Rounding out the Year..

Wow, 2009 is pretty much gone, and we are entering 2010. Everyone always says they are going to start the new year off right, and that change is going to occur. Maybe for some people it will happen, or growing up will, but for everyone, I really wish the best.

2009 has proven to be on the the greatest years, and one of the worst years I have ever encountered. Through all of the endeavors and hardships there were many laughs and great memories. I have met so many amazing people this past year, and I have also let go of some people. I have been hurt in ways I never thought possible, and I have hurt some people in ways I never intended to.

I graduated from, possibly, the GREATEST high school in the universe, Robert F. Kennedy. Leaving that school, spending 4 years in that amazing school changed my life. It literally molded me into the the person that I am today. With in that school, I have met some amazing people; friends that are going to be there for the rest of my life. The teachers there inspired me to try to be extraordinary to the best of my abilities. They gave me the tools and the bravery to go away to college.

I entered into my first semester of college at Buffalo State, and it was a good choice. Although it is not the greatest school in the world, but there are many people there whom are amazing. Again, I had to opportunity to meet people that will remain in my life for the long run.

There have been many different problems and I have had many hardships this year. I learned a lot about other people, and a lot about myself. I am capable of more things that I thought possible.

This year, I found out what true love really is, and I found out what it is to have your heart ripped out. Although Emanuel and I have been through more than imaginable, I am elated to say that he and I are together and trying. I love him, and that's not going to go away, no matter what year it is.

I am glad to say that some people in my life are back in my life. I am happy to know that my fall outs with some people are fixed and what not. It is amazing to see how some friendships never fail, and in the end, we are all still there for each other.

It's sad to say that I am not going to be there for some people in 2010 like I was in 2009. But that is something that will have to be dealt with, whether I want it or not.

2010 may be a great year, there is always that possibility, but I always believe that there is a way that we can change things, ourselves. There is always a way where we can make this year, and the years to come amazing ones.

I am going to start the new year off right, with an open mind, and an open heart.

Want

I hate this feeling. Like there is no control over anything in this world. We all hurt, that nothing new, but to me I will never understand why some hurt more than others. I guess that is something to be left alone, never to be understood. I wish I could take it all and let it go. I am so frustrated with everything. I am so angry with the way things are going. I have to keep it all in, and release it all later. There is really no point in dwelling on what IS, and what shall remain.

I really want certain things in my life, and when I say that I want these things, I mean it. I want some things BAD! I'm pretty much going to do anything in my power to obtain these things. It's just 2 things. These two things really do mean a lot to me. I am always willing to fight, and I fight for some things more than others. I am going to fight for this till i have no more strength.

Disease

I am so tired of being the bigger person. I really wish I could simple not care anymore, but what good will that do, right? I just don't know anymore. I tried! I can honestly say that I tried. With that same thought, I don't think that effort is ever sent my way, but that's life. It is what it is.

I am honestly really glad for most of the people I have met up here. You really know who has your back when certain situations come about, and that's what it all comes down too. Not everyone in this world is going to be good to you, I have experienced that FIRST hand, but you always have to allow some openness to find people like some of the people I've met. It's a good thing for that.

I'm always going to be the type of person that is going to put up with a lot of things. Between family and other nonsense, I know that I am always going to be the one to endure a lot. I have become okay with it. I have honestly accepted it at this point. It is what it is, like I said.

I have really come to realize that certain things are going to haunt me for a while. I guess I might have brought that upon myself with the past. Karma is a bitch? It's not really a question, but it's more of a fact. Karma is a bitch, but I wish I can know what I have done. I guess that's something to be left up in the air...

I have loved one more than anything in this world. I swear, I would really give up a lot for this kid. I would give up so much, it's pretty crazy. But, like everything else in my world, things never really work out for me. I don't know. I don't think that I have done anything wrong... but then again, knowing me, I probably did something to mess everything up. I guess I can't blame those who hurt me. More chances for me to get hurt, stomped on, and forgotten will be given out. Not a problem.

"I thought love would be my cure- But now it's my disease." True Story.

Distance and Time

Being far away hurts. I don't like sleeping alone anymore. I just simply don't like the old, empty feeling. It feels like a hunger, but nothing I eat can fill the void. Sigh..I need to stop being so down.

Its snowing a lot outside. I can barely see what's in front of me, and it's brick as hell.

I really don't know what I want to write about, but I just feel like writing. I had this little epiphany last night, but it wasn't a very good one. I just realized how I really am at the moment and it sucks so badly. I am so jealous of certain people and it's annoying me. It's not that "hater" jealousy, nor is it that I don't want them to have what I am jealous of, but its just jealousy. I'm happy for whom ever is happy. As for me, with certain things, I lack in the happiness area.

I'm not really complaining about it... Okay, so I am, but I just get so angry with it. I want things to be different, but I know that they can't be, not for a really long time. I guess that I am okay with that. I guess that I am going to have to deal with it for the time being (which will probably be for the next couple years).

Yesterday was a really good day I must say. I hung out with pretty much everyone. Traveled over to UB as well. It was a lot of fun. Once I got back though, things got a little rough. I went to the Library with Liz for like 4 hours. Damn finals -_- Once I got back from the library around 12:30, I skyped with E$ for a while. We usually do this every night and just fall asleep with the video on. During the night, the video usually just disconnects itself, but this morning I woke up to him there. It was, by far, one of the best morning I've had in a really long time. Despite the way that I am feeling at the current moment, I loved the fact that I woke up to him, but I also hated it at the same time. It's like a tease. "You can look, but can't touch" That just made me really upset after.

School is going smoothly. I am finally done with my first semester of classes, which I am very happy about. I have a couple test coming up, but I am really not stressing to hard about it to be honest. I just want to go home and relax.

Family is going okay too. I really can't complain because I'm not home, and that's something that won't really change.

Friends, I realize come and go, but that's life. Those who are meant to be in your life, will be. Point Blank. I've meant some really, really good people along the way though. Some back home, some here, and some spread around.

Love is something thing that is amazing, and I think that what I have is beautiful, as Liz calls it. But it is in no way shape or form easy, at all. It's painful. The fact is that we go through pain for the people that we love the most, and in the end it's all going to be okay. I know that I will endure all the pain and suffering in the world for someone I love.

I hate that nothing in my life has come easy. I feel like I have to put up a fight and a half to get what ever it is that I want, and then once I "have it" I still have to fight, all the time to keep it. It's a never ending cycle. But I'll be waiting.

"You are always on my mind; All I do is count the days."

