Past Rewind

So today I took the time to go back into some of my older blogs, to try to get a feel of how things were back then. Jesus, times were rough. I pretty much lied about my "extreme happiness" from the end of April till about the start of July. Shakes my head at me and my own foolishness. I must say, I am a pretty good liar, at that. To be honest, I don't know why I do it to myself. I keep picking at a cut that it almost healed; I make it bleed again. I guess I don't want to forget; I really don't want to go back there. I don't think that I ever want to go back to that point in my life.

It's crazy how much one person can love someone else. It's like, I really do believe that love is the most powerful human emotion. It can make someone come up from the slums, or bring someone down from the highest mountains. Its not only love between a man and a woman, but I am talking about love in general. It's the craziest feeling in the world.

I'm not going to sit here and lie, again. I have loved someone so much.. More than I have love anyone else. Partially because he has loved me in ways I didn't think I could be loved. He really is an amazing person. Regardless of the things that he and I have been through, I love him. I have always loved him. I will always love him. Things are going to get more and more difficult as time passes by, but that is something that I am going to have to deal with. It's something that I am going to have to deal with, something that I know that I am going to have to put myself through. I know that I am going to be ... a little less than miserable for that specific time, but I suppose that it's something that I am going to have to go through. He is worth it, so I have to do this for him.

It's that time of year again. The time of year where everything outside is cold, and there are lights everywhere. Thanksgiving has passed and Christmas is right around the corner. I love this time of the year. I absolutely adore it! I love walking around in the City. Feeling the cold air, watching people around Manhattan go crazy looking for that perfect gift for the person they love. I don't know if it's just me, or if people also seem a lot nicer around this time. People are usually so mean, and cruel, but around this time, everyone is nicer.

I keep thinking about last year's winter. It was quite literally, the best winter I have ever had. I remember walking around the city with Emanuel and just being in love. I remember having everything in my life set perfectly. I remember friends being great, and family issues being at a minimum. I really wish that I could go back to that point in my life. That point where everything was simple and I was so happy, and that time I was genuinely happy. I don't know what happened. I don't know why everything went down the drain and gotten like this. I sit here and think, all the time, what I could have done to make everything better... I wish that I could have made it all better.. I wish that I could take everyone's pain. But I sadly can't do that, and lately, I've had a lot of pain all on my own.

I am really, REALLY scared of next semester.. I don't think that I could have ever been this scared of what might happen. The thought of change scares me. I think that I have done well with getting myself this far from where I was, but God damn it, I am so scared of what is going to happen :(

I feel like I have lost all of my ability to write as well. I feel like I lost all of my creativity. What happened to me?