Blow.

Okay, so I know that helping others is a good thing. It's suppose to make you feel better about yourself, and you know what, the bottom line is that it's great karma too! But right now, i=I simply feel used.

How is it that when shit goes down, you're alone, but when someone needs something, they come straight to you. I know that I am being a good person, but I have been this "good" person for my whole entire life, and this game is tiresome. It's like... I just really wonder when all of this good karma I throw out is going to get back to me, you know?

It's funny too, because I write these blog entries, and I have been doing this for some time but the fact is that I don't reach anyone. No one is reading this, and no one really cares. While I sit here and pour out my feelings, hoping that someone will read this and say to themselves "damn, I know what this girl is feeling" it's not going to happen. I guess I have become some what content with that idea because, after all, I am still here typing my little fingers away. Maybe I do have a little bit of hope left in me. (Too bad it won't happen)

I wonder how it feels to be desired as a person. I am not speaking about lustfully desired, but just desired as a friend, a genuine friend. I don't really know if i ever felt that in my lifetime, my very short 19 year life time. But I do know that it suck walking around and feeling like people are looking past you as if you aren't there. I feel like I am a walking hologram, something someone can put there hand through because in actuality, I am not even there...

Maybe I am not there... I don't know but what I do know is that living this way, and feeling this way really does blow...

My monster

I feel like I am slowly losing my mind, like insanity is knocking right at my door. The more the anxiety begins to consume my life, the more I become reluctant to believe that I will one day be okay.

I don't know why this week was so horrible. I don't know why this week I got little to know sleep. I just want it to be over.

I'm so sick of sitting in my bed and fighting my monster, my own personal demon. I am so sick of wonder what it's like to live a life free of this devil I call anxiety.

I just want to be set free, and fly; I don't want to rely on anything and I just want to be able to go one day, just ONE day without dealing with the shaking and the sadness.

I just want to know what I ever did to deserve this life. I want to know what I did so I can fix it, so I can redeem myself. I just want to be normal.

I can't even think of a time when I didn't live like this. I can't think of a time where I wasn't shadowed by this leviathan.

I wish I didn't feel anything, just like become numb to everything in this entire universe. Nothing is helping me anymore.

I need medication.
I need someone that understands.

DADT

Don't ask, don't tell. Don’t ask if I am gay, I won’t tell that I am gay. That entire phrase makes absolutely no sense, what-so-ever. Since when has America become a land where one can't be his or her self? At one point, women weren't allowed to serve in the military, and once they were allowed, they weren't able to do combat, and why? Because women were born with different hormones than men. Because women were born as women. They were being deprived something solely based on who they were. Now that women are finally being able to go into combat, they are finally being accepted for who they are within the military. But now, this whole "don't ask, don't tell" policy is oppressing the gay community the same way that women were once oppressed, and blacks were once oppressed. Although the extreme cases of slavery and not being able to vote aren't in the same category, one cannot deny the fact that oppression due to who you are, and how you were born, is still oppression, PERIOD.

America dictates and prides itself on being the land of the free. When people think of the United States of America, they would see a country where anything is possible, but apparently that anything disregards being who you were born to be.
It is a shame, that in this century, people aren't getting it. People don't get that no matter the color of your skin, your religious denomination, your gender, or who you love matters. Every human being is the same. Feelings are feelings, and pain is pain. Whether you are gay on the front line, or straight on the front line, you're fighting for your country. Hiding who you are shouldn't be a condition to serve your country.

Though the many years America has been around, we have constantly put down other because they are different. When will it stop? As former President Harry S. Truman once said “the buck stops here”.

Questions

Sometimes I look around at my environment, which is ever changing and I just think... I think about everything that has happened in my life which has gotten me here, to this place where I should (?) be.

Its funny to think about how the smallest actions and decision we make can make or break out future, literally. How a simple decision like chosing swiming over dancing can change your entire physiqe forever.

I wonder how I got here, to Buffalo State. I wonder what small decision I made to shape me to come here over Geneso, or Platsburg. Why I decided to be a writer and not a lawyer. All these questions are just coming up and I really do want some answers.

I don't know why I keep thinking about all these things, but the fact is that I do.

I am trying to get my confidence up. Thats really hard, let me tell you.

My own worst enemy.

I don't know why I decided to do be a Communications major. I don't know why I decided that I wanted to be a journalist for the rest of my life! Half the time, I really never know why I wanted to write, for the rest of my life, when I honestly will never reach anyone. Seriously, I feel like my main purpose in my life is to reach someone like Huggins reached me, or how books and simple fictional characters reached me and touched my life, but how the hell am I suppose to do this when I can't do what I aspire to do?!

I sit here, and just stare at the black white screen, Microsoft office, and I get nothing. I try to find some sort of inspiration and I have nothing.