Ordinary or Extraordinary

One of the most influential people in my life has always told us to ask ourselves: Would you rather be ordinary, or extraordinary? Today I was sitting in class and thinking, who draws the line to differentiate between the two? I mean, we can all sit here and try our best and try to live out the best life possible but does that make you extraordinary? Does living for others make your extraordinary? I was in such deep thought about it. I mean, we all try to lead these lives and try to make the best out of everything. But what happens when you feel that it all is going to waste? Like you try to lead this life, with all of these accomplishments and trying to give to others, and live life selflessly but it all goes unnoticed. It just makes me wonder: what is this all for? Is this really living extraordinary? Leading this life hurt then. But I'd rather live a life and be extraordinary that slink in the shadows of everyone else. (even if I feel like I am in the shadows anyway)

I really don't know how I am feeling today. I got about 2 hours of sleep today, and I am really tired. I doubt that I am going to get sleep tonight too. I don't understand why these things happen to me.

Alicia Keys' album is amazing. Right now, with each song she has captivated the way I feel or how I have felt. She is amazing.

Deadly Sin

The green little monster is really a bitch- pardon my french. I hate seeing the things that other people have that I want. Don't get me wrong, I am blessed in way some people aren't, and in way some people won't ever be. Yet at the same time, I feel like I have to fight 30x harder for the things that I want in life. Other people may just simply get it served to them on a platter. Others just take advantage of the things that are given to them. I feel like such a pain in the ass, all the time now. I really want certain things in my life, but those things I feel like I will never reach.

Why do people take advantage of what they have in front of them? When things are at it's peak, and everything is close to amazing, no one wants to appreciate. No one wants to appreciate what they have when they have it. Then when things get hard, when things hit the fan and everything gets terribly complicated, thats when "appreciation" is set in. It always seems to happen that when it's to difficult to show appreciation, thats when it's put in the hardest.

I'm not bitter or angry at anyone specifically. I am just extremely jealous of those who have what I want. Things are never easy for me, and this isn't going to be any easier.

Past Rewind

So today I took the time to go back into some of my older blogs, to try to get a feel of how things were back then. Jesus, times were rough. I pretty much lied about my "extreme happiness" from the end of April till about the start of July. Shakes my head at me and my own foolishness. I must say, I am a pretty good liar, at that. To be honest, I don't know why I do it to myself. I keep picking at a cut that it almost healed; I make it bleed again. I guess I don't want to forget; I really don't want to go back there. I don't think that I ever want to go back to that point in my life.

It's crazy how much one person can love someone else. It's like, I really do believe that love is the most powerful human emotion. It can make someone come up from the slums, or bring someone down from the highest mountains. Its not only love between a man and a woman, but I am talking about love in general. It's the craziest feeling in the world.

I'm not going to sit here and lie, again. I have loved someone so much.. More than I have love anyone else. Partially because he has loved me in ways I didn't think I could be loved. He really is an amazing person. Regardless of the things that he and I have been through, I love him. I have always loved him. I will always love him. Things are going to get more and more difficult as time passes by, but that is something that I am going to have to deal with. It's something that I am going to have to deal with, something that I know that I am going to have to put myself through. I know that I am going to be ... a little less than miserable for that specific time, but I suppose that it's something that I am going to have to go through. He is worth it, so I have to do this for him.

It's that time of year again. The time of year where everything outside is cold, and there are lights everywhere. Thanksgiving has passed and Christmas is right around the corner. I love this time of the year. I absolutely adore it! I love walking around in the City. Feeling the cold air, watching people around Manhattan go crazy looking for that perfect gift for the person they love. I don't know if it's just me, or if people also seem a lot nicer around this time. People are usually so mean, and cruel, but around this time, everyone is nicer.

I keep thinking about last year's winter. It was quite literally, the best winter I have ever had. I remember walking around the city with Emanuel and just being in love. I remember having everything in my life set perfectly. I remember friends being great, and family issues being at a minimum. I really wish that I could go back to that point in my life. That point where everything was simple and I was so happy, and that time I was genuinely happy. I don't know what happened. I don't know why everything went down the drain and gotten like this. I sit here and think, all the time, what I could have done to make everything better... I wish that I could have made it all better.. I wish that I could take everyone's pain. But I sadly can't do that, and lately, I've had a lot of pain all on my own.

I am really, REALLY scared of next semester.. I don't think that I could have ever been this scared of what might happen. The thought of change scares me. I think that I have done well with getting myself this far from where I was, but God damn it, I am so scared of what is going to happen :(

I feel like I have lost all of my ability to write as well. I feel like I lost all of my creativity. What happened to me?

Elements of Freedom

I don't really know what I want to speak about right now. There is a lot going on in my mind. A lot that I don't want to talk about..

I don't want to do anything that would jeopardize my relationship with someone, but I don't know if that would be shown to me?

I find song sometimes that really connect to how I feel: Broken by Lifehouse is one of those songs



On a lighter note: Alicia Keys is releasing her new album on December 15th. I really can't wait for it! These are two singles off her album: Elements of Freedom

Thanks

My thing is that you make sure that the ones you love feel loved and appreciated, no matter what. It's sad that some people lost sight in the small things that makes others smile. I don't understand how those things can just be forgotten..

3 months

I wrote this on Tuesday, while I was on the train... Just forgot to post it :


I have never been the type to have a high confidence in things. I tend not to want things to much, just for the fact that usually good things don't happen to me; if they do happen, then they usually end up breaking, or leaving.

I am trying to do things for me; I trying to do things that I want more than anything. Some things are going to be REALLY hard, but for once, I am really willing to take them on, and just do it. I know the type of person I am: very emotional, very attached to those who are close because I don't trust anyone, I am scared of things that I don't know, and I fear a challenge that may affect my everyday life. I am so scared of losing those people whom are close to me and I fear letting other people in. These are some of the things that I pray I can get over, soon. It's going to be hard, but I am going to put in 150% and more just to get it.

I am not mad or sad or anything right now, lol. I am just tired, really tired. Today I left buffalo for the first time since August. I am on my way home! I am really ... nervous for the outcome. I don't know how much people have changed, and I don't know how much I have changed. It's been exactly 3 months since I have been in my beloved New York City, living a life that I thought was untouched and a life that could never be changed. Spending time with the people whom I hold close to my heart, and now, I have to start all of it over. I have to become reacquainted to the people, and to the city, my city. I really do wonder how different it is going to be.

I am really happy about the real friends that I have back home/scattered other places, the new, amazing ones that I met at school, and the friendships and bonds that I haven't made just yet.

Anyways, I had the craziest night/morning! Jelly and I decided to pull an all nighter. We figured that since we both had a LONG ways home, we should just party it up all night! That lasted till about 6 am. I ended up falling asleep until 6:50 for my 7:18 train! My friend Omar ended up driving me, going about 90 on the high way! It was crazy. Thank God I made it to the train. I left Albany about 20 minutes ago, so I don't know how much longer this is going to take me. Lets just see.

