Elements of Freedom

I don't really know what I want to speak about right now. There is a lot going on in my mind. A lot that I don't want to talk about..

I don't want to do anything that would jeopardize my relationship with someone, but I don't know if that would be shown to me?

I find song sometimes that really connect to how I feel: Broken by Lifehouse is one of those songs



On a lighter note: Alicia Keys is releasing her new album on December 15th. I really can't wait for it! These are two singles off her album: Elements of Freedom

Thanks

My thing is that you make sure that the ones you love feel loved and appreciated, no matter what. It's sad that some people lost sight in the small things that makes others smile. I don't understand how those things can just be forgotten..

3 months

I wrote this on Tuesday, while I was on the train... Just forgot to post it :


I have never been the type to have a high confidence in things. I tend not to want things to much, just for the fact that usually good things don't happen to me; if they do happen, then they usually end up breaking, or leaving.

I am trying to do things for me; I trying to do things that I want more than anything. Some things are going to be REALLY hard, but for once, I am really willing to take them on, and just do it. I know the type of person I am: very emotional, very attached to those who are close because I don't trust anyone, I am scared of things that I don't know, and I fear a challenge that may affect my everyday life. I am so scared of losing those people whom are close to me and I fear letting other people in. These are some of the things that I pray I can get over, soon. It's going to be hard, but I am going to put in 150% and more just to get it.

I am not mad or sad or anything right now, lol. I am just tired, really tired. Today I left buffalo for the first time since August. I am on my way home! I am really ... nervous for the outcome. I don't know how much people have changed, and I don't know how much I have changed. It's been exactly 3 months since I have been in my beloved New York City, living a life that I thought was untouched and a life that could never be changed. Spending time with the people whom I hold close to my heart, and now, I have to start all of it over. I have to become reacquainted to the people, and to the city, my city. I really do wonder how different it is going to be.

I am really happy about the real friends that I have back home/scattered other places, the new, amazing ones that I met at school, and the friendships and bonds that I haven't made just yet.

Anyways, I had the craziest night/morning! Jelly and I decided to pull an all nighter. We figured that since we both had a LONG ways home, we should just party it up all night! That lasted till about 6 am. I ended up falling asleep until 6:50 for my 7:18 train! My friend Omar ended up driving me, going about 90 on the high way! It was crazy. Thank God I made it to the train. I left Albany about 20 minutes ago, so I don't know how much longer this is going to take me. Lets just see.

"We'll run until we're strong enough to jump"

Inevitable

Sadly there are some things in life that we will not be able to avoid, but I seriously don't think that I can manage this one thing. I am always one to think; I always think about things that are going to happen months, or years from now. Once a thought is in my head, you'd best believe that it is going to STAY there. This one thing that I am thinking about is a major, MAJOR deal for me. I know that I am going to follow through with it, but I really do pray that there is a loop hole that I can some how fall through. I'm sorry but when it comes to certain things, I will NOT take it lightly. It's not a matter of being optimistic or anything like that. It about the hard facts. This is REAL. This is something that is going to happen. To top it off, I don't even know how long this is going to last! I am going into this blindly, knowing very little things. I don't know how I will be able to deal with this. This person probably thinks that I am over reacting. Whatever.

I am very...worried right now. Its making my anxiety sky rocket to points I haven't had in a really long time. Again, this is something that I am going to have to deal with.

I have a feeling that me and one person are going to become VERY close...I hope that I am doing the right thing. I hope that I will be able to last without crying every single day. (Highly unlikely)

This is what happens when you love someone more than anything in the world.

Nothing

Today I didn't wake up in a bad mood, but it wasn't great either. I feel the need to be alone today for some reason. Just don't feel like being around people. Always want to talk to one person, but I guess he is too busy.

I honestly don't know how I feel at the moment. What I am thinking about, I really would rather not say here. What I want to say, I can't say. Just a jumble of things. All I know is that right now I want to sleep.

I know that once I go home, things are going to be really different. I already feel it when I speak with some people. I guess that some things are bound to change. Replacement sometimes happens. I mean, I can't blame people for it, and I knew that it was going to happen before I left, so why do I feel so low? I am really just waiting for this whole "replacement" thing to go full circle and for everyone I love to just up and find something better. Its happened before, it will happen again. Life at its best.

I feel like I'm a ... disappointment? Like there is this level that I have to be at, but I will never seem to reach it. It just angers me. Sadly, everyone has a bar that I have to reach. I am simply skimming the surface.