Maybe I am my own worst enemy, I don't doubt that at all, what-so-ever. But it's hard to think that the things I write are any good, when I read things that many of my peers have written and it's just like damn it, I'm not that good! After that, it just all goes down hill from there. I just don't think that my words are going to save someone... Matter of fact, I know it's not.

I have this weird complex, where I simply allow myself to become consumed within my own thoughts of negativity. I am a negative person, an extreme pessimist. But, my negativity and pessimistic views are solely directed towards me. I'm pretty sure that I am holding myself back. But from what?! If I seriously don't believe that I am going to be anything, then what am I holding myself back from?

The stress and complexities of my day just seem to become more and more abundant. Its just everywhere I look, everyone I speak to. Arguments erupt like an angry volcano. Then the smoldering lava takes over my mind and leaves me bare and confused.

I want someone who I can connect to, and who feels everything that I do right now. I just want to speak to that person. I am tired of people telling me "oh..I'm sorry".

At the end of the day, I just feel alone.

Fck.

I remember why I stopped writing. I get too frustrated with it. I hate rereading my work, and really thinking that it sucks. I hate rereading what I have typed down on the stupid word document and thinking "who the fck is this going to reach?"

I feel like my words on these papers don't matter.

Stand up.

I legitimately thought about giving up on this whole Blog thing, I won't lie. The thought about not being heard or really listened to has lingered in my mind for some time now. The whole theory of "if a tree falls, but no one is around to hear it, does it make a noise?". If no one bothers to hear you, or read what you have to say, are you really saying anything? Is the point that you so desperately wish to make, really being made? When the ignorance of people over comes them and radiates onto others, are the things you say important?

I would lay in bed, restlessly thinking about this theory, losing night of sleep, turning into a zombie throughout the day; all because I wanted to be heard. I WANT to be heard. I want to be acknowledged. I want people to know who I am and what I m about.

The problem with wanted to be heard is that if no one respects you, you wont be heard. Your ideas and opinions won't be taken into consideration, and people WILL step on you. They will step on your beliefs.

Its the saddest thing to realize, but I am here to tell you all the truth, whether you want to listen to me, or not, whether you respect me or not. Here is the truth: Your opinion matters. You have the right to be respected, no matter what you have done in your past.

People won't respect those who don't speak up, and even if you do, they still might not respect you just because of ignorance. But at the end of the day, you can't change people's opinions. They will judge you on the simplest things. They will judge you because of your clothes, opinions, actions, grades and or for no reason at all. It doesn't matter how much you have done in your lifetime. Even if you have gone across the world and saved children from hunger, people will pick you apart piece by piece and leave you thinking that you are not worthy of anything. They are wrong.

As humans we all have feeling, and we ALL have flaws, no matter how flawless you think you are. Also, as humans, we have great accomplishments and things to be proud of, no matter how many flaw you think you have. At the end of the day, we have the free will given to us by God to decide what we are worth. We are all worth more than allowing people to dictate to us what we are worth. Stand up for yourself.

Standing up for yourself is the single most important thing to do. You need to be able to defend your opinions and your views. This does NOT mean having to prove yourself to anyone, nor does it mean having to explain yourself to anyone. No one should matter that much, and if they do, you won't have to prove yourself, or explain yourself. Standing up for yourself is MAKING your voice heard, it's about making yourself known. In the end, if they STILL don't respect you, and if they treat you the same, you have the satisfaction of knowing that they are ignorant.

So, here is me standing up for myself. Here is the things that I couldn't tell all you haters in person because of certain things/people I still respect:

I AM A HUMAN BEING! I have feelings. My heart pumps blood runs through my veins. I have parents, siblings, friends, and school work JUST LIKE YOU! You have no right to judge me, you have no places in this world to have said a single negative word about me. The negativity that has sued out of your mouth and onto the ears of your comrades about me is totally wrong. YOu think that you have the authority to judge me based upon my actions of last semester? You believe that you have the authority to think less of me? YOU'RE WRONG! You think that you're the best because you're apart of something now?! Well guess what? I am apart of something bigger, and much more worth while. I am apart of something that means a lot to others. I am an individual who believes in something more than this, more than the partying and the drinking and social life. I am an individual who believes in something more than YOU! I have been through more than you will EVER believe, and it WASN'T by choice, it was by fate. I am stronger than you think, and smarter than you know. So before you decide to past judgement on someone you don't know, and never gotten the chance to know, you should think twice. I know why I made the decision I did. I know the type of person I am, and the type of person I want to be. I have nothing to prove to you. I have nothing to explain to you. I didn't leave because of you. I didn't run away from the issue. I left because I know what I am worth, and I refuse to subject myself to he malice treatment you dish out. You don't know me, and you will never know me.

I hope that this helps someone out there. I realized that no matter what others think about you, if you need or feel like something deserves to be said, say it, no matter who you believe is listening. I guarantee you that someone will listen to you. Someone will know what you're feeling. It will matter to someone.

Don't be afraid to stand up and shout it out.