"We'll run until we're strong enough to jump"

Inevitable

Sadly there are some things in life that we will not be able to avoid, but I seriously don't think that I can manage this one thing. I am always one to think; I always think about things that are going to happen months, or years from now. Once a thought is in my head, you'd best believe that it is going to STAY there. This one thing that I am thinking about is a major, MAJOR deal for me. I know that I am going to follow through with it, but I really do pray that there is a loop hole that I can some how fall through. I'm sorry but when it comes to certain things, I will NOT take it lightly. It's not a matter of being optimistic or anything like that. It about the hard facts. This is REAL. This is something that is going to happen. To top it off, I don't even know how long this is going to last! I am going into this blindly, knowing very little things. I don't know how I will be able to deal with this. This person probably thinks that I am over reacting. Whatever.

I am very...worried right now. Its making my anxiety sky rocket to points I haven't had in a really long time. Again, this is something that I am going to have to deal with.

I have a feeling that me and one person are going to become VERY close...I hope that I am doing the right thing. I hope that I will be able to last without crying every single day. (Highly unlikely)

This is what happens when you love someone more than anything in the world.

Nothing

Today I didn't wake up in a bad mood, but it wasn't great either. I feel the need to be alone today for some reason. Just don't feel like being around people. Always want to talk to one person, but I guess he is too busy.

I honestly don't know how I feel at the moment. What I am thinking about, I really would rather not say here. What I want to say, I can't say. Just a jumble of things. All I know is that right now I want to sleep.

I know that once I go home, things are going to be really different. I already feel it when I speak with some people. I guess that some things are bound to change. Replacement sometimes happens. I mean, I can't blame people for it, and I knew that it was going to happen before I left, so why do I feel so low? I am really just waiting for this whole "replacement" thing to go full circle and for everyone I love to just up and find something better. Its happened before, it will happen again. Life at its best.

I feel like I'm a ... disappointment? Like there is this level that I have to be at, but I will never seem to reach it. It just angers me. Sadly, everyone has a bar that I have to reach. I am simply skimming the surface.

The fact is I am happy with most of the things in my life. I love my parents, my few friends. I love my boyfriend. School is good. Just feel like...I throw so much out there, and it's invisible.

I am always complaining about the same thing -_-'

Whatever.

You always talk, but actions speak louder than words; your actions say nothing.

Question Existing

Stress sucks. Anxiety sucks even worse. Life moves on, right?

I hate that when I have a good couple days, I get hit with a crappy ass day. Like the day where EVERYTHING seems to go wrong. This is why I wait for these days, and prepare myself for them! Nothing always stays good, that's something that I have definitely learned. But, oh well, right?

I am thinking about transferring to a University. I like it here, but it doesn't offer what I need. I just really don't want to have to pay the huge sums of money. It's so expensive to get a good education, and it pisses me off! I don't mind working hard to get good grades to transfer, but I do mind having to pay 2 and a half times more than what I am paying now.

WHY IS EVERYTHING SO EXPENSIVE?! -__-

I really want this. It's not for the reasons that people will think. But for once I really want to do this, but I have a feeling, I am not going to be allowed to do it. Come to thinking about it, I don't even know if i will be able to do it at all.

There are so many people back home striving for me. Literally, riding on my every move. It's hard to do things with so many people going for me. Some more than other, and pushing me in negative ways. It just makes me think about things. Where I want to be. Who I want to be. What I want to do. Who I want to be with. Everyone wants a say. I know that I am going to do what I want to do, but at the same times, all of these people are in the back of my mind. I keep thinking "who am I going to let down next?"

All or Nothing At All

I feel like this week is going to be another really long week. I hate that. Emanuel came up to buffalo this weekend; he came thursday night, and went back to 'cuse this morning. It was a pretty decent weekend with him. A lot of ups and downs, but good none the less.

Today, was completely and totally uneventful. Besides waking up at 5:30 in the morning to take Emanuel to the train, I just came back and slept, went to class, slept again, ate, then slept one more time. I am still tired! It ridiculous. I am going to hit the gym in an hour, that should wake me up a little bit.

Sometimes I realize that I get really distant with certain things in my life. It because I don't want to sit here and think about the things that have been done, or the things that I have done. I realized this weekend, that when I do think about these things, I shut myself off. I lay there, alone, because I feel like I am alone.

I feel like I have mad a lot of progress with this weekend, but at the same times, I feel like I shouldn't be in this deep. All of these feelings and thoughts are popping into my head today, and it's like warning sign maybe? Maybe it's just me being the paranoid freak that I am. Maybe I should take a step back and allow things to soak in. I don't want to do things if they aren't shown to me... I don't know if that makes much sense, but it makes sense to me. It's like, I want to take steps after you've taken leaps...I sound so freaking selfish right now, and that really does kill me, but what can I do?

I want to give it my all, but what if my all isn't good enough, again?

Stars Hold Our Destiny

I hate wednesdays. I hate Monday-Wednesdays! Lol, those are the days that annoy me the most, just for the plain fact that it's the start of the week. Thankfully, today I didn't have any classes. I slept in till 11:30 :) It was amazing. I just spent the day cleaning and doing laundry. I think that I have the cleanest dorm on the whole campus. Yay to my new compulsive habits.

I have one week and 6 days till I return to my beloved city! I love it up here, but there is really NOTHING like NYC.

I hate the fact that thoughts happen to always get the best of me. It bothers me that I can sit here, and let my mind marinate in the past. I hate that I allow these "demons" to ravish and tear apart the good things that I have. There is really no way of me getting away from these things in my life. Its just simply something that I have to live with. Just have to take one day at a time.

I am not going to talk anything about change today, it's getting redundant. I just have this huge loss of faith in me. I want to believe in some people, but the fact is that the amount of "let downs" that have been thrown my way is ridiculous! It's not the loss on faith in one person either. I have loss faith in a a few people and its sad to admit. I know that my faith MAY be regained in some people, but with others, I am really not so sure. The fact remains that the amount of times where I have had things thrown in my face, and with the amount of "let down", it really is hard to have faith in those whom you once held up, so high. This is not saying that I want those people to go back to who they use to be; I know for a fact that change is a necessary part of life. Yet, I can't help but to imagine if they will ever be able to bounce back.

I wonder what would happen if things were to have happened differently. Maybe if the tables were turned or if certain thing simply played out in a different way. I know that things always happen for a reason, yet I do believe that we have FULL control over what could happen. That's a paradox in itself. I know that one cannot believe in the ability to have free will, and the ability to leave things up to fate. Yet I believe that we can have both. Certain things we are able to chose. We can chose to do something, and know the possible outcomes, yet fate can step in and deal us a sweet card or a sour one. Some things are just simply and inevitably meant to be. There is no real controlling that aspect of our lives, BUT! there are something that we are able to control. Self control. Whether you want to eat that cake or not. It may be good now, but it could leave you with a really bad after taste. We all have the ability to make conscious decisions in our day to day lives. We all know why we make these decisions and we all must suffer in the end. Fate will give us our ultimate ending.

