Embarking on New Adventures.

So one of my close friends is about to embark on the adventure of a life time! She is traveling across the ocean to Israel on religious and educational experience! It's amazing, she is going to get to experience what it is to leave home, for 10 months in a different country and find herself. I think that is the most amazing thing. I am so happy for her. I am elated that she is excited. :)

So life hasn't been that terrible recently. Just waiting for school to be over soon. I leave 4 months, give or take a few days. I couldn't be more excited about it ! :) It's exhilarating. The fact that my life book starts HERE! There is so much in this world that I want to see. There is so much that I want to experience it's crazy! I just want to get out and see everything. I want to meet new people and I want to just find myself in ancient ruins. I want to find myself in the sunset of Brazil. I want to find myself in the sunrise on Paris. I just want to get out there and see what the WORLD as a whole has to offer.

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Brief update.

It's AMAZING at how fast I heal. I was just thinking about it now. Lmao. Oh Boy. 

This isn't just talking about relationship issues, I am talking about in general. I am way stronger mentally than I ever thought that I was. It's amazing. I am so proud of myself. 

Maybe things didn't mean as much to me as I though? Oh well, life is amazing<3

I just realized that there is so much more to life than this little city. There is so much more out there. There are people in the world who can change my life. There may be a life out there that I can change. I don't know what life has instore for me, but I want to take it head on. I am so excited about life.

Growl.

Have you ever read or seen something that made your blood freaking boil! Just happened to me. 

Shit was crazy this week. Like, crazy crazy. I never thought that it would turn out or end that way. I was in denial and thought that it was bullshit. Then again I never thought that I was this strong. I just forgot about everything. It's best that way to move one. So, I can officially say that I am over it. 

I'm not mad or bitter. I don't hate anyone. I feel that hate and bitterness just hold you back in life. Things just happen for a reason.   Everything plays out the way destiny has it.  There is no changing it. Just living it. People will be people and people always change. What i don't like is the cruelty of humans. I don't know. What can I do?

I can't wait for school to end. I can't wait to leave for buffalo either! Everything has gotten so mundane. The only thing that I can say that is going great is the fact that my friends are completely amazing. I can't think of what I would possibly do with out them.

So you know what? I am loving life right now! :) 

Rambling.

i am beyond heart broken

i am beyond pain 

i hear nothing 

i see nothing 

the distance from here to the stars 

never seemed so far away 

the sun isn't shining as bright 

the moon's glow is dull 

the lamp post flicker violently 

through the tear filled eyes 

i walk around like an empty shell 

a zombie 

cold hearted 

hot headed

on that  seldom phone call 

i felt the blood pumping through my veins

i felt my heart 

slamming against my rib cage

screaming to jump out of me  

crying of the knife that has been 

shoved and twisted 

like glass is shattered 

spread into the chambers

with every beat

rips and tears 

every vein is a shot of pain 

and i ask a simple question...

why?

Today has felt like it's been the longest day in the world.  Things just.. hit me. I felt like I got punched in the chest by a pro boxer.  The lack of caring in people doesn't surprise me, at all. Things change, feelings change. Alright, I get that part. What I don't get is why people don't care about how others feel. They don't care about how something will change a person. Maybe make them bitter. Maybe make them resent something that they once believed in. Maybe it will be okay. Maybe the person will understand. 

Fuck I try my HARDEST to be understanding. I try not to pass judgment. I try not to jump to conclusions. I give people chances. I give people the benefit of the doubt. I show them the I care. I go GREAT lengths for those who I care about. But it's like everything that I do. Every relationship I have. All one sided. But like always, I move on and I find reasons to forgive and forget. Because that's who I am. That's what I do. Happiness is all relative. 

I hate my views of people. I think people are way to nice and kind. Fuck that. People are vicious. They do things to further themselves. The get what they want. Act the way they want. Flip off the world, and people like me are left in their dust. Confused, hurt, tears falling like waterfalls. And why?! Because people like me care to much. I put my heart on the line for nothing. I set myself up for disappointment. I fell into the fake world. I fell into a lie. I fell into the lies. I fell into those sweet words. The worst thing that I could have ever fell into was Love.

So you know what I say now? Fuck It. 

Ignorance is Bliss...

