Truth Be Told

UGH! I lost/got my iPod stolen today at the freaking gym today. I am highly upset about it, but thankfully Ash loves me and gave me her spare iPod :) Today is also her Birthday! So shouts to my giggle twin/saucy sister.

Today was very uneventful for me. I didn't really do much. Woke up and took a test, went to another class and reorganized my room. I had anxiety practically the whole day. I remember walking to my class, and thinking that today was going to be a bad day. It really was just subpar. Gr, I wish that it would have went a lot better, but whatever.

Right now, I am in my dorm, semi watching friends, semi talking to people that are here, and semi writing this. I have a lot on my mind, yet I don't know what to talk about.

Last night I was really thinking about life, and how everything is going. I am really content with it, I mean, I never thought that I would ever be happy this way (for the most part) away from home. I really do miss several people, but I love it here. The people that I've met are so far really amazing.

I was just inspired! Okay, so I really don't like when guy/girls use another person just for sex. Honestly, unless BOTH people fully understand the whole situation, don't do it. I really hate that! There should be way more to a relationship than just sex. It's sad to me, I really don't agree with it. I just don't see the point. For me, there seriously should be love involved with sex, that whole raw "fucking" thing doesn't work out for me.

This is to a certain someone. I will never tell him this out of respect for someone else, but I need to let it out. I really think that you are a pathetic waste of flesh. I really wish that you never walked into her life. You like to put people down to make yourself feel better, are you that insecure? The fact that you think that you are the best thing in this world is quite depressing. You're the most ignorant, arrogant, low life I have ever met in my life. I can't wait for the day that you open up those eyes of yours, and realize that you are NOT amazing, at all. You're a pathetic waste of space and a disgrace to the human race.

I am done :) I am happier now.

The Truth

So, yesterday, I woke up to my first class being canceled. There were power outages all over campus. I don't know if it was because of the constant construction, or the storm that was passing through here. Either way, it was great. :)

My day went pretty quickly after that. Solar system was good, as usual. I got to speak to my Professor, inquiring about a possible major in Astronomy, but he says that some sort of physics is required, which frightens me. I really do want to pursue writing, or english, being that it is really important to me, but the confidence that I have in my writing is low so that is going to to be hard for me to pursue.

I went to Hannah's dance classes yesterday with her, Sara, and Ashley. She does Pointe, Jazz, and Tap. It was really cool to sit and watch. It reminded me just how difficult pointe really is. I quit ballet when I was young, sometimes I wish I didn't stop, but then again, I'm not going to lie, I like sports a little better. None the less, the 4 of us are going to start lessons this Saturday: Jazz, Tap and Hip Hop. It should be really fun. :)

Right now, I am in my Nature and Needs class, watching a movie about learning disabilities. They should really update these movies. It's from the 80's or so. I am apparently being let out, then I have to wait for my 9:25 economics class. Later on today I think that I am going to head out to Elmwood and look at some sneaker store over there.

I get to see E$ in a week and a half! So I am pretty excited about it! :)

I don't know much to write about today. I was thinking about the whole fate/destiny thing. Things really do happen for a reason. Certain things will be in the end, and our decisions have no bearing upon it, to an extent.

I love another* with all of my heart, and that's all that matters to me now.

I like these songs :) Ta ta For Now :)

Quiet Morning

It's early Sunday, and it's dead silent in the dorms of Perry. You can hear nothing but the wind blowing, the crows talking to each other, and now my finger's quick movements across the keyboard. It's a good feeling, to finally hear silence throughout the halls of Club Perry.

My parents are leaving back to the city today. It's a difficult thing to express the way I feel about it. This weekend was very much eye opening as to how people act when you have been gone for a while. I am not going to lie, I did miss both of them extremely, but this is something that I have to do, and they understand that. We are still going to fight, and disagree on a lot of things, especially my mother and I, but I know it's all love in the same.