Lately I have been feeling down(no duh) on myself. I don't think that I will be able to make it out in the real world of Journalism. I honestly just don't think that I am good enough for it. I think that I am going to be picked out and eaten alive :( It's really sad how low I think of myself. I need an ego boost. I need an intervention. I need to freaking have faith in myself! I guess that with all of the people in my life letting me down, it has made me think that I'm not good enough. That on top of my already extremely low self esteem. It just hurts that it's always the people that mean the most to you. That's life though. Ain't nothing more, ain't nothing less.

" It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves. "
-- William Shakespeare

Vent

I don't feel angry, I just feel blah. I need to vent.

No matter how hard i study, I still can't get over a freaking 80 in this one class of mine. I get all of the material. I understand everything that there is to get. I study for 3 days. I go, take the test, leave feeling confident, then BAM I get a 77, and all this fucking hard work goes down the drain. I am so fed up with trying hard and busting ass in EVERY aspect of my life and getting NOTHING in return. It's so tiring and freaking repetitive! I can't take it much more.

Okay, so I know for a fact that I am not going to "quit" school, but I am so tired of it. I am so stressed out now, and at the end of this week, another exam. And next week? Another exam. It seems as though no matter how hard I try, I am not going to get anywhere.

Why is it like that for every part of my life ?! Just I try and try and try, then when I get things thrown in my face, I keep trying! Where the hell did all of this diligence in me come from?! Why can't I just learn from these things.

I hate to be "Debbie Downer" lately, but it just seems like this sort of life style for me is never ending. Yes, sure, I get these moments of happiness, as does everyone else, but for me, it seems like within seconds its torn down to shreds and I am back where I began. It's just these constants ups and downs are giving me whiplash and I am tired :(

I really do just want to sleep for a REALLY long time and just get away from it all, just get away from everything.

So I am done with my rant of how I am really upset about things. It's not that I hate my life, I really don't. I do think that I am blessed in ways many people aren't,yet it just seems to be so mundane. The constant let downs and things that I experience is getting repetitive. I have many things to be thankful for in my life. The good family and few good friends that I have, it's all wonderful. But there are a lot of things right now, that I wish were changed.

All three of my classes finished early today. I am sitting in my dorm room alone in the peace and quiet. It's nice. I like to get this time and just reflect upon things that are going on in my life.

Note to self: Always remember the big picture. Thing are bad sometimes. Things get really difficult and sometimes it seems as if the rain won't ever go away. I mean there are days upon days that pass by and the feeling of pressure and sadden overcome everything around you, but things do get better. There is always that "light" at the end of the tunnel. There is always the silver lining. Sometimes, we can't see it. Sometimes if we do see it, it seems so far away. At the end of the day we have to try to think about the good things that have happened.

Thats so much easier said than done.

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts,
there can be no more hurt, only more love."
~Mother Teresa

Lions, Tigers, and Bears

"The best part of me I gave you and it was sacrificed..."

Lost? Maybe. I know what it is that I want, but my unwillingness to let go of things that have happened in the past is not allowing me to be free. I can't be free from my own thoughts, which is the worst feeling in the world. I am happy, when I look at the larger picture, yet I can't help but feel broken and damaged inside. I can't help but feel lonely and cold. I could be in the largest group of people, and still feel like I am the only one there. These smiling faces pass me by all the time, and I can't smile back. I just have this one residing thought in my mind, and it kills me. I know that there isn't much that I can do about it. I have to keep my head up and hope for the best in things.

School has been repetitive lately. Exam after exam, it's really non stop. That's college life though, nothing can be done to chnage that. I really can't wait for next term though. I hope that things will be a lot easier, in every aspect of my life.

My obsession with change hasn't really gone away. I just sit here, and I think about things and how they use to be. I always remind myself that things have to change at one point or another. Things cannot, and will not stay the same forever; that goes for good things and bad things. The rain never stays, the sun does shine, eventually. It's up to you (and your loved one..?) to gather up strength to get through the storm. It take strength and courage to believe things are going to be alright. One day, you'll wake up and see the sun, shining brightly upon the ground that was once wet, and cold. You'll be able to feel the warm rays touch your face and warm your heart. Thats the silver lining that everyone talks about.

I wonder when my silver lining will come.. ? Will it ever come? I feel as if I have been destined to live my life in the cold, dark realms of let downs, and sadness; both things reside in my mind, in the thoughts that I have created.

I can't help but to blame myself for these happenings. I can't help but to think that its all my fault, but why? Some things will never be known.

I know that I will be happy again. There are days now where I am simply elated. Those are the days where the memories of pain don't surface.

"I'm not scared of lions, tigers, and bears, but I'm scared of loving you.."

Fighting

I wish that I can change how i feel about certain things, and I really wish that I didn't think the way that I do. It sucks, so badly. I know that this is something that I have to live with, but at the same time, I wish it was different.

These past 2 weeks have been the hardest and more stressful 2 weeks I've experienced. My heart yearns for something that isn't fully mine, and I wish that I could change that.

I really have this obsession with change, and it's getting so ridiculous. I am getting angry with myself. I've been angry with myself for so long. Imperfects are really driving me crazy, and I wish that I could be that picture perfect image. I wish that when I looked in the mirror, things were flawless, that way, maybe some things wouldn't have happened. But there is no going back in time. There is no changing things that happened in the past.

I just feel like... everything that I have done, or tried to do has just gone to waste. Everything that I have tried to prove, all the love that I have shown, was just a waste. I try to make everything so easy and perfect. I try to do everything in my power to smooth the road, and hard work never comes to an end. i still have to fight for everything. I have to fight till the very end.

I am just so blank.

I hate arguing. I hate fighting. It's so painful. The thoughts that I have are so painful. I can't sleep anymore. I dream about it. When I am awake, I think about it. It's never ending. This is why I have to fight and try 30x harder than before, just so I can keep up with everything.. everyone else.

I wish I could pour out everything, but I can't.

Randomness

"I cry at night 'cause my baby's too far to be by my side
To wipe away these tears of mine so I hold my pillow tight
To imagine you I'll stretch your hand looking for mine
'Cause I'm lost in this dream, I need you to hold me"

I am sitting in class right this moment. I am tired and hungry, and bored!

So many things have been happening with in the past couple of days, I don't know how I am going to be able to keep up with it all.

Everything was a blur, simple blur. Words that were exchanged weren't absorbed.

I honestly just want some change here.

I don't get how things can be so difficult! I understand that life isn't easy. That's a phrase that I use everyday, but I don't know why it hurts so much.

