Controlling Wishful Thinking

I get these thought in my head that maybe things will go my way, that just maybe things are going to be alright. Then my wishful thinking and my hope are shot down; my hopes are shattered like glass in an explosion. This sudden jolt of negative energy comes and slaps me, right across my smitten face. While this all happens, the only thought that runs through my mind is: Where the hell did I go wrong. It s a constant thing, for me, to wonder where I let it all slip away. How I allowed everything to spin, furiously out of control. Then I remember that I will never be in control. I can't control the things that happen around me. I can't control the outcome of certain situations. I am okay with that, and everything that relates to that. The one thing the I hate the most is the fact that I can't control how I feel. I can't control my emotions and how out of control they can become. I just have to sit here and deal with them. Control is not an option. Control was never an option. My only option is to allow my feelings to flourish within my heart. I have to allow these feelings to burn and rampage through my insides. That's the only way to feel alive. Thats the only way to know that you are living.

I wake up every morning with the same thought in my mind. I go to sleep every night (when I can) with the same though on my mind. These are the thoughts that take over my every day. Again, the loss of control.

Am I really an inner control freak? Am I really that sprung out on wanting to control everything that happens, that I obsess over it?
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Have you ever lost faith in something that you once believed in with all your heart? Like I know that not everything can go as planned, but DAMN IT!

I want to believe and I want to have faith in everything and anything that is possible, but wishful thinking has gotten me no where but here.

I keep thinking about it and everything. It hurts less now. I think that I am getting numb to it. I think that I am becoming immune to it now.

I don't know if thats a good thing though. I dont know if that's something that I want.

I feel like I lost faith, but I am hanging on by a small strand, which may be broken. I know that it will be broken, but I also know that I will still be there. I will be hopeless, but I will still be there. That's the power of human emotion. Taking hits and let downs is part of life. It's a huge part of mine.