Count Down

UGHHHHHH ! Lol.

Okay, so there is no real PROBLEM here, just the fact that I am really not outgoing. I mean, out of the friends that I know, I am, but when I'm not in a "comfort zone" I am the quietest person in the world. That bothers me... A LOT. I seriously need to change that. Hopefully with time, I will learn how to work around it.

Lately I have been less than happy. Things are getting harder and my ability to cope with things are simply diminishing. Today I am okay, for the most part. Classes are getting to be annoying to me. I hate studying for a week, and then getting an 83. That irks the crap out of me. Welcome to College.

I've had so many test, and I have one more coming up. It's an endless cycle! AHH

I am really excited for the 13th now :)
Another countdown shall commence :)

Controlling Wishful Thinking

I get these thought in my head that maybe things will go my way, that just maybe things are going to be alright. Then my wishful thinking and my hope are shot down; my hopes are shattered like glass in an explosion. This sudden jolt of negative energy comes and slaps me, right across my smitten face. While this all happens, the only thought that runs through my mind is: Where the hell did I go wrong. It s a constant thing, for me, to wonder where I let it all slip away. How I allowed everything to spin, furiously out of control. Then I remember that I will never be in control. I can't control the things that happen around me. I can't control the outcome of certain situations. I am okay with that, and everything that relates to that. The one thing the I hate the most is the fact that I can't control how I feel. I can't control my emotions and how out of control they can become. I just have to sit here and deal with them. Control is not an option. Control was never an option. My only option is to allow my feelings to flourish within my heart. I have to allow these feelings to burn and rampage through my insides. That's the only way to feel alive. Thats the only way to know that you are living.

I wake up every morning with the same thought in my mind. I go to sleep every night (when I can) with the same though on my mind. These are the thoughts that take over my every day. Again, the loss of control.

Am I really an inner control freak? Am I really that sprung out on wanting to control everything that happens, that I obsess over it?
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Have you ever lost faith in something that you once believed in with all your heart? Like I know that not everything can go as planned, but DAMN IT!

I want to believe and I want to have faith in everything and anything that is possible, but wishful thinking has gotten me no where but here.

I keep thinking about it and everything. It hurts less now. I think that I am getting numb to it. I think that I am becoming immune to it now.

I don't know if thats a good thing though. I dont know if that's something that I want.

I feel like I lost faith, but I am hanging on by a small strand, which may be broken. I know that it will be broken, but I also know that I will still be there. I will be hopeless, but I will still be there. That's the power of human emotion. Taking hits and let downs is part of life. It's a huge part of mine.

ever thine, ever mine, ever ours

Have you ever wished that you were a different person? I do sometimes. I just wonder what it would be like. Maybe if I was a better version of me and who I am right now. I wish that I could change things. I wish I could mean more, but I guess that can't happen.

I am blogging off my phone out of pure lazziness. My back hurts like you wouldn't believe and I just slammed the window shut on my hand. This is all on top of my headache and migraine. And the yankees lost tonight I am having an incredible night if you couldn't tell. Its to top of my mediocre day, I suppose.

Today my mom told me that in life the things that you try your hardest for and fight for the most, are the things that are worth while. Those are the things that are the most meaningful. We fight for it because that's what we care about. There wouldn't be a point in putting up a fight and caring so much if we didn't love this thing ir person. I fight for the things that I love. I will fight to the ends of the earth and beyond if it means that I could get the one I care about the most. I wouldn't want to risk losing it. I wouldn't want to have to wait and see how its like without it. Call it instinct but I know when something is good. Fighting for it is inevitable. Holding on to it for dear life when things get difficult is the hard part.

I miss home every now and then. I miss the city and the bright lights. I miss the calming atmosphere. Its nice up here, don't get me wrong, but my heart is with the city. I need to go back to the docks and take in the big buildings and bright neon lights. I am looking forward to thanksgiving break and the people I am going to see. $

There are so many things going through my mind right now. There are so many thoughts. One stands out more than others but that's a given.

Tomorrow is friday. Planning in smoking hookah with Omar and other, should be fun.

"...never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.
ever thine
ever mine
ever ours"

Wish

Okay the last week past by fairly quickly, fast than I had anticipated, but it's all good.