I don't really understand why certain things are done. Concious minds will tell you right from wrong. It will determine the reprocussions to your actions. Why don't we listen?

There is so much on my mind, and I don't even know where to begin.

I don't know why I don't sleep anymore. I always wake up, abruptly, around 5, or 6. I don't know what it is.

Recover

Ugh, so I have spent the whole day in my dorm, recovering from more than a great night out.

Friday night, I stayed in; there was not much for me to do. I got the H1N1 vaccine with Ash on Thursday, crazy shot! I felt under the weather Friday, so I guess it wasn't that bad that I didn't go out. I stayed up till about 5 though, for no apparent reason. I just sat back and chilled with Nalley. It was fun none the less.

Saturday was a crazy packed day! I went to the Stroll Show out in UB. A bunch of Fraternities and Sororities Strolled. It was a really eye opening experience for me. .
After the Stroll Show, which was totally amazing, we headed back to Buff State and got ready for the Martini Bar/Cecilia's. It was the official after party for the Stroll Show. It was crazy! A lot of dancing. Literally non-stop dancing. From hip-hop to meringue. It was a really great time. I ended up losing my earring though which upsets me a lot. Now I have no earrings :(

Right now, I don't know how I feel. I woke up not in a bad mood, but it wasn't a good mood either. There are so many things that I feel right now. I don't feel like I am ever going to be good enough for you. I sit through so many things and I just keep thinking these same things. I put all these scenarios together. It hurts. Everyday. But it's something that I have to deal with everyday. I don't want to give up, but how much strength do i have left?

Count Down

UGHHHHHH ! Lol.

Okay, so there is no real PROBLEM here, just the fact that I am really not outgoing. I mean, out of the friends that I know, I am, but when I'm not in a "comfort zone" I am the quietest person in the world. That bothers me... A LOT. I seriously need to change that. Hopefully with time, I will learn how to work around it.

Lately I have been less than happy. Things are getting harder and my ability to cope with things are simply diminishing. Today I am okay, for the most part. Classes are getting to be annoying to me. I hate studying for a week, and then getting an 83. That irks the crap out of me. Welcome to College.

I've had so many test, and I have one more coming up. It's an endless cycle! AHH

I am really excited for the 13th now :)
Another countdown shall commence :)

Controlling Wishful Thinking

I get these thought in my head that maybe things will go my way, that just maybe things are going to be alright. Then my wishful thinking and my hope are shot down; my hopes are shattered like glass in an explosion. This sudden jolt of negative energy comes and slaps me, right across my smitten face. While this all happens, the only thought that runs through my mind is: Where the hell did I go wrong. It s a constant thing, for me, to wonder where I let it all slip away. How I allowed everything to spin, furiously out of control. Then I remember that I will never be in control. I can't control the things that happen around me. I can't control the outcome of certain situations. I am okay with that, and everything that relates to that. The one thing the I hate the most is the fact that I can't control how I feel. I can't control my emotions and how out of control they can become. I just have to sit here and deal with them. Control is not an option. Control was never an option. My only option is to allow my feelings to flourish within my heart. I have to allow these feelings to burn and rampage through my insides. That's the only way to feel alive. Thats the only way to know that you are living.

I wake up every morning with the same thought in my mind. I go to sleep every night (when I can) with the same though on my mind. These are the thoughts that take over my every day. Again, the loss of control.

Am I really an inner control freak? Am I really that sprung out on wanting to control everything that happens, that I obsess over it?
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Have you ever lost faith in something that you once believed in with all your heart? Like I know that not everything can go as planned, but DAMN IT!

I want to believe and I want to have faith in everything and anything that is possible, but wishful thinking has gotten me no where but here.

I keep thinking about it and everything. It hurts less now. I think that I am getting numb to it. I think that I am becoming immune to it now.

I don't know if thats a good thing though. I dont know if that's something that I want.

I feel like I lost faith, but I am hanging on by a small strand, which may be broken. I know that it will be broken, but I also know that I will still be there. I will be hopeless, but I will still be there. That's the power of human emotion. Taking hits and let downs is part of life. It's a huge part of mine.

ever thine, ever mine, ever ours

Have you ever wished that you were a different person? I do sometimes. I just wonder what it would be like. Maybe if I was a better version of me and who I am right now. I wish that I could change things. I wish I could mean more, but I guess that can't happen.

I am blogging off my phone out of pure lazziness. My back hurts like you wouldn't believe and I just slammed the window shut on my hand. This is all on top of my headache and migraine. And the yankees lost tonight I am having an incredible night if you couldn't tell. Its to top of my mediocre day, I suppose.

Today my mom told me that in life the things that you try your hardest for and fight for the most, are the things that are worth while. Those are the things that are the most meaningful. We fight for it because that's what we care about. There wouldn't be a point in putting up a fight and caring so much if we didn't love this thing ir person. I fight for the things that I love. I will fight to the ends of the earth and beyond if it means that I could get the one I care about the most. I wouldn't want to risk losing it. I wouldn't want to have to wait and see how its like without it. Call it instinct but I know when something is good. Fighting for it is inevitable. Holding on to it for dear life when things get difficult is the hard part.

I miss home every now and then. I miss the city and the bright lights. I miss the calming atmosphere. Its nice up here, don't get me wrong, but my heart is with the city. I need to go back to the docks and take in the big buildings and bright neon lights. I am looking forward to thanksgiving break and the people I am going to see. $

There are so many things going through my mind right now. There are so many thoughts. One stands out more than others but that's a given.

Tomorrow is friday. Planning in smoking hookah with Omar and other, should be fun.

"...never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.
ever thine
ever mine
ever ours"

Wish

Okay the last week past by fairly quickly, fast than I had anticipated, but it's all good.

E$ came this weekend. It was another amazing weekend, even though I feel like it went to fast.
I probably won't see him till Thanksgiving.

I really can't wait till Turkey Day comes though, I actually really want to go home (not bad enough that I will leave today, but enough. Lol) I really want to see Phil and Sofia and what not, that's what I am really looking forward to the most.

So last night, I had an in depth conversation with one of my good friends up here about city life. He is convinced that raising a family in new york city may only be detrimental and negative. I know that the city is really dangerous and what not, and I know that bad things can happen, but in the city, you learn things that you can't learn other places. I mean, simple things like getting lost on the train or bus can teach you and show you a whole new world a things. I go out with some of my friends up here that aren't from the city and they are a lot less street smart than I am. It's in really simple things where I found this out. I mean, in the city you get to see the good and that bad in the world, and it's really important that it's shown, and learned. I am more appreciative of what I have back home in the city now that I see things up here. My heart will always be in the city; my city.

