Rounding out the Year..

Wow, 2009 is pretty much gone, and we are entering 2010. Everyone always says they are going to start the new year off right, and that change is going to occur. Maybe for some people it will happen, or growing up will, but for everyone, I really wish the best.

2009 has proven to be on the the greatest years, and one of the worst years I have ever encountered. Through all of the endeavors and hardships there were many laughs and great memories. I have met so many amazing people this past year, and I have also let go of some people. I have been hurt in ways I never thought possible, and I have hurt some people in ways I never intended to.

I graduated from, possibly, the GREATEST high school in the universe, Robert F. Kennedy. Leaving that school, spending 4 years in that amazing school changed my life. It literally molded me into the the person that I am today. With in that school, I have met some amazing people; friends that are going to be there for the rest of my life. The teachers there inspired me to try to be extraordinary to the best of my abilities. They gave me the tools and the bravery to go away to college.

I entered into my first semester of college at Buffalo State, and it was a good choice. Although it is not the greatest school in the world, but there are many people there whom are amazing. Again, I had to opportunity to meet people that will remain in my life for the long run.

There have been many different problems and I have had many hardships this year. I learned a lot about other people, and a lot about myself. I am capable of more things that I thought possible.

This year, I found out what true love really is, and I found out what it is to have your heart ripped out. Although Emanuel and I have been through more than imaginable, I am elated to say that he and I are together and trying. I love him, and that's not going to go away, no matter what year it is.

I am glad to say that some people in my life are back in my life. I am happy to know that my fall outs with some people are fixed and what not. It is amazing to see how some friendships never fail, and in the end, we are all still there for each other.

It's sad to say that I am not going to be there for some people in 2010 like I was in 2009. But that is something that will have to be dealt with, whether I want it or not.

2010 may be a great year, there is always that possibility, but I always believe that there is a way that we can change things, ourselves. There is always a way where we can make this year, and the years to come amazing ones.

I am going to start the new year off right, with an open mind, and an open heart.

Want

I hate this feeling. Like there is no control over anything in this world. We all hurt, that nothing new, but to me I will never understand why some hurt more than others. I guess that is something to be left alone, never to be understood. I wish I could take it all and let it go. I am so frustrated with everything. I am so angry with the way things are going. I have to keep it all in, and release it all later. There is really no point in dwelling on what IS, and what shall remain.

I really want certain things in my life, and when I say that I want these things, I mean it. I want some things BAD! I'm pretty much going to do anything in my power to obtain these things. It's just 2 things. These two things really do mean a lot to me. I am always willing to fight, and I fight for some things more than others. I am going to fight for this till i have no more strength.

Disease

I am so tired of being the bigger person. I really wish I could simple not care anymore, but what good will that do, right? I just don't know anymore. I tried! I can honestly say that I tried. With that same thought, I don't think that effort is ever sent my way, but that's life. It is what it is.

I am honestly really glad for most of the people I have met up here. You really know who has your back when certain situations come about, and that's what it all comes down too. Not everyone in this world is going to be good to you, I have experienced that FIRST hand, but you always have to allow some openness to find people like some of the people I've met. It's a good thing for that.

I'm always going to be the type of person that is going to put up with a lot of things. Between family and other nonsense, I know that I am always going to be the one to endure a lot. I have become okay with it. I have honestly accepted it at this point. It is what it is, like I said.

I have really come to realize that certain things are going to haunt me for a while. I guess I might have brought that upon myself with the past. Karma is a bitch? It's not really a question, but it's more of a fact. Karma is a bitch, but I wish I can know what I have done. I guess that's something to be left up in the air...

I have loved one more than anything in this world. I swear, I would really give up a lot for this kid. I would give up so much, it's pretty crazy. But, like everything else in my world, things never really work out for me. I don't know. I don't think that I have done anything wrong... but then again, knowing me, I probably did something to mess everything up. I guess I can't blame those who hurt me. More chances for me to get hurt, stomped on, and forgotten will be given out. Not a problem.

"I thought love would be my cure- But now it's my disease." True Story.

Distance and Time

Being far away hurts. I don't like sleeping alone anymore. I just simply don't like the old, empty feeling. It feels like a hunger, but nothing I eat can fill the void. Sigh..I need to stop being so down.

Its snowing a lot outside. I can barely see what's in front of me, and it's brick as hell.

I really don't know what I want to write about, but I just feel like writing. I had this little epiphany last night, but it wasn't a very good one. I just realized how I really am at the moment and it sucks so badly. I am so jealous of certain people and it's annoying me. It's not that "hater" jealousy, nor is it that I don't want them to have what I am jealous of, but its just jealousy. I'm happy for whom ever is happy. As for me, with certain things, I lack in the happiness area.

I'm not really complaining about it... Okay, so I am, but I just get so angry with it. I want things to be different, but I know that they can't be, not for a really long time. I guess that I am okay with that. I guess that I am going to have to deal with it for the time being (which will probably be for the next couple years).

Yesterday was a really good day I must say. I hung out with pretty much everyone. Traveled over to UB as well. It was a lot of fun. Once I got back though, things got a little rough. I went to the Library with Liz for like 4 hours. Damn finals -_- Once I got back from the library around 12:30, I skyped with E$ for a while. We usually do this every night and just fall asleep with the video on. During the night, the video usually just disconnects itself, but this morning I woke up to him there. It was, by far, one of the best morning I've had in a really long time. Despite the way that I am feeling at the current moment, I loved the fact that I woke up to him, but I also hated it at the same time. It's like a tease. "You can look, but can't touch" That just made me really upset after.