The fact is I am happy with most of the things in my life. I love my parents, my few friends. I love my boyfriend. School is good. Just feel like...I throw so much out there, and it's invisible.

I am always complaining about the same thing -_-'

Whatever.

You always talk, but actions speak louder than words; your actions say nothing.

Question Existing

Stress sucks. Anxiety sucks even worse. Life moves on, right?

I hate that when I have a good couple days, I get hit with a crappy ass day. Like the day where EVERYTHING seems to go wrong. This is why I wait for these days, and prepare myself for them! Nothing always stays good, that's something that I have definitely learned. But, oh well, right?

I am thinking about transferring to a University. I like it here, but it doesn't offer what I need. I just really don't want to have to pay the huge sums of money. It's so expensive to get a good education, and it pisses me off! I don't mind working hard to get good grades to transfer, but I do mind having to pay 2 and a half times more than what I am paying now.

WHY IS EVERYTHING SO EXPENSIVE?! -__-

I really want this. It's not for the reasons that people will think. But for once I really want to do this, but I have a feeling, I am not going to be allowed to do it. Come to thinking about it, I don't even know if i will be able to do it at all.

There are so many people back home striving for me. Literally, riding on my every move. It's hard to do things with so many people going for me. Some more than other, and pushing me in negative ways. It just makes me think about things. Where I want to be. Who I want to be. What I want to do. Who I want to be with. Everyone wants a say. I know that I am going to do what I want to do, but at the same times, all of these people are in the back of my mind. I keep thinking "who am I going to let down next?"

All or Nothing At All

I feel like this week is going to be another really long week. I hate that. Emanuel came up to buffalo this weekend; he came thursday night, and went back to 'cuse this morning. It was a pretty decent weekend with him. A lot of ups and downs, but good none the less.

Today, was completely and totally uneventful. Besides waking up at 5:30 in the morning to take Emanuel to the train, I just came back and slept, went to class, slept again, ate, then slept one more time. I am still tired! It ridiculous. I am going to hit the gym in an hour, that should wake me up a little bit.

Sometimes I realize that I get really distant with certain things in my life. It because I don't want to sit here and think about the things that have been done, or the things that I have done. I realized this weekend, that when I do think about these things, I shut myself off. I lay there, alone, because I feel like I am alone.

I feel like I have mad a lot of progress with this weekend, but at the same times, I feel like I shouldn't be in this deep. All of these feelings and thoughts are popping into my head today, and it's like warning sign maybe? Maybe it's just me being the paranoid freak that I am. Maybe I should take a step back and allow things to soak in. I don't want to do things if they aren't shown to me... I don't know if that makes much sense, but it makes sense to me. It's like, I want to take steps after you've taken leaps...I sound so freaking selfish right now, and that really does kill me, but what can I do?

I want to give it my all, but what if my all isn't good enough, again?

Stars Hold Our Destiny

I hate wednesdays. I hate Monday-Wednesdays! Lol, those are the days that annoy me the most, just for the plain fact that it's the start of the week. Thankfully, today I didn't have any classes. I slept in till 11:30 :) It was amazing. I just spent the day cleaning and doing laundry. I think that I have the cleanest dorm on the whole campus. Yay to my new compulsive habits.

I have one week and 6 days till I return to my beloved city! I love it up here, but there is really NOTHING like NYC.

I hate the fact that thoughts happen to always get the best of me. It bothers me that I can sit here, and let my mind marinate in the past. I hate that I allow these "demons" to ravish and tear apart the good things that I have. There is really no way of me getting away from these things in my life. Its just simply something that I have to live with. Just have to take one day at a time.

I am not going to talk anything about change today, it's getting redundant. I just have this huge loss of faith in me. I want to believe in some people, but the fact is that the amount of "let downs" that have been thrown my way is ridiculous! It's not the loss on faith in one person either. I have loss faith in a a few people and its sad to admit. I know that my faith MAY be regained in some people, but with others, I am really not so sure. The fact remains that the amount of times where I have had things thrown in my face, and with the amount of "let down", it really is hard to have faith in those whom you once held up, so high. This is not saying that I want those people to go back to who they use to be; I know for a fact that change is a necessary part of life. Yet, I can't help but to imagine if they will ever be able to bounce back.

