Lost Connection

Despite my last, highly optimistic post, I feel that I am going back to my normal, pessimistic self. Why? I wish I knew the answer to that question.

I am feeling very jealous of some people, I will be honest. I don't know if it's the fact that I am so far and disconnected to my family, or if it's the fact that efforts to reach out have been null, I just feel so disconnected. I have changed, something that I am open and willing to admit, something I have admitted in previous posts, and some piece back home just don't fit anymore. I hate to say it, but talking to some people back home really makes me realize how much things are different and just how much things have changed. I have become use to the fact that I needed to let some people in my life go, but at the same time, I sit here and think that I couldn't be more alone.

Family is just starting to be there, and it's so inconsistent. That's the main source of my jealousy towards some people: the fact that they have such an amazingly supportive family and great siblings and such. I'm really not saying that mine are horrid, but at the same time, I can't say their amazing either. I could never even tell them this because of their personalities and how they would jump down my throat and tear me to shreds with their words.

What am I looking for exactly? I don't know. I guess I am looking for some sort of connection on a higher level. A connection within family, more than anything. Why is that the hardest thing to find right now? Why has that always been the hardest thing to find. Everyone is born into a family, right?