Blow.

Okay, so I know that helping others is a good thing. It's suppose to make you feel better about yourself, and you know what, the bottom line is that it's great karma too! But right now, i=I simply feel used.

How is it that when shit goes down, you're alone, but when someone needs something, they come straight to you. I know that I am being a good person, but I have been this "good" person for my whole entire life, and this game is tiresome. It's like... I just really wonder when all of this good karma I throw out is going to get back to me, you know?

It's funny too, because I write these blog entries, and I have been doing this for some time but the fact is that I don't reach anyone. No one is reading this, and no one really cares. While I sit here and pour out my feelings, hoping that someone will read this and say to themselves "damn, I know what this girl is feeling" it's not going to happen. I guess I have become some what content with that idea because, after all, I am still here typing my little fingers away. Maybe I do have a little bit of hope left in me. (Too bad it won't happen)

I wonder how it feels to be desired as a person. I am not speaking about lustfully desired, but just desired as a friend, a genuine friend. I don't really know if i ever felt that in my lifetime, my very short 19 year life time. But I do know that it suck walking around and feeling like people are looking past you as if you aren't there. I feel like I am a walking hologram, something someone can put there hand through because in actuality, I am not even there...

Maybe I am not there... I don't know but what I do know is that living this way, and feeling this way really does blow...

My monster

I feel like I am slowly losing my mind, like insanity is knocking right at my door. The more the anxiety begins to consume my life, the more I become reluctant to believe that I will one day be okay.

I don't know why this week was so horrible. I don't know why this week I got little to know sleep. I just want it to be over.

I'm so sick of sitting in my bed and fighting my monster, my own personal demon. I am so sick of wonder what it's like to live a life free of this devil I call anxiety.

I just want to be set free, and fly; I don't want to rely on anything and I just want to be able to go one day, just ONE day without dealing with the shaking and the sadness.

I just want to know what I ever did to deserve this life. I want to know what I did so I can fix it, so I can redeem myself. I just want to be normal.

I can't even think of a time when I didn't live like this. I can't think of a time where I wasn't shadowed by this leviathan.

I wish I didn't feel anything, just like become numb to everything in this entire universe. Nothing is helping me anymore.

I need medication.
I need someone that understands.

DADT

Don't ask, don't tell. Don’t ask if I am gay, I won’t tell that I am gay. That entire phrase makes absolutely no sense, what-so-ever. Since when has America become a land where one can't be his or her self? At one point, women weren't allowed to serve in the military, and once they were allowed, they weren't able to do combat, and why? Because women were born with different hormones than men. Because women were born as women. They were being deprived something solely based on who they were. Now that women are finally being able to go into combat, they are finally being accepted for who they are within the military. But now, this whole "don't ask, don't tell" policy is oppressing the gay community the same way that women were once oppressed, and blacks were once oppressed. Although the extreme cases of slavery and not being able to vote aren't in the same category, one cannot deny the fact that oppression due to who you are, and how you were born, is still oppression, PERIOD.

America dictates and prides itself on being the land of the free. When people think of the United States of America, they would see a country where anything is possible, but apparently that anything disregards being who you were born to be.
It is a shame, that in this century, people aren't getting it. People don't get that no matter the color of your skin, your religious denomination, your gender, or who you love matters. Every human being is the same. Feelings are feelings, and pain is pain. Whether you are gay on the front line, or straight on the front line, you're fighting for your country. Hiding who you are shouldn't be a condition to serve your country.

Though the many years America has been around, we have constantly put down other because they are different. When will it stop? As former President Harry S. Truman once said “the buck stops here”.

Questions

Sometimes I look around at my environment, which is ever changing and I just think... I think about everything that has happened in my life which has gotten me here, to this place where I should (?) be.

Its funny to think about how the smallest actions and decision we make can make or break out future, literally. How a simple decision like chosing swiming over dancing can change your entire physiqe forever.

I wonder how I got here, to Buffalo State. I wonder what small decision I made to shape me to come here over Geneso, or Platsburg. Why I decided to be a writer and not a lawyer. All these questions are just coming up and I really do want some answers.

I don't know why I keep thinking about all these things, but the fact is that I do.

I am trying to get my confidence up. Thats really hard, let me tell you.

My own worst enemy.