It's been a pretty rough night so far, and a rough day in general for me. The normal things happened. Class, dorm, ect. but a conversation with my brother got me really aggravated. I'm not going to get into it to much, I just don't feel like talking about it here. Just makes me think about me and my path and what not.

I have an app. with my academic advisor on friday. I can finally declare my major, so I am hyped.

I wonder if people will get tired of me. I was thinking about this today, for some reason. I think that it has to do with the dreams that I have been having, but I just wonder. After a while, will someone just get sick of me? Not want to see me? Speak to me? I know that I am not perfect. I just wonder. I am sure that it happens, and if not, it will happen. That's life I guess.

I feel like venting what I am thinking right now. I know that I am not the prettiest, I don't have the best hair, or the straightest teeth. I am corky and gawky. I can be a misfit a lot of the time. I am loud and can be obnoxious. I try to hard for the people that I care about, and I get attached to them. I don't dress the nicest and I don't have the nicest body. There are so many flaws to me. Blemishes both physical and personal. I wish every single night at 11:11 just because. I spend my night thinking about things that are way beyond my control. I get terrible anxiety. I wish that I was the best of the best. I wish I could be able to compete, but I don't think that I can.

Analyze This

Contrary to my post yesterday, I am feeling quiet down today. Besides the fact that it has been a very long and boring day, I feel kind of use less? I wish I could do more to help people feel better, but what I do is my best, and you can't beat that, right?

Today was a very boring day. I woke up (on time!) for my class today. It went pretty swiftly. It ended up being half notes, half movie. I spent most of my time the internet though, I'm not going to lie. The class itself is really easy minus the fact that it's an 8 am course. Economic also went without a hitch. That class is straight note taking and what not; just listening to the professor speak about things that don't pertain to my life.

I really just want to declare my major already to be honest >=| I feel like I am wasting so much time not taking classes that I need. Eh, oh well, only a couple more weeks of these BS classes and I am on my way to Journalism! Owww!

I have recently rekindled my love of the water. I started to swim, leisurely, recently and I love it. I wish that I never stopped. I wish that I hadn't stopped many things that have done in the past. I wish that I never stopped the piano most of all though. Grr, damn me and my stubborn behavior. Oh well, I could always go back to it?

I have many doubts as to my future right now, out of no where I started to think about it. Growl, I guess I will have to wait and see what's in store. I got to keep my head in the game and focused. I just hope that I can keep my confidence up as well.


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Edit

So my mood has been from high as can be, to a low slump of nothing. Right now, I'm throwing the towel in on any faith I had. Forget it.

Easy how one thing can change your whole perspective.

Sappy Moment

What an amazing weekend :)
It all began on Friday. I woke up, a little later than I anticipated, but got on with my day none the less. I went to Syracuse to go see E$ :)

We basically stayed in the whole weekend and spent much needed time together. It was amazing, and I loved every second of it. He showed me around Cuse a little bit, and we went to dinner and the movies, like we use to do. I swear, it was perfect :)

I wondered if it would all would be the same between he and I. I really was worried if it was going to feel the same. As soon as we kissed, it was better than before. Ah, I feel like a 10 year old girl with a crush. ]:

So, now I am back at BSC !!! :) I'm not going to lie, I missed it a little. It's different over here. I love it. Now I am simply sitting on my bed and blogging, really tired for some strange reason. I feel like I have a lot to do this week. I have to go grocery shopping, write a paper, so laundry, ect. It's going to be a tough week.

E$ is coming here this Friday, and even though I just spent the weekend with him, I really can't wait till he comes.

After this weekend, I really don't have much to look forward to, now that I think about it. I am waiting for Thanksgiving to come, and that's more than a month away, so there is no use in getting too excited.

I just want to touch on something really quickly. The feeling of complete euphoric bliss. I have experienced happiness before, yet I don't think that past this weekend, I had experienced euphoric bliss. The fact that I got something that I was waiting for, for a while. The weeks anticipating this past weekend was completely nerve wracking. I am so happy that it was above and beyond what I had hoped for. [:

I am done with my sappy rant now.

Extraordinarily Flawed

It's almost 2AM, and I can't sleep thanks to amazing Perry Hall and it's 1AM piercing fire alarms. I have been on Facebook, I even took that "social interview" crap, 2 times! lol, yet nothing. So I made some tea that puts me to sleep and I decided to blog :)

These past two days have been alright. Nothing out of the ordinary for me. Classes are dull, and life here is moving a little bit slower. It's probably due to the fact that I wanted today to come a lot faster, and now that it's actually here, I can't sleep. Joy.

I've been writing a lot more fiction lately, due to my Creative Writing class. I mean, I've never really been into that whole writing thing, but it's fun. You get to control the characters and make them do what you want them to. Full control of the outcome! It's a perfect hobby for control freaks, you guys should look into it! :)

I've been really excited to begin my classes for my major. I have to begin to research things so I can make my dream come true! This is going to be one of the most challenging things I will have to do, ever! I like a challenge, so I am up for it! :) WooHoo TeenVouge here I come ! :)

Even though I am feeling the tea right about now, I am still in a really good mood. I don't know, probably because I am writing; doing what I love the most. Maybe it's because I will see E$ in 14 hours (?) ! Well, for whatever the reason is, I am happy that I am in a good mood.

Have you ever been pitted against something that is so perfect for you? This one thing is the epitome and the essence of YOU, and you can have it at any given moment, when ever you please. It pure, and it's perfect, it's you. But, even with all of the perfection, and the mirror image of what you are, you don't want it? You don't want the "perfect" and the pure essence of it. See, now that explains me. We all yearn for this perfection and what not, whether it be out bodies, or relationships. We- as a species- are extremely vain and superficial. Now, see, when I think about ME and what I really want, I notice that perfection isn't really one of those things. When things in your life are flawed, you are exposed to the true beauty of it. Yes, don't get my wrong, I do like things going swiftly and my way, but I realize that when these things occur, it gets boring and I begin to lose appreciation. I like seeing the "bad" in things, it keeps me level headed and reminds me of those better times. I don't want perfect, in any way shape or form. I like things that are flawed (again, not taken to the extreme!) I guess I think this way due to the fact that I am flawed, to the max. I mean, I think that I could literally sit here and explain everything that is wrong with me and my complex ways of thinking. Then again, that's for another blog entry!

This is probably going to be a one time saying for me, so take in it people!: I like to give myself the impression that I am "extraordinary" (not in the conceited, I'm the greatest kind of way). I like to give myself a LITTLE credit for where I am in my life. I mean, honestly, I got to where I am. I went through my High School years. I studied. I took that bogus SAT, 3 times! I sit in my classes. I do what I do! So, yes! I may consider my self a little "extraordinary". Once I achieve the goals that I have set for myself, and my college career is complete, I will be fully extraordinary.

Okay, tea is kicking in full throttle.

