Stars Hold Our Destiny

I hate wednesdays. I hate Monday-Wednesdays! Lol, those are the days that annoy me the most, just for the plain fact that it's the start of the week. Thankfully, today I didn't have any classes. I slept in till 11:30 :) It was amazing. I just spent the day cleaning and doing laundry. I think that I have the cleanest dorm on the whole campus. Yay to my new compulsive habits.

I have one week and 6 days till I return to my beloved city! I love it up here, but there is really NOTHING like NYC.

I hate the fact that thoughts happen to always get the best of me. It bothers me that I can sit here, and let my mind marinate in the past. I hate that I allow these "demons" to ravish and tear apart the good things that I have. There is really no way of me getting away from these things in my life. Its just simply something that I have to live with. Just have to take one day at a time.

I am not going to talk anything about change today, it's getting redundant. I just have this huge loss of faith in me. I want to believe in some people, but the fact is that the amount of "let downs" that have been thrown my way is ridiculous! It's not the loss on faith in one person either. I have loss faith in a a few people and its sad to admit. I know that my faith MAY be regained in some people, but with others, I am really not so sure. The fact remains that the amount of times where I have had things thrown in my face, and with the amount of "let down", it really is hard to have faith in those whom you once held up, so high. This is not saying that I want those people to go back to who they use to be; I know for a fact that change is a necessary part of life. Yet, I can't help but to imagine if they will ever be able to bounce back.

I wonder what would happen if things were to have happened differently. Maybe if the tables were turned or if certain thing simply played out in a different way. I know that things always happen for a reason, yet I do believe that we have FULL control over what could happen. That's a paradox in itself. I know that one cannot believe in the ability to have free will, and the ability to leave things up to fate. Yet I believe that we can have both. Certain things we are able to chose. We can chose to do something, and know the possible outcomes, yet fate can step in and deal us a sweet card or a sour one. Some things are just simply and inevitably meant to be. There is no real controlling that aspect of our lives, BUT! there are something that we are able to control. Self control. Whether you want to eat that cake or not. It may be good now, but it could leave you with a really bad after taste. We all have the ability to make conscious decisions in our day to day lives. We all know why we make these decisions and we all must suffer in the end. Fate will give us our ultimate ending.

Lately I have been feeling down(no duh) on myself. I don't think that I will be able to make it out in the real world of Journalism. I honestly just don't think that I am good enough for it. I think that I am going to be picked out and eaten alive :( It's really sad how low I think of myself. I need an ego boost. I need an intervention. I need to freaking have faith in myself! I guess that with all of the people in my life letting me down, it has made me think that I'm not good enough. That on top of my already extremely low self esteem. It just hurts that it's always the people that mean the most to you. That's life though. Ain't nothing more, ain't nothing less.

" It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves. "
-- William Shakespeare