I don't know why I decided to do be a Communications major. I don't know why I decided that I wanted to be a journalist for the rest of my life! Half the time, I really never know why I wanted to write, for the rest of my life, when I honestly will never reach anyone. Seriously, I feel like my main purpose in my life is to reach someone like Huggins reached me, or how books and simple fictional characters reached me and touched my life, but how the hell am I suppose to do this when I can't do what I aspire to do?!

I sit here, and just stare at the black white screen, Microsoft office, and I get nothing. I try to find some sort of inspiration and I have nothing.

Maybe I am my own worst enemy, I don't doubt that at all, what-so-ever. But it's hard to think that the things I write are any good, when I read things that many of my peers have written and it's just like damn it, I'm not that good! After that, it just all goes down hill from there. I just don't think that my words are going to save someone... Matter of fact, I know it's not.

I have this weird complex, where I simply allow myself to become consumed within my own thoughts of negativity. I am a negative person, an extreme pessimist. But, my negativity and pessimistic views are solely directed towards me. I'm pretty sure that I am holding myself back. But from what?! If I seriously don't believe that I am going to be anything, then what am I holding myself back from?

The stress and complexities of my day just seem to become more and more abundant. Its just everywhere I look, everyone I speak to. Arguments erupt like an angry volcano. Then the smoldering lava takes over my mind and leaves me bare and confused.

I want someone who I can connect to, and who feels everything that I do right now. I just want to speak to that person. I am tired of people telling me "oh..I'm sorry".

At the end of the day, I just feel alone.

Fck.

I remember why I stopped writing. I get too frustrated with it. I hate rereading my work, and really thinking that it sucks. I hate rereading what I have typed down on the stupid word document and thinking "who the fck is this going to reach?"

I feel like my words on these papers don't matter.

Stand up.

I legitimately thought about giving up on this whole Blog thing, I won't lie. The thought about not being heard or really listened to has lingered in my mind for some time now. The whole theory of "if a tree falls, but no one is around to hear it, does it make a noise?". If no one bothers to hear you, or read what you have to say, are you really saying anything? Is the point that you so desperately wish to make, really being made? When the ignorance of people over comes them and radiates onto others, are the things you say important?

I would lay in bed, restlessly thinking about this theory, losing night of sleep, turning into a zombie throughout the day; all because I wanted to be heard. I WANT to be heard. I want to be acknowledged. I want people to know who I am and what I m about.

The problem with wanted to be heard is that if no one respects you, you wont be heard. Your ideas and opinions won't be taken into consideration, and people WILL step on you. They will step on your beliefs.

Its the saddest thing to realize, but I am here to tell you all the truth, whether you want to listen to me, or not, whether you respect me or not. Here is the truth: Your opinion matters. You have the right to be respected, no matter what you have done in your past.

People won't respect those who don't speak up, and even if you do, they still might not respect you just because of ignorance. But at the end of the day, you can't change people's opinions. They will judge you on the simplest things. They will judge you because of your clothes, opinions, actions, grades and or for no reason at all. It doesn't matter how much you have done in your lifetime. Even if you have gone across the world and saved children from hunger, people will pick you apart piece by piece and leave you thinking that you are not worthy of anything. They are wrong.

As humans we all have feeling, and we ALL have flaws, no matter how flawless you think you are. Also, as humans, we have great accomplishments and things to be proud of, no matter how many flaw you think you have. At the end of the day, we have the free will given to us by God to decide what we are worth. We are all worth more than allowing people to dictate to us what we are worth. Stand up for yourself.

Standing up for yourself is the single most important thing to do. You need to be able to defend your opinions and your views. This does NOT mean having to prove yourself to anyone, nor does it mean having to explain yourself to anyone. No one should matter that much, and if they do, you won't have to prove yourself, or explain yourself. Standing up for yourself is MAKING your voice heard, it's about making yourself known. In the end, if they STILL don't respect you, and if they treat you the same, you have the satisfaction of knowing that they are ignorant.