I wonder what would happen if things were to have happened differently. Maybe if the tables were turned or if certain thing simply played out in a different way. I know that things always happen for a reason, yet I do believe that we have FULL control over what could happen. That's a paradox in itself. I know that one cannot believe in the ability to have free will, and the ability to leave things up to fate. Yet I believe that we can have both. Certain things we are able to chose. We can chose to do something, and know the possible outcomes, yet fate can step in and deal us a sweet card or a sour one. Some things are just simply and inevitably meant to be. There is no real controlling that aspect of our lives, BUT! there are something that we are able to control. Self control. Whether you want to eat that cake or not. It may be good now, but it could leave you with a really bad after taste. We all have the ability to make conscious decisions in our day to day lives. We all know why we make these decisions and we all must suffer in the end. Fate will give us our ultimate ending.

Lately I have been feeling down(no duh) on myself. I don't think that I will be able to make it out in the real world of Journalism. I honestly just don't think that I am good enough for it. I think that I am going to be picked out and eaten alive :( It's really sad how low I think of myself. I need an ego boost. I need an intervention. I need to freaking have faith in myself! I guess that with all of the people in my life letting me down, it has made me think that I'm not good enough. That on top of my already extremely low self esteem. It just hurts that it's always the people that mean the most to you. That's life though. Ain't nothing more, ain't nothing less.

" It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves. "
-- William Shakespeare

Vent

I don't feel angry, I just feel blah. I need to vent.

No matter how hard i study, I still can't get over a freaking 80 in this one class of mine. I get all of the material. I understand everything that there is to get. I study for 3 days. I go, take the test, leave feeling confident, then BAM I get a 77, and all this fucking hard work goes down the drain. I am so fed up with trying hard and busting ass in EVERY aspect of my life and getting NOTHING in return. It's so tiring and freaking repetitive! I can't take it much more.

Okay, so I know for a fact that I am not going to "quit" school, but I am so tired of it. I am so stressed out now, and at the end of this week, another exam. And next week? Another exam. It seems as though no matter how hard I try, I am not going to get anywhere.

Why is it like that for every part of my life ?! Just I try and try and try, then when I get things thrown in my face, I keep trying! Where the hell did all of this diligence in me come from?! Why can't I just learn from these things.

I hate to be "Debbie Downer" lately, but it just seems like this sort of life style for me is never ending. Yes, sure, I get these moments of happiness, as does everyone else, but for me, it seems like within seconds its torn down to shreds and I am back where I began. It's just these constants ups and downs are giving me whiplash and I am tired :(

I really do just want to sleep for a REALLY long time and just get away from it all, just get away from everything.

So I am done with my rant of how I am really upset about things. It's not that I hate my life, I really don't. I do think that I am blessed in ways many people aren't,yet it just seems to be so mundane. The constant let downs and things that I experience is getting repetitive. I have many things to be thankful for in my life. The good family and few good friends that I have, it's all wonderful. But there are a lot of things right now, that I wish were changed.

All three of my classes finished early today. I am sitting in my dorm room alone in the peace and quiet. It's nice. I like to get this time and just reflect upon things that are going on in my life.

Note to self: Always remember the big picture. Thing are bad sometimes. Things get really difficult and sometimes it seems as if the rain won't ever go away. I mean there are days upon days that pass by and the feeling of pressure and sadden overcome everything around you, but things do get better. There is always that "light" at the end of the tunnel. There is always the silver lining. Sometimes, we can't see it. Sometimes if we do see it, it seems so far away. At the end of the day we have to try to think about the good things that have happened.

Thats so much easier said than done.

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts,
there can be no more hurt, only more love."
~Mother Teresa

Lions, Tigers, and Bears

"The best part of me I gave you and it was sacrificed..."

Lost? Maybe. I know what it is that I want, but my unwillingness to let go of things that have happened in the past is not allowing me to be free. I can't be free from my own thoughts, which is the worst feeling in the world. I am happy, when I look at the larger picture, yet I can't help but feel broken and damaged inside. I can't help but feel lonely and cold. I could be in the largest group of people, and still feel like I am the only one there. These smiling faces pass me by all the time, and I can't smile back. I just have this one residing thought in my mind, and it kills me. I know that there isn't much that I can do about it. I have to keep my head up and hope for the best in things.

School has been repetitive lately. Exam after exam, it's really non stop. That's college life though, nothing can be done to chnage that. I really can't wait for next term though. I hope that things will be a lot easier, in every aspect of my life.

