Safe

I have never felt too safe in my life; I am not talking about the lack of security due to a dangerous environment (gun, drugs, ect.) I am talking about the ability to feel safe in your own skin (perhaps?). To be completely honest, I really don't know how to explain it, but I have never really felt safe at all.

I don't know why I have felt "unsafe", I guess that it is something that just happens to some people, maybe it's the whole GAD thing. I have been living in my home for most of my life, and to this very day, this very moment, I don't feel 100% safe, or content. It compels me as to why that is; I will sit here and think about it and ask myself. I have tried to make certain things in my room different or just sit in the living room and try to make myself see that there is nothing bad, but nothing has worked out.

Maybe it's not the environment, but more so the people in this home. There has always been this negative energy circulating my house due to arguments and fighting over the simplest of things. I mean, I don't remember having ONE simple week where everything was okay, where there were no huge disagreements with people yelling at each other so loudly, the whole neighborhood would be able to hear.

I just experienced 100% safety yesterday night; I felt as if, literally, nothing could touch me. I didn't have one single worry or care and for a brief moment in time, it was like GAD didn't even exist. This happened after a fairly tough discussion with Emanuel. The thing is that we always have these fights, fights that honestly are extremely trivial, but they are fights none the less. Yesterday seemed to be a little bit different, maybe it was just me. He hugged me, and simply embraced me for several minutes. No words were exchanged; the only thing that I heard was his gentle heart beat and the cars passing by. There was no movement but the slow and soft inhale, exhale of his chest. I felt my anxiety slowly slip away from me, and my shoulders gently drop. The feel of his warm skin soothed my racing mind, and the melody of his gentle heartbeat coaxed the bad thoughts away. This was the safest I have felt in my life. So to him, thank you <3 You're amazing and wonderful, and I love you a lot.