So, here is me standing up for myself. Here is the things that I couldn't tell all you haters in person because of certain things/people I still respect:

I AM A HUMAN BEING! I have feelings. My heart pumps blood runs through my veins. I have parents, siblings, friends, and school work JUST LIKE YOU! You have no right to judge me, you have no places in this world to have said a single negative word about me. The negativity that has sued out of your mouth and onto the ears of your comrades about me is totally wrong. YOu think that you have the authority to judge me based upon my actions of last semester? You believe that you have the authority to think less of me? YOU'RE WRONG! You think that you're the best because you're apart of something now?! Well guess what? I am apart of something bigger, and much more worth while. I am apart of something that means a lot to others. I am an individual who believes in something more than this, more than the partying and the drinking and social life. I am an individual who believes in something more than YOU! I have been through more than you will EVER believe, and it WASN'T by choice, it was by fate. I am stronger than you think, and smarter than you know. So before you decide to past judgement on someone you don't know, and never gotten the chance to know, you should think twice. I know why I made the decision I did. I know the type of person I am, and the type of person I want to be. I have nothing to prove to you. I have nothing to explain to you. I didn't leave because of you. I didn't run away from the issue. I left because I know what I am worth, and I refuse to subject myself to he malice treatment you dish out. You don't know me, and you will never know me.

I hope that this helps someone out there. I realized that no matter what others think about you, if you need or feel like something deserves to be said, say it, no matter who you believe is listening. I guarantee you that someone will listen to you. Someone will know what you're feeling. It will matter to someone.

Don't be afraid to stand up and shout it out.

Best

Sometimes I feel like I get lost within my own thought. Even when things are going okay, I still feel like there is something to be thought about, something to fix, something to be better. I don't think that I will ever be satisfied with how things are. Even if things are perfect, or as close to perfect as it can be, I think that something is going to mess things up; then I end up messing things up and making things really bad. I can't help it, I guess. I mean, I wish I wouldn't do that to myself but I just do. It is part of my nature I suppose.

After my first year of college, after my first year of being away from home, I feel like everything has changed. I feel like there has been so much in ME that has changed. I know that I didn't change for the worse, I know that for a fact but at the same time, why are people acting so... shady? I guess that is the word that I can use. I guess people will always have something to say.

Sometimes I feel like the loneliest person in the world. Even if I am with friends... or "friends" I feel so alone and blank. That's when the staring into space thing happens. Eh, I guess that could happen to the best of us.

say somthing

what i want to say to some people, i don't think i could ever say. i would simply feel like i have stooped down to their level.

its amazing to see how personalities shine through no matter how a person appears to be. im just tired of it all.

Young, never?

Everyone so possessed with growing up when their youth, and going back when their old?

People aren't living in the essence of youth anymore; they are too busy tarnishing their bodies with the alcohol and smoke, still being in high school. Yes, we all like our fun, but there is a time and place for everything. There is always a time for experiences and great "fun". Has being older and living "that life" consumed all of our youth? So one is able to question "How much can you drink in an hour?" but the real question should be "where has the innocence gone?". Youth passes us by faster than the melting of snow in spring. Once that snow is gone, we simply wish for it back in the heat of the summer sun.

Name Calling

"Just because you call someone else stupid, does NOT make you any smarter. Just because you call someone fat does NOT make you any skinnier. Just because you call someone ugly, does NOT make you any prettier."
Rules to live by, my friends. :)

Lost Connection

Despite my last, highly optimistic post, I feel that I am going back to my normal, pessimistic self. Why? I wish I knew the answer to that question.

I am feeling very jealous of some people, I will be honest. I don't know if it's the fact that I am so far and disconnected to my family, or if it's the fact that efforts to reach out have been null, I just feel so disconnected. I have changed, something that I am open and willing to admit, something I have admitted in previous posts, and some piece back home just don't fit anymore. I hate to say it, but talking to some people back home really makes me realize how much things are different and just how much things have changed. I have become use to the fact that I needed to let some people in my life go, but at the same time, I sit here and think that I couldn't be more alone.

Family is just starting to be there, and it's so inconsistent. That's the main source of my jealousy towards some people: the fact that they have such an amazingly supportive family and great siblings and such. I'm really not saying that mine are horrid, but at the same time, I can't say their amazing either. I could never even tell them this because of their personalities and how they would jump down my throat and tear me to shreds with their words.

What am I looking for exactly? I don't know. I guess I am looking for some sort of connection on a higher level. A connection within family, more than anything. Why is that the hardest thing to find right now? Why has that always been the hardest thing to find. Everyone is born into a family, right?

Take Time

Things aren't so confusing anymore. I have been through so much in this one semester, that it's remarkable for me. I sense this deep change within my soul that has me, finally, content with where I am.

I have realized that I don't need all of these fillers in my life to make it "complete". I don't need need to have a large group of people, surrounding me at all times in order to be happy. I don't need to have big breasts, and a tiny waste in order to be beautiful. I don't need all of these superficial and distracting things to be the best person I can be.