Last night was rough. It's actually been 2 pretty rough nights for me in a row. To love someone and care for them in ways beyond his/her comprehension is something difficult to do, especially when he/she doesn't listen to you. "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink" is very true. I'm not going to leave him, just because things get a littler rough, no that's not what I am here for. I'm going to be here, waiting it out through thick and thin no matter how hard it's going to get, and I know that it's going to get really hard. Last night was just one of many nights that I am willing to go through for him. I know that I am going to get mad at him, and I know that there are going to be points where I just want nothing to do with him (like last night, up most disappointed) but I know that letting go over little things is pointless. I, of all people know, not to give up on others, especially ones that you love and care for this much! People may call me stupid, crazy, young and blinded by love, but I don't care. I don't care if the world know that I am in love with him. But, I shall be discrete and respect his wishes. (Although people who know me, and know me well, already know who this person is).

The thing about me is that I know what I want, and I know that I am sure of it. I'm in this for the long run, good times and bad times, no matter what. I don't know if it will be what I pray for in the end, but it sure as hell worth the try.

I will probably be updating later seeing how it's just 9am. I am off to breakfast with my parents.

Ouch

I feel like today was just an off day. There is so much that's just bouncing around in my mind. Blah, I don't know where to start.

For the past 3 days I have had really bad anxiety, for no apparent reason. I just have this lingering feeling in my chest, that simply won't go away. I don't know what to do to get rid of it at this point. Whatever I guess.

Yesterday I spoke to a really good friend of mine, whom I haven't spoken to in a while. It was really good to just sit here, and talk to him. I really do miss him, and the way that we use to be. No matter what, he's my homey :)

My parents decided to come up for Homecoming weekend. They brought me food, it was so good to have some REAL food. Today we went shopping a little and out to eat. Hannah came with us. It was a lot of fun. There was also 2 comedians that came and did a show, it was so funny. Now, I am just sitting here and watching some movies with Hannah.

I am kind of aggravated at a lot right now. I don't know. Blah. Whatever I guess.
___________________

I feel like I am so far away from where I am suppose to be. I feel like certain things that I have done are stupid and pointless. I feel like I am falling, so far from earth, that I am floating through the clouds. I want to be higher than that. I want to be able to become numb. I want to have my vision blurred and my memories erased. I want everything to go away. I want my thoughts to stop bouncing around. I want my mind to stop wandering and worrying. I want to be able to stop, breathe, and enjoy things without the constant rant that my mind produces.

There is no way I could ever get full control of my mind; not when I have this to deal with.

Thoughtful Thinking

I feel like I am in a rut. I was so sure and head on about what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, now I have no clue! I guess that it has to do with the fact that I don't think that I am good at anything. I don't think that I would be a good teacher, for some reason. I just see a lot of the teachers that I've had and how amazing they are! Take CHuggins for example. She is an amazing teacher/person. She really made an impact on my life, and on the lives of many, many other students/peers. I know this for a fact, because I know all of these people. But would I ever be able to live up to that? Would I ever be able to impact the lives of my students in ways she has? I don't think that I can.

WIth that, people always ask me "What is it that you like to do?" I love to write. Heck, I am sitting here, writing in this blog, after writing a 4 page essay! I love my creative expression. I also like to help people. Yes, so those two things are 2 thing that I love to do. But I really don't think that my writing could ever amount to something that could be published. I am way to self conscious and indecisive to even try and publish something. I also doubt that I would be very helpful with people.

I love astronomy, to death. I love looking at the stars and learning more about things beyond this planet; after all, there is a lot more to the universe than this little planet called earth. But I can't really see myself in some research lab or anything. I really am at a lost as to what I want to do for the rest of my life. There are so many things that I would love to do, but there are also many things that I am really not great at. I guess only time will tell in that aspect.

On a semi lighter note, I hurt my foot really bad recently. I think I know how I did it, but at the same time, I don't. It's gotten to the point where it really hurts when I walk. I am so tired of going to Weigel ! I agave been there about 3 times in the last 3 weeks! I need to stop with the physical and internal ailments!

