That's Life

Lost. That how I feel now. Lost. It's so simply put, yet so hard to get out of. I sit here and watch the time pass me by, and I simply wonder where it will all lead? All of the actions I have put out, the words that I have said, the things left unsaid, undone, and through all of that I just wonder, was it all right?

My heart pounds out of my chest on these night where I find myself tossing, and turning; laying wide awake, listening to my own thoughts (some irrational, I will admit). Why is it that I can sit here and beat myself up, so horribly, yet I get angry at those who do it to themselves? Why is it that I can't take my own advice, my own medicine, if you will? It like a form of self inflicted pain, allowing myself to accept things as they are helps me to cope with it. Allowing myself to believe in such things possibly allows me to be able to accept things for how they were, how they are, and how things will be.

It's sad to honestly say that trust has always been an issue, and will probably always be an issues. I wrote a whole blog on the simple fact of those people who have let me down, so I suppose that after all of that, trust MUST be an issue for one like myself. Although I am fully aware of the fact that I do not stand alone in the "people that have been let down" file, it is a very lonely, and empty place to be. It shall be another obstacle of mine to get over.

Yes, I do wish I was different (yet another issue that I wrote a whole blog about). I wish that I was able to filter things in a more positive way, although I know and understand that won't happen. I wish that I was nicer, I mean, I told 2 people something today, that money bet I could have said in a much kinder matter, but I didn't. I feel as though I am selfish. I always say that I try to be there and what not, but I am a really selfish person, and that needs to stop, now. Those things are amongst the many things that I would love to change about myself, who I am. If I was so amazing, then things would be a lot different, I guarantee that much. But, like everyone else says, this is a New Year; I can change, get a fresh start!(?) Sad part is that I always say that I am going to change, but I never do... That in itself should change

Life will always be something that is difficult. It will never be easy, for anyone. I usually always say "that's life" in my blogs because it is true. That's life, it's the way it works, and the way that it will always work.