Since i realized this, I have been a much happier and healthier person.

Annoyed

Okay, so I am aggravated to the extreme at the moment due to many different things.

1. The immaturity that I have encountered is OUTSTANDING. The plain fact that some people really don't know how to act or how to handle certain situations really ticks me off. If we are all a certain age, and with that age, we have certain ways to act, act that way. Plain and simple. There is some serious room for improvement.

2. Some people have, and always will be jerks. That's something that I have come accustom to for a very long time. The one thing that gets me upset about are those people who complain about the jerks, then they turn into jerks. Don't complain about people being bad friends, and complain about people who has done you wrong when you turn into that same type of "friend".

These are a couple of things that are just annoying me at the moment.

Chaos

Difficulties and struggle have been apart of everyday life for a while now. Looking back into the ancient times, I am sure that things then were just as difficult as things are now. I can't help but to wonder though, why certain people (appear) to have it easier. Is it the fact that some people are simply blessed with an easy way out? Is it that some people hold more strengths in certain areas than others? Or is it simply due to the fact of "that's how God intended it to be." ? I don't know why, but I always feel like things are extremely difficult for me.

I know that I am not the only one in the world with problems, shoot there are people out there with chronic diseases, and such, but at the same time, I can't help but to feel as if my problems are substantial.

Being a human being, I feel that my problems are my own problems. I hurt for irrational things, I make irrational decisions, and I say things that I don't really mean all the time; but that is a part of being in the human race.

"I don't want to make any mistakes" "Well, you're in the wrong species."

I feel like everything has happened at the right, and wrong time for me. Things in one aspect of my life are going to smoothly and swiftly, just the way I hoped and prayed for them to be. On the contrary, other things in my life always seem to be falling apart. The things that seem to be falling apart are also the things that affect me the most in my personal life; those are the things that trigger my emotions. For once, I would LOVE for things to be going smooth and problem free. That's life though, like I have always said.


Thinking about the past has stopped for the most part. To be honest, I don't know if it has stopped, or if i just stopped showing it. Sometimes I feel cold and detached from everything in my life. Things and people seem so far away, and I am ust trying to stay afloat in this raging rapping called my life.

I think about the people whom I have lost contact with so quickly. How can you say you feel as if someone is your closest friend, then dead them like he/she was your worst enemy? I wish I knew how some people think; I wish I knew the logic behind some actions, rather than sitting here and asking myself "what the hell did you do Jennifer-Lee?!"

I find myself questioning a lot also. I guess its the past flicking at my thoughts, wondering why some things happened, how those things could have been avoided, and what things would be like now if some things were done differently.

I can't help but to feel so envious of those people who have had great birthdays. It is so petty, and ridiculous but the fact is that I have NEVER had an amazing birthday. I have NEVER had a birthday where everything was good, and fine, something always went wrong. Whether it be that someone was just a total and complete jerk, or someone just didn't care, or both. Something has always ruined my birthdays. I wish that were different.

I wish a lot of things were different in my life, but the fact is that nothing can change, and that sucks, point blank.

I rambled a lot in this entry, but its my blog.

Frenzy

I don't really know what seems to be on my mind these days. I feel like there is a whole jumble of things that I am doing, half of the time I question my own actions. I just keep thinking that things are going to go down hill from this moment on. Things seem to be spinning out of control, in a frenzy of mayhem and I simply can't stop any of it.

I want things to go as I wish, for once: smoothly. I wish for things to become reality for me, instead of silly wishful thinking, but I know that, that is something almost impossible. The slight chance of those things occurring leaves me with some hope, and faith in myself, faith I otherwise don't have at all.

I hate the fact that I feel as if my shyness holds me back from a lot of things. I don't know how, or when I developed this amount of intense timidness, but the fact remains that it's there and that I hate it, almost as much as I hate this GAD situation. I just wish that it could all go away.

Touching on yesterdays topic, I hate when people make these false assumptions about me and my decisions. I make these choices on my own, with due research and questioning. I don't do things based upon what other people say, or do. When I make a commitment to something, I intend to carry it out to the depth of my strength and ability. I have, and always will be, the type of person who does EVERYTHING from the heart, with no questions asked and those things are done for my best interests. If I want to do something, don't question me as to why, you will get no where, so for those who keep badgering me about my choices and decisions, just stop.

