Frenzy

I don't really know what seems to be on my mind these days. I feel like there is a whole jumble of things that I am doing, half of the time I question my own actions. I just keep thinking that things are going to go down hill from this moment on. Things seem to be spinning out of control, in a frenzy of mayhem and I simply can't stop any of it.

I want things to go as I wish, for once: smoothly. I wish for things to become reality for me, instead of silly wishful thinking, but I know that, that is something almost impossible. The slight chance of those things occurring leaves me with some hope, and faith in myself, faith I otherwise don't have at all.

I hate the fact that I feel as if my shyness holds me back from a lot of things. I don't know how, or when I developed this amount of intense timidness, but the fact remains that it's there and that I hate it, almost as much as I hate this GAD situation. I just wish that it could all go away.

Touching on yesterdays topic, I hate when people make these false assumptions about me and my decisions. I make these choices on my own, with due research and questioning. I don't do things based upon what other people say, or do. When I make a commitment to something, I intend to carry it out to the depth of my strength and ability. I have, and always will be, the type of person who does EVERYTHING from the heart, with no questions asked and those things are done for my best interests. If I want to do something, don't question me as to why, you will get no where, so for those who keep badgering me about my choices and decisions, just stop.

I try to be supportive, about everything. Heck, I stayed in the rain, at the TOP of a mountain with my best friend yesterday, helping him get down the mountain, lol. Maybe I care too much about certain things or people, well, cared* would be the more proper use of tense. I just simply got tired of people walking on me, and taking advantage. I got tired of people always thinking about themselves. I guess it's a part of life, and growing up; although some people just haven't grown up just yet.

I wish that I could let go of certain things that have happened in the past. I wish that I could be able to let everything go, and just forget it all. It hurts me every single day. As much as I try to hide it all, I can't seem to let it all be tucked away in the darkness of my mind. I hate that. I wish I didn't think about the past so much, and I wish that I was able to just simply let everything go. I don't want to think about these things anymore.

My life just started, and I have big things coming my way. These things are exciting and riveting; I am ready to take all of it head on and give my best.

Back to Buffalo in 6 days.

Gone, Almost

So many things have happened in the past week, too much to go over in detail, so here is a brief overview.

Tuesday I went ice skating with Emanuel, Caise and Kwame. It was fun.
Wednesday I just worked and came home.
Thursday I went to dinner with Emanuel at a Japanese restaurant, then went to cold stone <3. After all of that, he and I came back to my house, and watched a movie.
Friday I went to see Book of Eli wit Emanuel, Ashley and their friend Sorya. That movie was truly amazing.
Saturday I went out with some girls from Buff State which was a lot of fun. I spent the rest of the night with Emanuel, it was the last time I am going to see him until the summer most likely.
Today I went snowboarding with my dad, brother, and best friend. I am so beat right now, it's ridiculous.

It breaks my heart that I am not going to be able to see my boyfriend for this whole semester, but it's just one of those things that happens in life. I don't think that people fully know what it is to NOT see the person they love for so long. The fact that distance is, to me, the worst enemy of love. The fact is that I already know what this semester has in store. The fact is that this is going to be very difficult, but I have to be prepared for it.

I am tired of people dictating to me or simply commenting on how I live. The fact is that those I chose to hang out with are the people that honestly have been there for me, with me, and have screwed me over, basically. I am really tired of people commenting on things that they honestly have no full knowledge on. I can honestly say that if half of the people whom say things about me, go through the things that I go through, they would not say a word about anything. But of course, that will not happen, and I honestly don't want it to happen to anyone. I am just so tired of people sitting on their high horse, and saying things about me. But, again, things aren't going to happen in the way and I just wish that people would stop being so judgmental about things, and start focusing on their own flaw.

Another thing that is bothering me greatly is making fun of other people, in ways that surpass the "line" so to speak. It's one thing to just joke around, but once you say things that are offensive and just wrong, there is a need to stop. Repetition of the same joke to simply hurt people, then to say that "it's just a joke", well, some jokes aren't funny, at all. It always gets to the point where people have to fight back, with the same words till people understand. Treat others how you would like to be treated. Treat others with respect, the respect that you would want from others.

One thing that I have learned is that people really shouldn't take for granted what they have.

I have a week left in NYC, and I can't help to say that I am pretty happy about it. The fact is that I have met some truly amazing people in Buffalo, and I really can't wait to see them all. I am going to miss some people here at home, especially my best friend.

"And i'll close my eyes and dream of you good night"

Challenge

I wish that this was easier, but the fact is that it is is, nor will it ever be. I am use to things being difficult and a challenge, but i never thought that this much emotion would be into play.

I can't tell you the future, but I call tell you that I am scared of the future. I am scared of the things that are unknown. I am scared of not being able to control what the out come will be. I am scared of losing everything.