E$ came this weekend. It was another amazing weekend, even though I feel like it went to fast.
I probably won't see him till Thanksgiving.

I really can't wait till Turkey Day comes though, I actually really want to go home (not bad enough that I will leave today, but enough. Lol) I really want to see Phil and Sofia and what not, that's what I am really looking forward to the most.

So last night, I had an in depth conversation with one of my good friends up here about city life. He is convinced that raising a family in new york city may only be detrimental and negative. I know that the city is really dangerous and what not, and I know that bad things can happen, but in the city, you learn things that you can't learn other places. I mean, simple things like getting lost on the train or bus can teach you and show you a whole new world a things. I go out with some of my friends up here that aren't from the city and they are a lot less street smart than I am. It's in really simple things where I found this out. I mean, in the city you get to see the good and that bad in the world, and it's really important that it's shown, and learned. I am more appreciative of what I have back home in the city now that I see things up here. My heart will always be in the city; my city.

It's been a pretty rough night so far, and a rough day in general for me. The normal things happened. Class, dorm, ect. but a conversation with my brother got me really aggravated. I'm not going to get into it to much, I just don't feel like talking about it here. Just makes me think about me and my path and what not.

I have an app. with my academic advisor on friday. I can finally declare my major, so I am hyped.

I wonder if people will get tired of me. I was thinking about this today, for some reason. I think that it has to do with the dreams that I have been having, but I just wonder. After a while, will someone just get sick of me? Not want to see me? Speak to me? I know that I am not perfect. I just wonder. I am sure that it happens, and if not, it will happen. That's life I guess.

I feel like venting what I am thinking right now. I know that I am not the prettiest, I don't have the best hair, or the straightest teeth. I am corky and gawky. I can be a misfit a lot of the time. I am loud and can be obnoxious. I try to hard for the people that I care about, and I get attached to them. I don't dress the nicest and I don't have the nicest body. There are so many flaws to me. Blemishes both physical and personal. I wish every single night at 11:11 just because. I spend my night thinking about things that are way beyond my control. I get terrible anxiety. I wish that I was the best of the best. I wish I could be able to compete, but I don't think that I can.

Analyze This

Contrary to my post yesterday, I am feeling quiet down today. Besides the fact that it has been a very long and boring day, I feel kind of use less? I wish I could do more to help people feel better, but what I do is my best, and you can't beat that, right?

Today was a very boring day. I woke up (on time!) for my class today. It went pretty swiftly. It ended up being half notes, half movie. I spent most of my time the internet though, I'm not going to lie. The class itself is really easy minus the fact that it's an 8 am course. Economic also went without a hitch. That class is straight note taking and what not; just listening to the professor speak about things that don't pertain to my life.

I really just want to declare my major already to be honest >=| I feel like I am wasting so much time not taking classes that I need. Eh, oh well, only a couple more weeks of these BS classes and I am on my way to Journalism! Owww!

I have recently rekindled my love of the water. I started to swim, leisurely, recently and I love it. I wish that I never stopped. I wish that I hadn't stopped many things that have done in the past. I wish that I never stopped the piano most of all though. Grr, damn me and my stubborn behavior. Oh well, I could always go back to it?

I have many doubts as to my future right now, out of no where I started to think about it. Growl, I guess I will have to wait and see what's in store. I got to keep my head in the game and focused. I just hope that I can keep my confidence up as well.


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Edit

So my mood has been from high as can be, to a low slump of nothing. Right now, I'm throwing the towel in on any faith I had. Forget it.

Easy how one thing can change your whole perspective.

Sappy Moment

What an amazing weekend :)
It all began on Friday. I woke up, a little later than I anticipated, but got on with my day none the less. I went to Syracuse to go see E$ :)

We basically stayed in the whole weekend and spent much needed time together. It was amazing, and I loved every second of it. He showed me around Cuse a little bit, and we went to dinner and the movies, like we use to do. I swear, it was perfect :)

I wondered if it would all would be the same between he and I. I really was worried if it was going to feel the same. As soon as we kissed, it was better than before. Ah, I feel like a 10 year old girl with a crush. ]:

So, now I am back at BSC !!! :) I'm not going to lie, I missed it a little. It's different over here. I love it. Now I am simply sitting on my bed and blogging, really tired for some strange reason. I feel like I have a lot to do this week. I have to go grocery shopping, write a paper, so laundry, ect. It's going to be a tough week.