I try to be supportive, about everything. Heck, I stayed in the rain, at the TOP of a mountain with my best friend yesterday, helping him get down the mountain, lol. Maybe I care too much about certain things or people, well, cared* would be the more proper use of tense. I just simply got tired of people walking on me, and taking advantage. I got tired of people always thinking about themselves. I guess it's a part of life, and growing up; although some people just haven't grown up just yet.

I wish that I could let go of certain things that have happened in the past. I wish that I could be able to let everything go, and just forget it all. It hurts me every single day. As much as I try to hide it all, I can't seem to let it all be tucked away in the darkness of my mind. I hate that. I wish I didn't think about the past so much, and I wish that I was able to just simply let everything go. I don't want to think about these things anymore.

My life just started, and I have big things coming my way. These things are exciting and riveting; I am ready to take all of it head on and give my best.

Back to Buffalo in 6 days.

Gone, Almost

So many things have happened in the past week, too much to go over in detail, so here is a brief overview.

Tuesday I went ice skating with Emanuel, Caise and Kwame. It was fun.
Wednesday I just worked and came home.
Thursday I went to dinner with Emanuel at a Japanese restaurant, then went to cold stone <3. After all of that, he and I came back to my house, and watched a movie.
Friday I went to see Book of Eli wit Emanuel, Ashley and their friend Sorya. That movie was truly amazing.
Saturday I went out with some girls from Buff State which was a lot of fun. I spent the rest of the night with Emanuel, it was the last time I am going to see him until the summer most likely.
Today I went snowboarding with my dad, brother, and best friend. I am so beat right now, it's ridiculous.

It breaks my heart that I am not going to be able to see my boyfriend for this whole semester, but it's just one of those things that happens in life. I don't think that people fully know what it is to NOT see the person they love for so long. The fact that distance is, to me, the worst enemy of love. The fact is that I already know what this semester has in store. The fact is that this is going to be very difficult, but I have to be prepared for it.

I am tired of people dictating to me or simply commenting on how I live. The fact is that those I chose to hang out with are the people that honestly have been there for me, with me, and have screwed me over, basically. I am really tired of people commenting on things that they honestly have no full knowledge on. I can honestly say that if half of the people whom say things about me, go through the things that I go through, they would not say a word about anything. But of course, that will not happen, and I honestly don't want it to happen to anyone. I am just so tired of people sitting on their high horse, and saying things about me. But, again, things aren't going to happen in the way and I just wish that people would stop being so judgmental about things, and start focusing on their own flaw.

Another thing that is bothering me greatly is making fun of other people, in ways that surpass the "line" so to speak. It's one thing to just joke around, but once you say things that are offensive and just wrong, there is a need to stop. Repetition of the same joke to simply hurt people, then to say that "it's just a joke", well, some jokes aren't funny, at all. It always gets to the point where people have to fight back, with the same words till people understand. Treat others how you would like to be treated. Treat others with respect, the respect that you would want from others.

One thing that I have learned is that people really shouldn't take for granted what they have.

I have a week left in NYC, and I can't help to say that I am pretty happy about it. The fact is that I have met some truly amazing people in Buffalo, and I really can't wait to see them all. I am going to miss some people here at home, especially my best friend.

"And i'll close my eyes and dream of you good night"

Challenge

I wish that this was easier, but the fact is that it is is, nor will it ever be. I am use to things being difficult and a challenge, but i never thought that this much emotion would be into play.

I can't tell you the future, but I call tell you that I am scared of the future. I am scared of the things that are unknown. I am scared of not being able to control what the out come will be. I am scared of losing everything.

I will always be waiting for things to get better, but I fear that this will all come to a stand still, and stay the way it is.

There are a million and three things on my mind at the moment, things that I have no control over. I have to take life as it comes, I guess and I have to accept things. This is going to be difficult.
_________

I never thought that distance and time would be my enemy; I never thought that I would loathe something this much in my entire life, yet here I am day in and day out with the same distraught feeling in my heart.

I never knew that something that makes me feel so alive, so wonderful, could make me feel this low as well.

Safe

I have never felt too safe in my life; I am not talking about the lack of security due to a dangerous environment (gun, drugs, ect.) I am talking about the ability to feel safe in your own skin (perhaps?). To be completely honest, I really don't know how to explain it, but I have never really felt safe at all.