Ignorance is bliss? I think not. It's one thing to not agree with something but when you say something offensive and racist, it goes to a whole different level. Something happened to me tonight that got my blood boiling. 

I asked an acquittance today why he didn't like rap. He replied, and I quote, "Niggers can't sing." I asked him to repeat himself, the music was loud, and he said, and again I quote, "I don't listen to Niggers." Now at this point, I didn't know whether to jump down him throat, keep quiet before I said something mean, or just eat it. I allowed myself to think for a few minutes. There were two people that came to my mind when this happened. It turned into a sorta "what would they do" kinda thing. I thought about my Junior Year/Publications teacher, and my eldest brother. I know for a fact they wouldn't have sat back and let something like that go so I spoke up. I can't sit back and let someone say something racist and ignorant! I didn't get in his face about it, but I am know for my attitude, so yeah, it did come out some. I told him that most rock came from the south, "niggers" helped to create alternative as we know it. I also told him that a lot of music in general branches from tribal music. Shit blew him out of the water and basically shut him the hell up. See it's the things that people just REFUSE to accept. he went on to say that he didn't like what rappers rap about. How they are ignorant and don't rap about meaning. Yet, he had Lil Wayne Lollipop in his freaking MP3! So don't sit here and fucking tell me that you don't listen to Jay-z or Lupe or NAS because you don't like their "ignorance" and demeans to women. Do me and favor and EDUCATE yourself and have an OPEN MIND before you pass judgment on something that you don't know. And don't be racist about it! God knows he would have HATED it if I called him a kike. But I won't stoop to his level.

I know that everyone is entitled to their own opinion, you don't have to like rap. I could care less what you listen to. But you cross the line when you say racist things, especially in front of me. EDUCATE YOURSELF BEFORE YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH AND LOOK LIKE A MORON! 

I thought that in this day and age people would have tolerance and respect for one another. This goes for people who are racist and homophobic and discriminates against religion. For all of those people, go out, meet people, read a book, educate yourself! Open your freaking eyes. 

For those people who are worried about speaking up, and who are scared of confrontation, you could be considered just as bad. I would rather be Open Minded and Okay than Ignorant and Bliss. 

Two Post in One.. Sorry about that .

Tuesday:

It's been a while since a full update lets go back a few day.

Wednesday I saw In The Heights, it was AMAZING. I HIGHLY recommend it for anyone and EVERYONE to see.

Saturday the party went pretty well. The food was AMAZING, and the music was live, literally. Not many times happen where my family gets together like that. I loved it, even if we didn't spend the entire time all together. It was a nice time, I think.

Sunday was cool too. Went to work as usual. Phil and Cristina picked me up. I ended up finding a lot of things out. Things that inevitably hurt me so much, I cried in the car while driving. That sucks. People change for the good and the bad. I don't know anymore. Anyways, after that whole ordeal, they both convinced me to go to their friend's house. I did go, and i had a great time. Drank a little. Georgie is...rubbing alcohol. Nastiest thing i ever sip on IN MY LIFE ! Lol, Cristina and Phil agree. besides that, it was a great time with chill people. Went again last night, and relaxed some too.

(We all grow up. We all realize the things that we were destined to be, the things that have been written in stone before we were even a nasty thought. Some are meant to change the world and others aren't. I know you're destined to greatness, a greatness that is beyond what you may be able to perceive.)

Part of me really can't wait to get the fuck out of NYC. Go and see and meet new people. Shed this old skin and create a new one. Really find me. Change me. But the other part of me wants to stay and hold on, tight, to what I have. That part of me wants to mend things that might not be fixable. Ahh, I don't know much about anything anymore. Just got my blinds on and waiting to leave....things will work out?

I'm getting sick. Throat has been hurting some. Arghs.

Till next time.

_______________________________


Blah, one of those days.

It started out kinda bad, got better, and now, it's slumped. Like, I honestly have no idea how I am feeling right now.


I don't think that I am mad, sad or upset. But I am far from happy. I feel kind of ... peeved maybe? Arghs, I don't know.


I'm trying to be indifferent about everything now. There is no point in caring anymore I guess. My faith (no religious) is slowing slipping too I guess.


There are so many things that I really want to say, but I can't. Like, there are no words that will fit what I want to say, and then if there are words, I'm just going to be proven wrong. I honestly have no idea how to function or go about things. It's kind of getting me aggravated.