Grand

Okay, so this week has started off really well :)

Friday night, I slept over Hannah's house with the girls. It was a lot of fun, like we always have. Saturday was dance! Ah, that was so much fun! Even though I have a lot of trouble keeping up, it was great :)
Saturday night we attempted to go out. It was an epic fail! Lol, but again, we still had fun.
Sunday I went to see Fame with Sara and Ashley :) I love that movie, it was so good After we simply walked around the mall, made some purchases. Good fun.

Yesterday started off my week. After a somewhat easy day of classes, I went for a swim for the first time in a really long time. It was amazing. I love the feeling of water surrounding my body. It was so calming and I was able to get a lot of thinking done. It was also Phil's birthday :) Woot Wooot :) He is an old fart now, I still love him. The rest of the day went swiftly. I went to the dance studio as well. Got my groove on ;]

Today has been going great! I finally know what I want to do with the rest of my life ! Journalism and Communications major with a minor in Marketing! It was sprung from a conversation last night with E$<3. I have been so stressed on what I want to do with my life, as you guy read in earlier post. Now I finally did the research and realized that Journalism is what I want. not to mention I like to believe that I am good at it. Writing has always been the thing that I am "best" at. I won't lie, I am really scared about it though. I really do hope that everything works out in the end :)

I want to point out that I am very, very proud of David Alexander Reyes for going back to school, even though he HATES it. 3rd time is a charm!

I also want to take this chance just to say thanks to those who have helped me through everything. Huggins, E$, David, Sofia, ect. I love all of your guys.

Going to see E$ in 3 days! I love youuu, babe ! <3

Well I shall update a little more later. Off to the union! :)

Inner Strength

Inner strength is something that we all have, whether we like to think so or not. Some have it more than others, yes I will admit that, but at the same time we ALL have it. I see so many people curl up, and give up so easily and it aggravates me in the worst way. I don't like to compare people's situations, we all handle things differently, but at the same time what you do during your low points really can define your character. I know some people that will just cry and break down; I know some people that chose not to say anything and let it go; I know some people that chose to take everything upon themselves. Don't give up because life gets hard.

This all sparked from someone I know, who is going through a lot of issues. I love this person to death! I would definitely do anything for this person, but at the same time, it doesn't make sense to me. "He" just wants to give up because life is hard. No one said that anything in this world would be easy, so get use to it! I am sorry to be mean and blunt but I am so tired of people sitting there and just crying about it.

This is to that person: People always leave no matter what anyone will tell you, but this doesn't mean that you will never see them ever again. Any type of relationship takes work. It doesn't matter if it's 2 friends whom are far apart or two people that are in love. It's not easy, and if you really care about the person, and if you want the person in your life, you are willing to go through some struggle!

Life is hard, and it only gets harder.

Another thing that bothers me is when people don't take time to do things for themselves. If things in your life are slipping, things such as school, friends, love life or what ever, maybe you need to step back, and figure it all out. Take some time to focus on YOU, then deal with the rest. If you say that your life is falling apart, then you should do something about it.

Drained

I am so drained right now, I don't even know why. I accidentally slept through my first class O_O, but I can just get the notes from someone in my class. I woke up at 9:25 for my next, 9:30 test. I ran out of my dorm, forgot my keys and everything! The test was pretty good, took me about 25 minutes. It was really simple.

Have you ever felt as if you need to impress someone? Not just impress with the way you dress, but with everything else in between. I feel like I have to be everything and more, as if I have to try and be better than the best. Gr, I hate having to compete with other, some others that I don't even know. It sucks so badly.

So lately I have really been thinking about what I want to do with the rest of my life. I am seriously thinking about going into writing. I have always loved it, I might as well make it my profession, right? The one thing that I need to do is get my confidence up. I really need to work on my writing as well, I'm slacking. I am going to join The Ink Club on campus. This should get my to stop being so shy when I come to my writing and such. I hope that it works and that it will help me. I really do spend half of my days writing. I feel like it's to repetitive though.

A small part of me still doesn't believe that I am here for school. I keep thinking that I am going back really soon and such. Then I remember that I am here till November 24th! It's not a terrible thing, but I would like to see some people.

I just realized that I am not "living up" my college life. I mean, I really don't like to go out and party all the time. To me it's not necessary, and most of the parties that I have gone to are people standing and getting wasted. To me, that stuff is just mundane and repetitive. I guess that I am the odd one out? I have no idea. To me, the idea of needing to go out and do certain things. Maybe this is why I feel like I should be doing a lot more, and being better? Competition sucks ass.

Truth Be Told

UGH! I lost/got my iPod stolen today at the freaking gym today. I am highly upset about it, but thankfully Ash loves me and gave me her spare iPod :) Today is also her Birthday! So shouts to my giggle twin/saucy sister.

Today was very uneventful for me. I didn't really do much. Woke up and took a test, went to another class and reorganized my room. I had anxiety practically the whole day. I remember walking to my class, and thinking that today was going to be a bad day. It really was just subpar. Gr, I wish that it would have went a lot better, but whatever.

Right now, I am in my dorm, semi watching friends, semi talking to people that are here, and semi writing this. I have a lot on my mind, yet I don't know what to talk about.

Last night I was really thinking about life, and how everything is going. I am really content with it, I mean, I never thought that I would ever be happy this way (for the most part) away from home. I really do miss several people, but I love it here. The people that I've met are so far really amazing.

I was just inspired! Okay, so I really don't like when guy/girls use another person just for sex. Honestly, unless BOTH people fully understand the whole situation, don't do it. I really hate that! There should be way more to a relationship than just sex. It's sad to me, I really don't agree with it. I just don't see the point. For me, there seriously should be love involved with sex, that whole raw "fucking" thing doesn't work out for me.

This is to a certain someone. I will never tell him this out of respect for someone else, but I need to let it out. I really think that you are a pathetic waste of flesh. I really wish that you never walked into her life. You like to put people down to make yourself feel better, are you that insecure? The fact that you think that you are the best thing in this world is quite depressing. You're the most ignorant, arrogant, low life I have ever met in my life. I can't wait for the day that you open up those eyes of yours, and realize that you are NOT amazing, at all. You're a pathetic waste of space and a disgrace to the human race.

I am done :) I am happier now.

The Truth

So, yesterday, I woke up to my first class being canceled. There were power outages all over campus. I don't know if it was because of the constant construction, or the storm that was passing through here. Either way, it was great. :)

My day went pretty quickly after that. Solar system was good, as usual. I got to speak to my Professor, inquiring about a possible major in Astronomy, but he says that some sort of physics is required, which frightens me. I really do want to pursue writing, or english, being that it is really important to me, but the confidence that I have in my writing is low so that is going to to be hard for me to pursue.