E$ is coming here this Friday, and even though I just spent the weekend with him, I really can't wait till he comes.

After this weekend, I really don't have much to look forward to, now that I think about it. I am waiting for Thanksgiving to come, and that's more than a month away, so there is no use in getting too excited.

I just want to touch on something really quickly. The feeling of complete euphoric bliss. I have experienced happiness before, yet I don't think that past this weekend, I had experienced euphoric bliss. The fact that I got something that I was waiting for, for a while. The weeks anticipating this past weekend was completely nerve wracking. I am so happy that it was above and beyond what I had hoped for. [:

I am done with my sappy rant now.

Extraordinarily Flawed

It's almost 2AM, and I can't sleep thanks to amazing Perry Hall and it's 1AM piercing fire alarms. I have been on Facebook, I even took that "social interview" crap, 2 times! lol, yet nothing. So I made some tea that puts me to sleep and I decided to blog :)

These past two days have been alright. Nothing out of the ordinary for me. Classes are dull, and life here is moving a little bit slower. It's probably due to the fact that I wanted today to come a lot faster, and now that it's actually here, I can't sleep. Joy.

I've been writing a lot more fiction lately, due to my Creative Writing class. I mean, I've never really been into that whole writing thing, but it's fun. You get to control the characters and make them do what you want them to. Full control of the outcome! It's a perfect hobby for control freaks, you guys should look into it! :)

I've been really excited to begin my classes for my major. I have to begin to research things so I can make my dream come true! This is going to be one of the most challenging things I will have to do, ever! I like a challenge, so I am up for it! :) WooHoo TeenVouge here I come ! :)

Even though I am feeling the tea right about now, I am still in a really good mood. I don't know, probably because I am writing; doing what I love the most. Maybe it's because I will see E$ in 14 hours (?) ! Well, for whatever the reason is, I am happy that I am in a good mood.

Have you ever been pitted against something that is so perfect for you? This one thing is the epitome and the essence of YOU, and you can have it at any given moment, when ever you please. It pure, and it's perfect, it's you. But, even with all of the perfection, and the mirror image of what you are, you don't want it? You don't want the "perfect" and the pure essence of it. See, now that explains me. We all yearn for this perfection and what not, whether it be out bodies, or relationships. We- as a species- are extremely vain and superficial. Now, see, when I think about ME and what I really want, I notice that perfection isn't really one of those things. When things in your life are flawed, you are exposed to the true beauty of it. Yes, don't get my wrong, I do like things going swiftly and my way, but I realize that when these things occur, it gets boring and I begin to lose appreciation. I like seeing the "bad" in things, it keeps me level headed and reminds me of those better times. I don't want perfect, in any way shape or form. I like things that are flawed (again, not taken to the extreme!) I guess I think this way due to the fact that I am flawed, to the max. I mean, I think that I could literally sit here and explain everything that is wrong with me and my complex ways of thinking. Then again, that's for another blog entry!

This is probably going to be a one time saying for me, so take in it people!: I like to give myself the impression that I am "extraordinary" (not in the conceited, I'm the greatest kind of way). I like to give myself a LITTLE credit for where I am in my life. I mean, honestly, I got to where I am. I went through my High School years. I studied. I took that bogus SAT, 3 times! I sit in my classes. I do what I do! So, yes! I may consider my self a little "extraordinary". Once I achieve the goals that I have set for myself, and my college career is complete, I will be fully extraordinary.

Okay, tea is kicking in full throttle.

Grand

Okay, so this week has started off really well :)

Friday night, I slept over Hannah's house with the girls. It was a lot of fun, like we always have. Saturday was dance! Ah, that was so much fun! Even though I have a lot of trouble keeping up, it was great :)
Saturday night we attempted to go out. It was an epic fail! Lol, but again, we still had fun.
Sunday I went to see Fame with Sara and Ashley :) I love that movie, it was so good After we simply walked around the mall, made some purchases. Good fun.