School is going smoothly. I am finally done with my first semester of classes, which I am very happy about. I have a couple test coming up, but I am really not stressing to hard about it to be honest. I just want to go home and relax.

Family is going okay too. I really can't complain because I'm not home, and that's something that won't really change.

Friends, I realize come and go, but that's life. Those who are meant to be in your life, will be. Point Blank. I've meant some really, really good people along the way though. Some back home, some here, and some spread around.

Love is something thing that is amazing, and I think that what I have is beautiful, as Liz calls it. But it is in no way shape or form easy, at all. It's painful. The fact is that we go through pain for the people that we love the most, and in the end it's all going to be okay. I know that I will endure all the pain and suffering in the world for someone I love.

I hate that nothing in my life has come easy. I feel like I have to put up a fight and a half to get what ever it is that I want, and then once I "have it" I still have to fight, all the time to keep it. It's a never ending cycle. But I'll be waiting.

"You are always on my mind; All I do is count the days."

Ordinary or Extraordinary

One of the most influential people in my life has always told us to ask ourselves: Would you rather be ordinary, or extraordinary? Today I was sitting in class and thinking, who draws the line to differentiate between the two? I mean, we can all sit here and try our best and try to live out the best life possible but does that make you extraordinary? Does living for others make your extraordinary? I was in such deep thought about it. I mean, we all try to lead these lives and try to make the best out of everything. But what happens when you feel that it all is going to waste? Like you try to lead this life, with all of these accomplishments and trying to give to others, and live life selflessly but it all goes unnoticed. It just makes me wonder: what is this all for? Is this really living extraordinary? Leading this life hurt then. But I'd rather live a life and be extraordinary that slink in the shadows of everyone else. (even if I feel like I am in the shadows anyway)

I really don't know how I am feeling today. I got about 2 hours of sleep today, and I am really tired. I doubt that I am going to get sleep tonight too. I don't understand why these things happen to me.

Alicia Keys' album is amazing. Right now, with each song she has captivated the way I feel or how I have felt. She is amazing.

Deadly Sin

The green little monster is really a bitch- pardon my french. I hate seeing the things that other people have that I want. Don't get me wrong, I am blessed in way some people aren't, and in way some people won't ever be. Yet at the same time, I feel like I have to fight 30x harder for the things that I want in life. Other people may just simply get it served to them on a platter. Others just take advantage of the things that are given to them. I feel like such a pain in the ass, all the time now. I really want certain things in my life, but those things I feel like I will never reach.

Why do people take advantage of what they have in front of them? When things are at it's peak, and everything is close to amazing, no one wants to appreciate. No one wants to appreciate what they have when they have it. Then when things get hard, when things hit the fan and everything gets terribly complicated, thats when "appreciation" is set in. It always seems to happen that when it's to difficult to show appreciation, thats when it's put in the hardest.

I'm not bitter or angry at anyone specifically. I am just extremely jealous of those who have what I want. Things are never easy for me, and this isn't going to be any easier.

Past Rewind

So today I took the time to go back into some of my older blogs, to try to get a feel of how things were back then. Jesus, times were rough. I pretty much lied about my "extreme happiness" from the end of April till about the start of July. Shakes my head at me and my own foolishness. I must say, I am a pretty good liar, at that. To be honest, I don't know why I do it to myself. I keep picking at a cut that it almost healed; I make it bleed again. I guess I don't want to forget; I really don't want to go back there. I don't think that I ever want to go back to that point in my life.

It's crazy how much one person can love someone else. It's like, I really do believe that love is the most powerful human emotion. It can make someone come up from the slums, or bring someone down from the highest mountains. Its not only love between a man and a woman, but I am talking about love in general. It's the craziest feeling in the world.

I'm not going to sit here and lie, again. I have loved someone so much.. More than I have love anyone else. Partially because he has loved me in ways I didn't think I could be loved. He really is an amazing person. Regardless of the things that he and I have been through, I love him. I have always loved him. I will always love him. Things are going to get more and more difficult as time passes by, but that is something that I am going to have to deal with. It's something that I am going to have to deal with, something that I know that I am going to have to put myself through. I know that I am going to be ... a little less than miserable for that specific time, but I suppose that it's something that I am going to have to go through. He is worth it, so I have to do this for him.

It's that time of year again. The time of year where everything outside is cold, and there are lights everywhere. Thanksgiving has passed and Christmas is right around the corner. I love this time of the year. I absolutely adore it! I love walking around in the City. Feeling the cold air, watching people around Manhattan go crazy looking for that perfect gift for the person they love. I don't know if it's just me, or if people also seem a lot nicer around this time. People are usually so mean, and cruel, but around this time, everyone is nicer.

I keep thinking about last year's winter. It was quite literally, the best winter I have ever had. I remember walking around the city with Emanuel and just being in love. I remember having everything in my life set perfectly. I remember friends being great, and family issues being at a minimum. I really wish that I could go back to that point in my life. That point where everything was simple and I was so happy, and that time I was genuinely happy. I don't know what happened. I don't know why everything went down the drain and gotten like this. I sit here and think, all the time, what I could have done to make everything better... I wish that I could have made it all better.. I wish that I could take everyone's pain. But I sadly can't do that, and lately, I've had a lot of pain all on my own.

I am really, REALLY scared of next semester.. I don't think that I could have ever been this scared of what might happen. The thought of change scares me. I think that I have done well with getting myself this far from where I was, but God damn it, I am so scared of what is going to happen :(

I feel like I have lost all of my ability to write as well. I feel like I lost all of my creativity. What happened to me?