My obsession with change hasn't really gone away. I just sit here, and I think about things and how they use to be. I always remind myself that things have to change at one point or another. Things cannot, and will not stay the same forever; that goes for good things and bad things. The rain never stays, the sun does shine, eventually. It's up to you (and your loved one..?) to gather up strength to get through the storm. It take strength and courage to believe things are going to be alright. One day, you'll wake up and see the sun, shining brightly upon the ground that was once wet, and cold. You'll be able to feel the warm rays touch your face and warm your heart. Thats the silver lining that everyone talks about.

I wonder when my silver lining will come.. ? Will it ever come? I feel as if I have been destined to live my life in the cold, dark realms of let downs, and sadness; both things reside in my mind, in the thoughts that I have created.

I can't help but to blame myself for these happenings. I can't help but to think that its all my fault, but why? Some things will never be known.

I know that I will be happy again. There are days now where I am simply elated. Those are the days where the memories of pain don't surface.

"I'm not scared of lions, tigers, and bears, but I'm scared of loving you.."

Fighting

I wish that I can change how i feel about certain things, and I really wish that I didn't think the way that I do. It sucks, so badly. I know that this is something that I have to live with, but at the same time, I wish it was different.

These past 2 weeks have been the hardest and more stressful 2 weeks I've experienced. My heart yearns for something that isn't fully mine, and I wish that I could change that.

I really have this obsession with change, and it's getting so ridiculous. I am getting angry with myself. I've been angry with myself for so long. Imperfects are really driving me crazy, and I wish that I could be that picture perfect image. I wish that when I looked in the mirror, things were flawless, that way, maybe some things wouldn't have happened. But there is no going back in time. There is no changing things that happened in the past.

I just feel like... everything that I have done, or tried to do has just gone to waste. Everything that I have tried to prove, all the love that I have shown, was just a waste. I try to make everything so easy and perfect. I try to do everything in my power to smooth the road, and hard work never comes to an end. i still have to fight for everything. I have to fight till the very end.

I am just so blank.

I hate arguing. I hate fighting. It's so painful. The thoughts that I have are so painful. I can't sleep anymore. I dream about it. When I am awake, I think about it. It's never ending. This is why I have to fight and try 30x harder than before, just so I can keep up with everything.. everyone else.

I wish I could pour out everything, but I can't.

Randomness

"I cry at night 'cause my baby's too far to be by my side
To wipe away these tears of mine so I hold my pillow tight
To imagine you I'll stretch your hand looking for mine
'Cause I'm lost in this dream, I need you to hold me"

I am sitting in class right this moment. I am tired and hungry, and bored!

So many things have been happening with in the past couple of days, I don't know how I am going to be able to keep up with it all.

Everything was a blur, simple blur. Words that were exchanged weren't absorbed.

I honestly just want some change here.

I don't get how things can be so difficult! I understand that life isn't easy. That's a phrase that I use everyday, but I don't know why it hurts so much.

I don't really understand why certain things are done. Concious minds will tell you right from wrong. It will determine the reprocussions to your actions. Why don't we listen?

There is so much on my mind, and I don't even know where to begin.

I don't know why I don't sleep anymore. I always wake up, abruptly, around 5, or 6. I don't know what it is.

Recover

Ugh, so I have spent the whole day in my dorm, recovering from more than a great night out.

Friday night, I stayed in; there was not much for me to do. I got the H1N1 vaccine with Ash on Thursday, crazy shot! I felt under the weather Friday, so I guess it wasn't that bad that I didn't go out. I stayed up till about 5 though, for no apparent reason. I just sat back and chilled with Nalley. It was fun none the less.

Saturday was a crazy packed day! I went to the Stroll Show out in UB. A bunch of Fraternities and Sororities Strolled. It was a really eye opening experience for me. .
After the Stroll Show, which was totally amazing, we headed back to Buff State and got ready for the Martini Bar/Cecilia's. It was the official after party for the Stroll Show. It was crazy! A lot of dancing. Literally non-stop dancing. From hip-hop to meringue. It was a really great time. I ended up losing my earring though which upsets me a lot. Now I have no earrings :(

Right now, I don't know how I feel. I woke up not in a bad mood, but it wasn't a good mood either. There are so many things that I feel right now. I don't feel like I am ever going to be good enough for you. I sit through so many things and I just keep thinking these same things. I put all these scenarios together. It hurts. Everyday. But it's something that I have to deal with everyday. I don't want to give up, but how much strength do i have left?