I really am excited to see E$ in 2 weeks. I have something to really look forward to. After that, I have to wait until Thanksgiving break so I can see my family and friends. I am contemplating on heading over to RFK that Wednesday. I really should. I was looking through some old photos and I do miss the whole aspect of High School. I miss some of the people from there as well. I really think that I am going to go.

Today I have been thinking about jumping into the future. I just want to see how things are going to be for me. I want to know what cards are in my deck. It really sucks that I can't do that. I just get so overwhelmed with everything sometimes. I really don't know how to handle it. I find that if, and when, I write, it helps a lot. I also found that I tend to clean, a lot, when I am stressed.

This foot problem, along with the other million things on my mind is really bringing me down. I don't like it at all. Oh well, I guess that it's just another thing that I have to deal with in my life,

Some Labels are Best Left in the Closet.

It's dawned on me, today more than ever, people's obsession with labels with relationships.

People, including myself, are so focused on being in a relationship. They want a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife; that definite title. A lot of people think that those labels are what make the love between the two people. That's not the case. You don't have to make anything official to be madly in love with someone. You don't need a ring on your finger, or a piece of paper to make it that you are going to be with that one person for the rest of your life. Don't get me wrong. I am a sap for that whole white wedding, bouquet, walking down the isle to the man that I love thing, but at the same time, what does all of the really mean? What does some stupid status change on Facebook really mean? It's there to satisfy the need to publicize things. It's there to shut up those who ask "well, if you love each other, why don't you be together?". To be totally honest as well, whether you are in a relationship, or married, or simply share a love with someone, nothing guarantees that your other won't leave you. Nothing in this world, nothing you say or do can stop that person from leaving you alone. The only aspect that keeps him/her from leaving, is his/her own thoughts and actions. We don't control other people. Other people don't control us. Free will is the main idea.

People can be in a relationship, or marriage, for years and year, but randomly one day, leave. They will leave without notice, nothing said. They will leave when things are good, or if things are bad. Nothing stops people from leaving. So this makes being in a relationship totally counter productive, in a sense.

I really don't knock relationships. I think that they are great. Hell, I love being in a relationship with someone that I love. But at the same time, labels are labels. The title of "boyfriend/girlfriend" are just names. Those things don't make the love between 2 people more, or less. Just because 2 people aren't "together" doesn't mean that they both don't love each other. It's a hard thing to come into terms with. Hell, it's taken me this long to realize that labels don't equal love. But now I really do see that labels are just words. Labels are words to help fill voids that aren't even really there.

I guess that this whole idea sprung from the movie Sex and the City. Carrie and Big's relationship wasn't the cliche kind. It was filled with hardship, distance, confusion, other people, and pain. It's pretty much the epitome of a REAL LIFE relationship. It entailed things that normal couples could go through, with out any bull, fluffy stuff. Yes, in the end they did end up together, but it, in a sense, told the truth to the ordeals that many couples have to face in the real world! It's none of the fairy tale stuff that only happens to 5% of the population.

I think that it has to do with people's obsession with perfection. How everything has to be perfect and set in stone. People, including myself, are so scared of others leaving. Lets face it, no one really wants to be alone in the world. At the end of those long days at work, we would like to come home to someone that cares for us (whether that be a boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband or someone that your not "with"). Everyone wants to feel wanted. The perfect fairy tale ending where he/she is mine and I'm his/hers doesn't always exist and in this day and age isn't even right for everyone.

Another thing that has dawned on me is that I really do believe in fate and free will, at the same time. That is also extremely counterproductive, but it believe in both. I think that people have the right to leave if and when they want to, but I also believe that if something is meant to be, in the end, it will be. I confuse myself all of the time. I guess that it's my wishful thinking. I think that it's me, stuggling to make the best of things; it's me trying my hardest to focus on the light in the situation, and not the dark.