I will always be waiting for things to get better, but I fear that this will all come to a stand still, and stay the way it is.

There are a million and three things on my mind at the moment, things that I have no control over. I have to take life as it comes, I guess and I have to accept things. This is going to be difficult.
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I never thought that distance and time would be my enemy; I never thought that I would loathe something this much in my entire life, yet here I am day in and day out with the same distraught feeling in my heart.

I never knew that something that makes me feel so alive, so wonderful, could make me feel this low as well.

Safe

I have never felt too safe in my life; I am not talking about the lack of security due to a dangerous environment (gun, drugs, ect.) I am talking about the ability to feel safe in your own skin (perhaps?). To be completely honest, I really don't know how to explain it, but I have never really felt safe at all.

I don't know why I have felt "unsafe", I guess that it is something that just happens to some people, maybe it's the whole GAD thing. I have been living in my home for most of my life, and to this very day, this very moment, I don't feel 100% safe, or content. It compels me as to why that is; I will sit here and think about it and ask myself. I have tried to make certain things in my room different or just sit in the living room and try to make myself see that there is nothing bad, but nothing has worked out.

Maybe it's not the environment, but more so the people in this home. There has always been this negative energy circulating my house due to arguments and fighting over the simplest of things. I mean, I don't remember having ONE simple week where everything was okay, where there were no huge disagreements with people yelling at each other so loudly, the whole neighborhood would be able to hear.

I just experienced 100% safety yesterday night; I felt as if, literally, nothing could touch me. I didn't have one single worry or care and for a brief moment in time, it was like GAD didn't even exist. This happened after a fairly tough discussion with Emanuel. The thing is that we always have these fights, fights that honestly are extremely trivial, but they are fights none the less. Yesterday seemed to be a little bit different, maybe it was just me. He hugged me, and simply embraced me for several minutes. No words were exchanged; the only thing that I heard was his gentle heart beat and the cars passing by. There was no movement but the slow and soft inhale, exhale of his chest. I felt my anxiety slowly slip away from me, and my shoulders gently drop. The feel of his warm skin soothed my racing mind, and the melody of his gentle heartbeat coaxed the bad thoughts away. This was the safest I have felt in my life. So to him, thank you <3 You're amazing and wonderful, and I love you a lot.

Battle

Permanent heartbreak: something in which i never thought to be possible. Disregarding my previous post, fighting seems to be engulfing me into it's flames; tearing at the core of my being, ripping me into thousands of small, useless pieces.

Fighting gives ones reasons to show their upmost passion, yes. However, fighting also tears the soul apart. Fighting can break the strongest man down, and turn him into a mere child; a simple helpless, vulnerable child, staring down upon the mess that has been thrown at his feet. No, I am not speaking of physical fighting, it's the verbal fighting that leaves the worse battle wounds. It's the verbal fighting that bring back the horrid memories in which are relinquished from the deeps of the back of one's mind, ripping open the old scars that were once sealed shut.

Words are like the venom of a snake; venom give you a burning sensation from the inside out, then slowly breaks down vital tissue, attacking like acid, until you are burned, permanently, from the inside. Word work just in that fashion. Slipping into your ear, marinating in your brain, traveling into your heart, and burning it, from the inside out.

The tone is the teeth to the words of venom, leaving that wound to be that much more painful. The teeth of tone can drag out into your flesh, leaving not a puncture wound, but a gash in the skin, allowing the venom to spread faster into the blood stream. There is, and forever will be a way to say things, and that's something that I strongly believe in.

For me, it's not what the fight is about, but more who the fight is with. Fighting with certain people leaves me at a tarnished physical state: no sleep, constant thoughts, and my ever more needed anxiety. It's the people that mean the most, that leave the worst damage.
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I feel like I work 3 jobs. My actual job, home, and one that shall remain unnamed. The latter two are jobs that leave me with no money, but the slim satisfaction, and slight happiness (when the time is of the essence). Catching a break is something that won't come my way. It's something that I have to be willing to settle for, and willing to accept, which for the most part i have.

I have to settle for the fact that I will always be the one, more affected by certain situations. While other may sleep easy, and at peace, I lay in my bed and stare at the ceiling, counting the days that have past me by where I feel permanently heartbroken.

1 Corinthians 13

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

Love, possibly the most powerful feeling capable of any creature. It branches out into euphoric sensations to the lowest form of misery any single person can endure. Love really has no limits on anything.

We fight for whats worth fighting for. We argue over things because we care. No fight is for nothing, because in a sense, when we fight, we are fighting for each other. I always believed that I would rather fight with the one that I love, every day, than have it all fine a peachy. When we fight for what we love, there is this fierce passion that flourishes within the heart, within the soul, for that one thing we love. No matter how badly things may become, I always believe that it's worth fighting for.