I don't know why I have felt "unsafe", I guess that it is something that just happens to some people, maybe it's the whole GAD thing. I have been living in my home for most of my life, and to this very day, this very moment, I don't feel 100% safe, or content. It compels me as to why that is; I will sit here and think about it and ask myself. I have tried to make certain things in my room different or just sit in the living room and try to make myself see that there is nothing bad, but nothing has worked out.

Maybe it's not the environment, but more so the people in this home. There has always been this negative energy circulating my house due to arguments and fighting over the simplest of things. I mean, I don't remember having ONE simple week where everything was okay, where there were no huge disagreements with people yelling at each other so loudly, the whole neighborhood would be able to hear.

I just experienced 100% safety yesterday night; I felt as if, literally, nothing could touch me. I didn't have one single worry or care and for a brief moment in time, it was like GAD didn't even exist. This happened after a fairly tough discussion with Emanuel. The thing is that we always have these fights, fights that honestly are extremely trivial, but they are fights none the less. Yesterday seemed to be a little bit different, maybe it was just me. He hugged me, and simply embraced me for several minutes. No words were exchanged; the only thing that I heard was his gentle heart beat and the cars passing by. There was no movement but the slow and soft inhale, exhale of his chest. I felt my anxiety slowly slip away from me, and my shoulders gently drop. The feel of his warm skin soothed my racing mind, and the melody of his gentle heartbeat coaxed the bad thoughts away. This was the safest I have felt in my life. So to him, thank you <3 You're amazing and wonderful, and I love you a lot.

Battle

Permanent heartbreak: something in which i never thought to be possible. Disregarding my previous post, fighting seems to be engulfing me into it's flames; tearing at the core of my being, ripping me into thousands of small, useless pieces.

Fighting gives ones reasons to show their upmost passion, yes. However, fighting also tears the soul apart. Fighting can break the strongest man down, and turn him into a mere child; a simple helpless, vulnerable child, staring down upon the mess that has been thrown at his feet. No, I am not speaking of physical fighting, it's the verbal fighting that leaves the worse battle wounds. It's the verbal fighting that bring back the horrid memories in which are relinquished from the deeps of the back of one's mind, ripping open the old scars that were once sealed shut.

Words are like the venom of a snake; venom give you a burning sensation from the inside out, then slowly breaks down vital tissue, attacking like acid, until you are burned, permanently, from the inside. Word work just in that fashion. Slipping into your ear, marinating in your brain, traveling into your heart, and burning it, from the inside out.

The tone is the teeth to the words of venom, leaving that wound to be that much more painful. The teeth of tone can drag out into your flesh, leaving not a puncture wound, but a gash in the skin, allowing the venom to spread faster into the blood stream. There is, and forever will be a way to say things, and that's something that I strongly believe in.

For me, it's not what the fight is about, but more who the fight is with. Fighting with certain people leaves me at a tarnished physical state: no sleep, constant thoughts, and my ever more needed anxiety. It's the people that mean the most, that leave the worst damage.
__

I feel like I work 3 jobs. My actual job, home, and one that shall remain unnamed. The latter two are jobs that leave me with no money, but the slim satisfaction, and slight happiness (when the time is of the essence). Catching a break is something that won't come my way. It's something that I have to be willing to settle for, and willing to accept, which for the most part i have.

I have to settle for the fact that I will always be the one, more affected by certain situations. While other may sleep easy, and at peace, I lay in my bed and stare at the ceiling, counting the days that have past me by where I feel permanently heartbroken.

1 Corinthians 13

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

Love, possibly the most powerful feeling capable of any creature. It branches out into euphoric sensations to the lowest form of misery any single person can endure. Love really has no limits on anything.

We fight for whats worth fighting for. We argue over things because we care. No fight is for nothing, because in a sense, when we fight, we are fighting for each other. I always believed that I would rather fight with the one that I love, every day, than have it all fine a peachy. When we fight for what we love, there is this fierce passion that flourishes within the heart, within the soul, for that one thing we love. No matter how badly things may become, I always believe that it's worth fighting for.

I seem to be rambling on tonight. Last night, and this whole day was a very long and extremely tiresome day for me. I spent a lot of the time fighting and arguing with someone that means a whole lot to me. It takes a lot out of me, personally; the constant feeling of things not being right, of things not being perfect. I don't want things to be perfect though. When things are perfect, there is no fire there; there is nothing to fight over. I'd rather fight with you every single day, than be "perfect" with someone else.