Blah, just more things I have through go about alone.

Wow...

Alright, so it's been a few days since I wrote. I'm sorry? I guess, lol. 

Lately everything has been almost perfect. Things have been going without any problems. 

Tomorrow is my nephew's 1st birthday. I am DJ, and trying to finish this playlist.

I am happy. 

I am realizing a lot of things now. 

Till Next Time

Say It Ain't So

My, my, my, these past few days have proven themselves to be a fiasco and ironic. Allow me to elaborate briefly:

The communication, or there lack of, between two people can be something that moves a person, or proves to be a huge slap in the face. Now i experienced both of these things, partially due to the fact that i knew, and it's just weird!

People come out of NO WHERE with the things that they say. If you haven't spoken to a person in a long time, and suddenly they text/IM you and let you know something, some deep thought or feeling that they've bottled up inside for a while. I find it to be really funny. The fact that when opportunities arise, they pass them. When the time comes, and to many variables are in play, they decide to take action. I just find it to be quite hilarious. But that's life. You never know what you have till it's gone, and when it's gone, it could be gone for good.

Words or statements that slap you in the face, well, that's pretty self explanatory. There are something that should be known. There are some way people should say things. There are certain things people shouldn't say. The truth should always be known. The truth hurts, yeah, but then people move on. No biggie. It's called life, we always move forward. I think that certain people need filters.

Anyways, that was the fiasco part of the last few days. I'm not sad, at all actually. Not mad. I have zero ill feelings in me right now. I'm learning remove certain feelings. It's great.

Yesterday I hung out with one of my closet friends. Her and I stopped really chilling this year. I hate it. I miss her a lot. It sucks that people drift in a sense, but it's time that heals. It was great though. :)

Wednesday afternoon/evening some woman killed herself in QCM. Sadest thing in the world.

Anyways, listen to Weezer Make Believe. It's a great album.

Thanks Adam !

Till next time.

One of THOSE Days...

So yesterday, I had this incredible amazing day. Today has so far not been that great. There have been a few exceptions, it has been sort of stressful actually. I don't know, I'm actually feeling kind of out of it.

I feel like I over think things. I feel like I am always worrying about things that aren't necessarily that important in the long run. I feel like I am always worrying about the now, the things that might not even be around in a few months. Why should one make someone else their priority when that person doesn't, or doesn't seem to make them a priority at all. I don't understand why people act this way. Like, I understand if someone is going through something, but then you should TALK about it. One should be OPEN about how they feel. No matter what. It's better that way. Then again, I'm not one to complain about these things. It's something that I am use to from everyone. :)

I am also amazed at the fact that I have little to about no worries for college. The things that I was once afraid of, I am not anymore. I just looked at things at another perspective, like, things always work themselves out. No matter how you try to get away from certain things, in the end, it will happen. Destiny, fate. It's all the same thing. There is really no use in trying to figure everything out and worrying about losing things/people. Things will happen. I guess I finally realized that things work out for the best.

NEVER forget about the little things. It's the little things that make people happy. It's the little things that make the world spin. Like the little texts from those you love just to say hi or w.e.. I'm not to sure about anyone else, but it's those things that make me happy. I have always enjoyed the small things in life. Yet one can't get everything that he/she wants. Just be happy with what you have, which is exactly what I am doing.

I just hope that the people in my life now, aren't going to alter the way they act or are. I just hope that the relationships that I have taken so long to establish, don't diminish before my eyes. I just hope that the time I have left with the ones that I love the most aren't sad or depressing. I hope that things don't change. It's sad, idk.

I think that I just made myself sad. Oh well, I'll get over it, like I always do. I just wish that things could go back to the way they use to be? Yeah, it was simpler and more loving, not so cold....

Ta-Ta For Now.

P.S. This is not directed to anyone in particular. So don't think that it is. If you feel that it applies to you, well, I don't know what to tell you.

Almost Nearing Perfection

Today was amazing. It went practically with out a hitch!

I haven't been this content in such a long time. It's amazing to know that everything is set and done. Now it's time to sit back, and enjoy the rest of my time left here.

I have a few people to thank due to my extreme joy. Those people know who they are. :)

I'll update later, I just felt like sharing my extreme joy at the moment.

