Vent

I don't feel angry, I just feel blah. I need to vent.

No matter how hard i study, I still can't get over a freaking 80 in this one class of mine. I get all of the material. I understand everything that there is to get. I study for 3 days. I go, take the test, leave feeling confident, then BAM I get a 77, and all this fucking hard work goes down the drain. I am so fed up with trying hard and busting ass in EVERY aspect of my life and getting NOTHING in return. It's so tiring and freaking repetitive! I can't take it much more.

Okay, so I know for a fact that I am not going to "quit" school, but I am so tired of it. I am so stressed out now, and at the end of this week, another exam. And next week? Another exam. It seems as though no matter how hard I try, I am not going to get anywhere.

Why is it like that for every part of my life ?! Just I try and try and try, then when I get things thrown in my face, I keep trying! Where the hell did all of this diligence in me come from?! Why can't I just learn from these things.

I hate to be "Debbie Downer" lately, but it just seems like this sort of life style for me is never ending. Yes, sure, I get these moments of happiness, as does everyone else, but for me, it seems like within seconds its torn down to shreds and I am back where I began. It's just these constants ups and downs are giving me whiplash and I am tired :(

I really do just want to sleep for a REALLY long time and just get away from it all, just get away from everything.

So I am done with my rant of how I am really upset about things. It's not that I hate my life, I really don't. I do think that I am blessed in ways many people aren't,yet it just seems to be so mundane. The constant let downs and things that I experience is getting repetitive. I have many things to be thankful for in my life. The good family and few good friends that I have, it's all wonderful. But there are a lot of things right now, that I wish were changed.

All three of my classes finished early today. I am sitting in my dorm room alone in the peace and quiet. It's nice. I like to get this time and just reflect upon things that are going on in my life.

Note to self: Always remember the big picture. Thing are bad sometimes. Things get really difficult and sometimes it seems as if the rain won't ever go away. I mean there are days upon days that pass by and the feeling of pressure and sadden overcome everything around you, but things do get better. There is always that "light" at the end of the tunnel. There is always the silver lining. Sometimes, we can't see it. Sometimes if we do see it, it seems so far away. At the end of the day we have to try to think about the good things that have happened.

Thats so much easier said than done.

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts,
there can be no more hurt, only more love."
~Mother Teresa