Yesterday started off my week. After a somewhat easy day of classes, I went for a swim for the first time in a really long time. It was amazing. I love the feeling of water surrounding my body. It was so calming and I was able to get a lot of thinking done. It was also Phil's birthday :) Woot Wooot :) He is an old fart now, I still love him. The rest of the day went swiftly. I went to the dance studio as well. Got my groove on ;]

Today has been going great! I finally know what I want to do with the rest of my life ! Journalism and Communications major with a minor in Marketing! It was sprung from a conversation last night with E$<3. I have been so stressed on what I want to do with my life, as you guy read in earlier post. Now I finally did the research and realized that Journalism is what I want. not to mention I like to believe that I am good at it. Writing has always been the thing that I am "best" at. I won't lie, I am really scared about it though. I really do hope that everything works out in the end :)

I want to point out that I am very, very proud of David Alexander Reyes for going back to school, even though he HATES it. 3rd time is a charm!

I also want to take this chance just to say thanks to those who have helped me through everything. Huggins, E$, David, Sofia, ect. I love all of your guys.

Going to see E$ in 3 days! I love youuu, babe ! <3

Well I shall update a little more later. Off to the union! :)

Inner Strength

Inner strength is something that we all have, whether we like to think so or not. Some have it more than others, yes I will admit that, but at the same time we ALL have it. I see so many people curl up, and give up so easily and it aggravates me in the worst way. I don't like to compare people's situations, we all handle things differently, but at the same time what you do during your low points really can define your character. I know some people that will just cry and break down; I know some people that chose not to say anything and let it go; I know some people that chose to take everything upon themselves. Don't give up because life gets hard.

This all sparked from someone I know, who is going through a lot of issues. I love this person to death! I would definitely do anything for this person, but at the same time, it doesn't make sense to me. "He" just wants to give up because life is hard. No one said that anything in this world would be easy, so get use to it! I am sorry to be mean and blunt but I am so tired of people sitting there and just crying about it.

This is to that person: People always leave no matter what anyone will tell you, but this doesn't mean that you will never see them ever again. Any type of relationship takes work. It doesn't matter if it's 2 friends whom are far apart or two people that are in love. It's not easy, and if you really care about the person, and if you want the person in your life, you are willing to go through some struggle!

Life is hard, and it only gets harder.

Another thing that bothers me is when people don't take time to do things for themselves. If things in your life are slipping, things such as school, friends, love life or what ever, maybe you need to step back, and figure it all out. Take some time to focus on YOU, then deal with the rest. If you say that your life is falling apart, then you should do something about it.

Drained

I am so drained right now, I don't even know why. I accidentally slept through my first class O_O, but I can just get the notes from someone in my class. I woke up at 9:25 for my next, 9:30 test. I ran out of my dorm, forgot my keys and everything! The test was pretty good, took me about 25 minutes. It was really simple.

Have you ever felt as if you need to impress someone? Not just impress with the way you dress, but with everything else in between. I feel like I have to be everything and more, as if I have to try and be better than the best. Gr, I hate having to compete with other, some others that I don't even know. It sucks so badly.

So lately I have really been thinking about what I want to do with the rest of my life. I am seriously thinking about going into writing. I have always loved it, I might as well make it my profession, right? The one thing that I need to do is get my confidence up. I really need to work on my writing as well, I'm slacking. I am going to join The Ink Club on campus. This should get my to stop being so shy when I come to my writing and such. I hope that it works and that it will help me. I really do spend half of my days writing. I feel like it's to repetitive though.

A small part of me still doesn't believe that I am here for school. I keep thinking that I am going back really soon and such. Then I remember that I am here till November 24th! It's not a terrible thing, but I would like to see some people.

I just realized that I am not "living up" my college life. I mean, I really don't like to go out and party all the time. To me it's not necessary, and most of the parties that I have gone to are people standing and getting wasted. To me, that stuff is just mundane and repetitive. I guess that I am the odd one out? I have no idea. To me, the idea of needing to go out and do certain things. Maybe this is why I feel like I should be doing a lot more, and being better? Competition sucks ass.