I seem to be rambling on tonight. Last night, and this whole day was a very long and extremely tiresome day for me. I spent a lot of the time fighting and arguing with someone that means a whole lot to me. It takes a lot out of me, personally; the constant feeling of things not being right, of things not being perfect. I don't want things to be perfect though. When things are perfect, there is no fire there; there is nothing to fight over. I'd rather fight with you every single day, than be "perfect" with someone else.

I apologize for the complete and utter random-ness which is this blog.

Wet Cement

So, I practically had a revelation. Although I know that this will most definitely be much easier to say than put into action it is something that is amazing, and something that should most definitely be done.

We all, well most of us, sit here and beat ourselves up about things that we wish we wouldn't have done, or about things that we should have done. We ALL have made mistakes in our past, and will most definitely make mistakes in our future; we are, after all, humans and errors are apart of our lives. The trick is to NOT beat ourselves up about it.

I sit here, day in and day out, wondering what it is that I did wrong. I always try to piece together the puzzle of my life and my past endeavors in which I have dealt with pain, but that is something that I need to stop doing. We all have skeletons in our closets but we all, also have, a bight and wonderful unpaved path in front of us. There is never any set trail we have to follow. No one can sit here, and dictate to us what is to be done of our lives, that is something to be dealt with on our own. So, yes, we all made mistakes, extremely regrettable ones, but we all have this empty path, a clean slate laying at out feet, waiting to be walked on. Now, that isn't to say that things aren't going to be difficult. Sometimes the cement in the pavement is still wet, and your foot isn't quite sturdy, but with time, it will all dry up, and it will be easy to walk again.

That is possibly the corniest thing that I have said thus far, yet it is my food for thought. I do understand that I am not the person to come up with this thought, but I felt as if I should share it, regardless.

Although I just said all of this, I know that I will go against my own word and so other wise, so you have all been warned about future blogs.

That's Life

Lost. That how I feel now. Lost. It's so simply put, yet so hard to get out of. I sit here and watch the time pass me by, and I simply wonder where it will all lead? All of the actions I have put out, the words that I have said, the things left unsaid, undone, and through all of that I just wonder, was it all right?

My heart pounds out of my chest on these night where I find myself tossing, and turning; laying wide awake, listening to my own thoughts (some irrational, I will admit). Why is it that I can sit here and beat myself up, so horribly, yet I get angry at those who do it to themselves? Why is it that I can't take my own advice, my own medicine, if you will? It like a form of self inflicted pain, allowing myself to accept things as they are helps me to cope with it. Allowing myself to believe in such things possibly allows me to be able to accept things for how they were, how they are, and how things will be.

It's sad to honestly say that trust has always been an issue, and will probably always be an issues. I wrote a whole blog on the simple fact of those people who have let me down, so I suppose that after all of that, trust MUST be an issue for one like myself. Although I am fully aware of the fact that I do not stand alone in the "people that have been let down" file, it is a very lonely, and empty place to be. It shall be another obstacle of mine to get over.

Yes, I do wish I was different (yet another issue that I wrote a whole blog about). I wish that I was able to filter things in a more positive way, although I know and understand that won't happen. I wish that I was nicer, I mean, I told 2 people something today, that money bet I could have said in a much kinder matter, but I didn't. I feel as though I am selfish. I always say that I try to be there and what not, but I am a really selfish person, and that needs to stop, now. Those things are amongst the many things that I would love to change about myself, who I am. If I was so amazing, then things would be a lot different, I guarantee that much. But, like everyone else says, this is a New Year; I can change, get a fresh start!(?) Sad part is that I always say that I am going to change, but I never do... That in itself should change

Life will always be something that is difficult. It will never be easy, for anyone. I usually always say "that's life" in my blogs because it is true. That's life, it's the way it works, and the way that it will always work.

2010

This is going to be short, but I feel the need to post this.

This holiday season seriously had to be the best I have ever experienced. Between today, and Christmas, I have to say that I feel like the luckiest person in the world. It's hard to explain, but coming from my shoes, and perspective, this holiday season was, simply put, spectacular.

I spent this New Year's Eve with Emanuel and his family. It was so much fun. His family is so loving, and caring towards one another, it's amazing; it's something that one really doesn't see every day, especially in this era. I hope he knows how lucky, and blessed he truly is to have a family like that, especially his brothers and sister. The love that is shared between all of them, it's completely breath taking. They are all blessed to have each other. :)

I really have to thank Emanuel for this spectacular Holiday Season, he made it amazing for me. So, Thank you baby. I love you :)

Even though today was beyond words, I really did miss my family. I really do love them, a lot.

Anyways, this new year already started out amazingly, and I really hope that it continues to go that way. <3