I can't help these things. I am human. I have human tendencies. I feel hurt, I cry, I yearn for certain people. Yes, I want the perfect ending. No, I don't want to have to work really hard for something because it means that I have to be hurt. But I know that in the end, it will be worth it. I love someone with all of my heart, and it's something that he knows. For right now, things may not be perfect, hell nothing is ever perfect in this world, but the fact is that my love for him is there, and it's strong. My love for him is the only thing that truly matters. The love that I have for him, will always exist.

"And we were dressed from head to toe in love.." That's the only label that will ever matter.

Straight Edge

I haven't been that honest recently with my blogs. I just really haven't felt that need to fully express certain things to the public. It's gotten to the point where I really don't care who knows what. In the end, it's my life and my decisions. I learn from people around me, and people that I look up to, on how to take certain things. People are always telling me what I should do and shouldn't do. I know that a lot of people are just looking out for me, but for once, I am whole heartedly set on what I want. I know that I am young. I know that I have my whole life ahead of me, yet I know for certain about one thing. That's all the I want to say for now.

I've Got Some Issues that Nobody can See

Some people in the world are meant to be in your life. I feel like I have been blessed with a few great, amazing people. People in which, I owe a lot to. I won't get into to much detail with that, but I just want to say Thank You. I can't express it enough.

I don't know what I am doing tonight, officially. There are a couple of parties that are going on, but right at this very moment, I don't want to go out. I feel like I am in one of "those" moods; the type of moods that can't be explained.

I hung up a lot of photos on my wall today. They don't look so bare anymore. All of the people that are on my wall, mean a lot to me. I have to print some more, but I sadly ran out of ink :( I don't want them to come out ugly and what not!

Boredom is slowly setting in -__-' I think that I am going to take a nap, maybe. Try to fall asleep to Kid Cudi.

Million Miles Away

So yesterday started out badly, I'm not going to lie. I've been sick these past 2 days, and then I took a nyquill. BAD idea! I slept through my alarm, and missed my first class. I am pretty mad about that, but what can I do at this point, right?

I went to my Economics class. It's a basic "copy the powerpoint off the screen" type of class. I like the professor though, he is really nice and cool. The class is actually pretty interesting, in itself. I am pretty suprised at that. So I basically like all of my classes, except the one that I missed yesterday.
I really have to get up on that class, now that I think about it.

Anyways, I woke up on time for all of my classes today, they all went swiftly without a hitch. I have to write 2 papers though, and I keep forgetting to do some stuff for ECN 100. ANGEL is a pain in the ass.

I don't know what to write about today. Nothing is really striking me as something to talk about. I have certain things on my mind, but that is to jumbled to talk about. I feel, not happy, but not sad. I just feel like I am here.

I really want to see my friends back home. I really miss Sofia, Phil, and Ergin. I REALLY want to go and see Chuggins though. I think that she is the only reason I would go back to RFK to visit. There are a number of other people that I miss though. There are a lot of people that I want to see, but some more than other obviously, lol.

The one person that I really want to see, and spend time with is E$. I am really dying to see him and just hug him. I really miss spending time with him. He is one of those people that I connect with on a different level. I think that the one thing that I am scared of is thing between he and I being different. I really don't want that. I don't want that with anyone! Now I feel really nostalgic. I miss him, more than anything. I wish I could see him, soon.

I've been so obsessed with the Kid Cudi Album and Jay-Z's Album. They are both totally and completely amazing! Both are very inspirational! They are both my grinding gym music! I feel like listening to them now, that I am kind of sad.

Anyways, I need to take a shower, being that I just came back from the gym.

Just Know I Love You

What a weekend. It was eventful and relaxing at the same time. Saturday, I stayed in and hung out with my girls. We watched some movies and just relaxed. The chinese food up here is TERRIBLE! I hate it -_-' So the pizza, and chinese food sucks. I am stuck with the crapy Union food too! AAHHH! I'll live.