I apologize for the complete and utter random-ness which is this blog.

Wet Cement

So, I practically had a revelation. Although I know that this will most definitely be much easier to say than put into action it is something that is amazing, and something that should most definitely be done.

We all, well most of us, sit here and beat ourselves up about things that we wish we wouldn't have done, or about things that we should have done. We ALL have made mistakes in our past, and will most definitely make mistakes in our future; we are, after all, humans and errors are apart of our lives. The trick is to NOT beat ourselves up about it.

I sit here, day in and day out, wondering what it is that I did wrong. I always try to piece together the puzzle of my life and my past endeavors in which I have dealt with pain, but that is something that I need to stop doing. We all have skeletons in our closets but we all, also have, a bight and wonderful unpaved path in front of us. There is never any set trail we have to follow. No one can sit here, and dictate to us what is to be done of our lives, that is something to be dealt with on our own. So, yes, we all made mistakes, extremely regrettable ones, but we all have this empty path, a clean slate laying at out feet, waiting to be walked on. Now, that isn't to say that things aren't going to be difficult. Sometimes the cement in the pavement is still wet, and your foot isn't quite sturdy, but with time, it will all dry up, and it will be easy to walk again.

That is possibly the corniest thing that I have said thus far, yet it is my food for thought. I do understand that I am not the person to come up with this thought, but I felt as if I should share it, regardless.

Although I just said all of this, I know that I will go against my own word and so other wise, so you have all been warned about future blogs.

That's Life

Lost. That how I feel now. Lost. It's so simply put, yet so hard to get out of. I sit here and watch the time pass me by, and I simply wonder where it will all lead? All of the actions I have put out, the words that I have said, the things left unsaid, undone, and through all of that I just wonder, was it all right?

My heart pounds out of my chest on these night where I find myself tossing, and turning; laying wide awake, listening to my own thoughts (some irrational, I will admit). Why is it that I can sit here and beat myself up, so horribly, yet I get angry at those who do it to themselves? Why is it that I can't take my own advice, my own medicine, if you will? It like a form of self inflicted pain, allowing myself to accept things as they are helps me to cope with it. Allowing myself to believe in such things possibly allows me to be able to accept things for how they were, how they are, and how things will be.

It's sad to honestly say that trust has always been an issue, and will probably always be an issues. I wrote a whole blog on the simple fact of those people who have let me down, so I suppose that after all of that, trust MUST be an issue for one like myself. Although I am fully aware of the fact that I do not stand alone in the "people that have been let down" file, it is a very lonely, and empty place to be. It shall be another obstacle of mine to get over.

Yes, I do wish I was different (yet another issue that I wrote a whole blog about). I wish that I was able to filter things in a more positive way, although I know and understand that won't happen. I wish that I was nicer, I mean, I told 2 people something today, that money bet I could have said in a much kinder matter, but I didn't. I feel as though I am selfish. I always say that I try to be there and what not, but I am a really selfish person, and that needs to stop, now. Those things are amongst the many things that I would love to change about myself, who I am. If I was so amazing, then things would be a lot different, I guarantee that much. But, like everyone else says, this is a New Year; I can change, get a fresh start!(?) Sad part is that I always say that I am going to change, but I never do... That in itself should change

Life will always be something that is difficult. It will never be easy, for anyone. I usually always say "that's life" in my blogs because it is true. That's life, it's the way it works, and the way that it will always work.

2010

This is going to be short, but I feel the need to post this.

This holiday season seriously had to be the best I have ever experienced. Between today, and Christmas, I have to say that I feel like the luckiest person in the world. It's hard to explain, but coming from my shoes, and perspective, this holiday season was, simply put, spectacular.

I spent this New Year's Eve with Emanuel and his family. It was so much fun. His family is so loving, and caring towards one another, it's amazing; it's something that one really doesn't see every day, especially in this era. I hope he knows how lucky, and blessed he truly is to have a family like that, especially his brothers and sister. The love that is shared between all of them, it's completely breath taking. They are all blessed to have each other. :)

I really have to thank Emanuel for this spectacular Holiday Season, he made it amazing for me. So, Thank you baby. I love you :)

Even though today was beyond words, I really did miss my family. I really do love them, a lot.

Anyways, this new year already started out amazingly, and I really hope that it continues to go that way. <3