Alright, Alright...

Day started out bad, has been bumpy, but it's all better now, on my part at least.

It was my older brother's birthday. He is, old-er. It's scary how everything flies by! That's why I know that I have to do things NOW before I get to his age and have a zillion and 5 regrets. He says to love the ones I have when I have them. To live like there is no tomorrow and just be happy.

He is right, I mean, I always spent my life trying to map things out and figure everything and everyone out. I need to stop and let things flow! We only live once. I don't know. I just have to stop worrying all the freaking time. I need to live. That's what i intend to do the rest of the year.

I realized that I stopped listening to the music I use to listen to. Well, considering the fact that some of the band I listen to have disappeared! I have to look some of these bands up again, get back on my alternative.

I don't know why I am in such a good mood. Lol, oh well, that's a good thing.

Peace out "Peeps".

Rush of Anger?

Have you ever woken up angry from the previous night?!

Yeah, that's what happen to me this morning !

You expect people to do something, and then they don't do it.

odijshofuajfhdsfa . whatever.

Long Weekend, Not Over Yet...

So Friday I left for Buffalo, to go see what I can now, officially, say is my college! I absolutely LOVED it there. The people are nice, and the environment is great! It's a little colder, I must say, but nothing that I haven't felt down here. It's one of those things where you step on the pavement, take a deep breath, and say I am home.

I was also pretty shocked that my parents and I didn't feud, at all. Maybe it's the whole going away thing. They are finally realizing that this is it. In 5 short months I am gone and things are going to have to change. It's a great feeling. I don't think that I have been this happy or excited in a while.

Fate works in strange ways, and this is my destiny. I don't think that I could be happier with my school situation. :)

Although my overall weekend has been a great success, there are certain things that I am pretty pissed about. Like always, not everything goes perfectly.

I hate it when people say that they are going to do something, then change their minds. I don't so much are that you don't do it, just don't say that you will! This has happened a few times with different people. Kinda tired of it now. And don't act like you care, when you blatantly don't.

I always end up feeling like I am the only one fighting and caring. So, I am just going to stop myself in my tracks, and this time, I mean it. I am going to let it go because there is no use in me fighting a hard fight and caring so much, when it's not reciprocated, right? Well, people learn the hard ways.

The weekend isn't over yet. Tomorrow is Sunday. Maybe I will go out tomorrow, rekindle with some friends. Think about me for once.

Tata for now :)

Suprised? Very...

So today has proven to be one of the better days that I've had in a REALLY LONG TIME ! It's great. I called out of work, I felt/feel really sick. Didn't go to practice due to the illness. I just relaxed with friends. Although there were a few small times during the day where I felt as if I was going to kill someone, it was good none the less. I am just really hoping that the rest of my day, and going into the weekend, doesn't turn completely and totally crappy.

I chilled with my best friend and two other good friends of mine for the first time in ages. It was great. Laughing and doing practically nothing. Sometimes, putting the major responsibilities aside and relaxing is needed. Boy, I defiantly figured that out today. I really do need to loosen up more.

So, tomorrow I am headed off to Buffalo to visit Buffalo State College. (That's the college I plan to attend in the fall.) I am taking the long 7 and a half hour drive up there with my parents. So yes, I shall be stuck in a car with my parents for 7 and a half hours. I really hope that nothing bad will happen on the way up. No, I'm not talking about accidents or anything, I am talking about fighting and arguments and tension! I think that would kill my whole entire mood! I'm going into this trip with a positive, really optimistic, and happy attitude, despite my current painful state. The one thing that I really do worry about is if I don't like the school what so ever. That's the one thing that I have been REALLY worried about. I mean, I have never been one to really have an issue with my surroundings or anything, but if I am going to be living there, I better like it.

There is one thing that is kind of off setting my perfect mood though. It's so cheesy when I think about it too, but what ever. I really do miss my boyfriend a lot. I can't see him till next week! Sigh* Oh well. I'll live.

Untill next time, which will porbably be sunday, or saturday night.

Clouded

It's always the same thing over and over again. I'm really sick of it at this point.

I need to relax a little. I feel like I am getting to strung out for no reason.

It's so bad I can't think. Can't blog.

Whatever.