Sunday was hectic! Hannah, Ash, and I went to the Peach Festival over in Lewiston, by Hannah's hometown. It was so much fun. I won a fish! :) It was freaking great. The rides were a lot of fun and I had the most amazing peaches of my life! They were so good, ahh! Yummy <3
After the peach festival, we went back to Hannah's house to eat dinner. We got there kind of early, so we ended up watching TV first. Dinner was amazing, her parents are great chefs. It was so good to have a home cooked meal for once! Lol. The day was amazing!

Once we got back to campus, we were watching the VMAs. Oh boy, what a show it was! Now, I like Kanye West as an artist. I love him music and what not, but that stunt he pulled last night on Taylor Swift was the rudest thing I have ever witnessed. It was completely and totally uncalled for. He stole her spot light and made himself look like an jerk-off. He was rude and arrogant. It's funny because I really don't think that the 'Single Ladies' video was all that great. The dance to it is amazing, yet the video isn't that amazing. It's good to have a country artist win for a change as well. We don't see that a lot, especially on MTV. None the less, Beyonce' won Video of the year, so Kanye should have stayed shut. He is stupid. I was in awe that Beyonce let Taylor get her change to shine. Both Taylor and Beyonce are great artists. It was nice to see them both on stage, even though it was under unfavorable circumstances.
Jay-Z's performance was great! He and Alicia Keys are great together! (I can't wait to get his album on tuesday! :) I am so excited about that, and Kid Cudi's.) Who the HELL told Lil' Mama that she could go up on stage and hold that stance. Lil' Mama, you are NOT a thug. You are not even a respectable artist! you shouldn't share a stage with Alicia Keys and Jay-Z.
Lady Gaga is a whole different story. I really don't like her music much, and that performance was terrible! Apparently it seems like she wanted to act like Jesus? She was wearing a shroud after, and looked like a complete and total idiot. She is trying way to hard to be like Madonna, it's ridiculous. He wardrobe changes were to crazy. I respect her, but not her taste that much.

Sunday, I saw how close, and loving Hannah's family is. They literally look like the perfect family, with no problems at all. It's funny, when I think about the difference between her family, and her house, with that of my own. How broken my family seems, how complicated things are. Even though we are all broken, we still love each other a lot. That's all that matters, even if it's not shown, right? Sometimes loving people doesn't mean they have to show it all the time? I guess that's how life works. I just don't get certain things sometimes. It's a hard concept to grasp.

I have so many emotion in me right now. I feel like I always have to fight to prove something. I feel like I always have to shut my mouth and eat my feelings to make other people feel more comfortable. I am tired of doing that, yet I always find myself doing it. I have to fluff up other people's pillows while I lay my head on a hard, cold rock. I fall asleep with pains and cold, while they wake up fulfilled and pain free. Why do I always put myself in these situation? I have way to much love in my system. Maybe that's how life has to be for me? I would rather people feel happy over me, anyway. I'll live. I will get over it. I don't want to hold anyone back from what makes them happy. I don't want to hold anyone back from anything. Live Your Life...that's all that I am able to say. Life moves on, and the pain will disperse in due time. I just want to see smiles and make people happy.

Times are hard, they will only get harder. I just know my love will always be there. And I know that I will always be there, no matter what happens.

I am off to the union.

That Party Last Night...

Ugh! I swear to never drink alcohol ever again! Mad shots, and beer, and other beverages. I swear, this is the reason why I hate drinking. I can't seem to remember why I drank in the first place. Oh Well. I learned my lesson.

Besides the after math, the party last night was really good. I met a lot of new people that are pretty cool. I got into this huge discussion about Jay-Z v. Lil wayne and Kid Cudi v. Drake. That made the night really interesting. It started out with me and one dude, then about 10 other guys came into the argument. It was crazy! My voice is sort of horse from that too. I danced some, and drank some more. I got the title "goddess of the keg" by my boy Derick. Lmao, shit is crazy.

Classes are dragging on. I literally sit in my Solar Systems class, which I love, and seem to know everything that he is saying, so far. I don't really like my Nature and Needs class, at all. Economics is okay, not terrible, but I could really do with out it. The rest of them are good. I just want to be able to keep up with everything that is put on my plate and what not.

