Chaos

Difficulties and struggle have been apart of everyday life for a while now. Looking back into the ancient times, I am sure that things then were just as difficult as things are now. I can't help but to wonder though, why certain people (appear) to have it easier. Is it the fact that some people are simply blessed with an easy way out? Is it that some people hold more strengths in certain areas than others? Or is it simply due to the fact of "that's how God intended it to be." ? I don't know why, but I always feel like things are extremely difficult for me.

I know that I am not the only one in the world with problems, shoot there are people out there with chronic diseases, and such, but at the same time, I can't help but to feel as if my problems are substantial.

Being a human being, I feel that my problems are my own problems. I hurt for irrational things, I make irrational decisions, and I say things that I don't really mean all the time; but that is a part of being in the human race.

"I don't want to make any mistakes" "Well, you're in the wrong species."

I feel like everything has happened at the right, and wrong time for me. Things in one aspect of my life are going to smoothly and swiftly, just the way I hoped and prayed for them to be. On the contrary, other things in my life always seem to be falling apart. The things that seem to be falling apart are also the things that affect me the most in my personal life; those are the things that trigger my emotions. For once, I would LOVE for things to be going smooth and problem free. That's life though, like I have always said.


Thinking about the past has stopped for the most part. To be honest, I don't know if it has stopped, or if i just stopped showing it. Sometimes I feel cold and detached from everything in my life. Things and people seem so far away, and I am ust trying to stay afloat in this raging rapping called my life.

I think about the people whom I have lost contact with so quickly. How can you say you feel as if someone is your closest friend, then dead them like he/she was your worst enemy? I wish I knew how some people think; I wish I knew the logic behind some actions, rather than sitting here and asking myself "what the hell did you do Jennifer-Lee?!"

I find myself questioning a lot also. I guess its the past flicking at my thoughts, wondering why some things happened, how those things could have been avoided, and what things would be like now if some things were done differently.

I can't help but to feel so envious of those people who have had great birthdays. It is so petty, and ridiculous but the fact is that I have NEVER had an amazing birthday. I have NEVER had a birthday where everything was good, and fine, something always went wrong. Whether it be that someone was just a total and complete jerk, or someone just didn't care, or both. Something has always ruined my birthdays. I wish that were different.

I wish a lot of things were different in my life, but the fact is that nothing can change, and that sucks, point blank.

I rambled a lot in this entry, but its my blog.