I hate when I am attached to someone. I go about my days fine, nothing can phase me; my friends are awesome and I have fun. Yet when it comes down to going to bed at night, and resting my head on my pillow, I can't sleep. There are a million and three thoughts that run through my mind on how come things happen to me. Why things have to be so difficult on my end of the rope. The only solution that I could think of is that it's blatantly me. I seem to be the underling issue to all of my problems. We always tend to yern and desire the ones that we can't have. We always tend to want to hold the ones that we can't hold. We always tend to fall for the people we shouldn't fall for. It's a constant thing, and it seems to always happen. In the end we just have to live with it. We have to sit down and live with the fact that what we want can't happen. We have to realize that we can never truly have everything that we desire. It's not in the cards for some people. I think I am one of those people. 2 hours in distance never felt so far in my life.

There are mad head outside of the Perry Quad right now. I think they're playing football. I am contemplating going out there. This hangover got me bed ridden.

Grind

Ah! This weekend wasn't that amazing, to be totally honest. Friday's party was oober wack. Saturday, we didn't do much at all. Yesterday I didn't do anything either. Yet, it was still a lot of fun. The friends that I have here are amazing! My roommate, Hannah, and I are slowly becoming really close friends. Sara, Ashley, Tajh, PattyMac, and a bunch of other people are really cool too! :) The transition was a lot easier than I expected it to be.

My classes aren't that difficult just yet, I really just want to stay up on my grind! :) I also have been going to the gym! Shedding some pounds! It's great!

I went to see Gamer last night. I swear, I am in love with Gerard Butler <3 He is my future husband!

Anyways, I love the fact that I am always done by noon with my classes. I have the rest of the day to do whatever I want.

I just recently got my nose pierced on Sunday, now that I think about it. What they say is true though, piercing are addicting! I am going to get 2 more done, and that's it. I don't know what it is that makes them so addicting though. I am going to get my ear done, and then my Bellybutton. Thats all. After that, I am going to get 2 tattoos. But that is way later on in the future, lol.

I feel like today is an oober lazy day. I don't want to do anything right now but sleep. I just ate too! Ah! I have to go to the gym though, I haven't gone in 4 days -_-. I am deathly afraid of the freshman 15! So I have been trying to watch what I eat and get on my gym rat! To bad my knee is bad and I can't do as much as I wish.

Anyways, TaTaForNow

First Period

Ayy ! So it's been a couple days, sorry about that.

Things over here have been going really great :) The college life is awesome, and the people I've met so far have been great.

I began classes this past monday, all of them seem to have been good. I dropped my British Lit. class, I couldn't deal with the boring aspect of the class. I wanted to die. So, I replaced it with a Creative Writing Class instead, that of which I am very happy about. It is really amazing! I love creative writing! :) Economics 101 is a pretty interesting class for me. I absolutely love my Solar Systems class also, it's pretty great. My college writing professor could be a little bit more enthusiastic, yet it is okay at the same time. The one class that I am still iffy on is my Nature and Needs class. It's a class on the needs of people with special needs. I saw this video on it, and how badly people were treated. That was so crazy and bad :(

Today was a really good day for me. My classes went swiftly, as they always do Mon, Wed, & Fri. My friend also took me to the falls today. It was so beautiful, I loved it. After, we went to eat at the Hard Rock Cafe, I never went there, I love it now! Lol.

There are parties galore! I really don't know which one to go to, lol. ZBT, Mardi Gras, ect. It's crazy! I am really happy that tomorrow is saturday though! Three day weekend!

I really love it up here. All of my anxiety and fears went away within the first couple days. I miss a lot of people back home though. I miss my mom, dad, and brother. I really miss my best friend and what not. If they were up here, I would love it!

This is an amazing experience though, living on your own and such. It's great and invigorating. It's taught me a lot within the first week! I tend to do a lot more with out someone nagging me about anything! I love it!

I already feel like a different person being here a week. I already feel as if I have changed. In a sense, I already have changed. I see things in a different light. I love it.