I went to Hannah's dance classes yesterday with her, Sara, and Ashley. She does Pointe, Jazz, and Tap. It was really cool to sit and watch. It reminded me just how difficult pointe really is. I quit ballet when I was young, sometimes I wish I didn't stop, but then again, I'm not going to lie, I like sports a little better. None the less, the 4 of us are going to start lessons this Saturday: Jazz, Tap and Hip Hop. It should be really fun. :)

Right now, I am in my Nature and Needs class, watching a movie about learning disabilities. They should really update these movies. It's from the 80's or so. I am apparently being let out, then I have to wait for my 9:25 economics class. Later on today I think that I am going to head out to Elmwood and look at some sneaker store over there.

I get to see E$ in a week and a half! So I am pretty excited about it! :)

I don't know much to write about today. I was thinking about the whole fate/destiny thing. Things really do happen for a reason. Certain things will be in the end, and our decisions have no bearing upon it, to an extent.

I love another* with all of my heart, and that's all that matters to me now.

I like these songs :) Ta ta For Now :)

Quiet Morning

It's early Sunday, and it's dead silent in the dorms of Perry. You can hear nothing but the wind blowing, the crows talking to each other, and now my finger's quick movements across the keyboard. It's a good feeling, to finally hear silence throughout the halls of Club Perry.

My parents are leaving back to the city today. It's a difficult thing to express the way I feel about it. This weekend was very much eye opening as to how people act when you have been gone for a while. I am not going to lie, I did miss both of them extremely, but this is something that I have to do, and they understand that. We are still going to fight, and disagree on a lot of things, especially my mother and I, but I know it's all love in the same.

Last night was rough. It's actually been 2 pretty rough nights for me in a row. To love someone and care for them in ways beyond his/her comprehension is something difficult to do, especially when he/she doesn't listen to you. "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink" is very true. I'm not going to leave him, just because things get a littler rough, no that's not what I am here for. I'm going to be here, waiting it out through thick and thin no matter how hard it's going to get, and I know that it's going to get really hard. Last night was just one of many nights that I am willing to go through for him. I know that I am going to get mad at him, and I know that there are going to be points where I just want nothing to do with him (like last night, up most disappointed) but I know that letting go over little things is pointless. I, of all people know, not to give up on others, especially ones that you love and care for this much! People may call me stupid, crazy, young and blinded by love, but I don't care. I don't care if the world know that I am in love with him. But, I shall be discrete and respect his wishes. (Although people who know me, and know me well, already know who this person is).

The thing about me is that I know what I want, and I know that I am sure of it. I'm in this for the long run, good times and bad times, no matter what. I don't know if it will be what I pray for in the end, but it sure as hell worth the try.

I will probably be updating later seeing how it's just 9am. I am off to breakfast with my parents.

Ouch

I feel like today was just an off day. There is so much that's just bouncing around in my mind. Blah, I don't know where to start.

For the past 3 days I have had really bad anxiety, for no apparent reason. I just have this lingering feeling in my chest, that simply won't go away. I don't know what to do to get rid of it at this point. Whatever I guess.

Yesterday I spoke to a really good friend of mine, whom I haven't spoken to in a while. It was really good to just sit here, and talk to him. I really do miss him, and the way that we use to be. No matter what, he's my homey :)

My parents decided to come up for Homecoming weekend. They brought me food, it was so good to have some REAL food. Today we went shopping a little and out to eat. Hannah came with us. It was a lot of fun. There was also 2 comedians that came and did a show, it was so funny. Now, I am just sitting here and watching some movies with Hannah.

I am kind of aggravated at a lot right now. I don't know. Blah. Whatever I guess.
___________________

I feel like I am so far away from where I am suppose to be. I feel like certain things that I have done are stupid and pointless. I feel like I am falling, so far from earth, that I am floating through the clouds. I want to be higher than that. I want to be able to become numb. I want to have my vision blurred and my memories erased. I want everything to go away. I want my thoughts to stop bouncing around. I want my mind to stop wandering and worrying. I want to be able to stop, breathe, and enjoy things without the constant rant that my mind produces.

There is no way I could ever get full control of my mind; not when I have this to deal with.

Thoughtful Thinking

I feel like I am in a rut. I was so sure and head on about what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, now I have no clue! I guess that it has to do with the fact that I don't think that I am good at anything. I don't think that I would be a good teacher, for some reason. I just see a lot of the teachers that I've had and how amazing they are! Take CHuggins for example. She is an amazing teacher/person. She really made an impact on my life, and on the lives of many, many other students/peers. I know this for a fact, because I know all of these people. But would I ever be able to live up to that? Would I ever be able to impact the lives of my students in ways she has? I don't think that I can.

WIth that, people always ask me "What is it that you like to do?" I love to write. Heck, I am sitting here, writing in this blog, after writing a 4 page essay! I love my creative expression. I also like to help people. Yes, so those two things are 2 thing that I love to do. But I really don't think that my writing could ever amount to something that could be published. I am way to self conscious and indecisive to even try and publish something. I also doubt that I would be very helpful with people.

I love astronomy, to death. I love looking at the stars and learning more about things beyond this planet; after all, there is a lot more to the universe than this little planet called earth. But I can't really see myself in some research lab or anything. I really am at a lost as to what I want to do for the rest of my life. There are so many things that I would love to do, but there are also many things that I am really not great at. I guess only time will tell in that aspect.

On a semi lighter note, I hurt my foot really bad recently. I think I know how I did it, but at the same time, I don't. It's gotten to the point where it really hurts when I walk. I am so tired of going to Weigel ! I agave been there about 3 times in the last 3 weeks! I need to stop with the physical and internal ailments!

I really am excited to see E$ in 2 weeks. I have something to really look forward to. After that, I have to wait until Thanksgiving break so I can see my family and friends. I am contemplating on heading over to RFK that Wednesday. I really should. I was looking through some old photos and I do miss the whole aspect of High School. I miss some of the people from there as well. I really think that I am going to go.

Today I have been thinking about jumping into the future. I just want to see how things are going to be for me. I want to know what cards are in my deck. It really sucks that I can't do that. I just get so overwhelmed with everything sometimes. I really don't know how to handle it. I find that if, and when, I write, it helps a lot. I also found that I tend to clean, a lot, when I am stressed.

This foot problem, along with the other million things on my mind is really bringing me down. I don't like it at all. Oh well, I guess that it's just another thing that I have to deal with in my life,

Some Labels are Best Left in the Closet.

It's dawned on me, today more than ever, people's obsession with labels with relationships.

People, including myself, are so focused on being in a relationship. They want a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife; that definite title. A lot of people think that those labels are what make the love between the two people. That's not the case. You don't have to make anything official to be madly in love with someone. You don't need a ring on your finger, or a piece of paper to make it that you are going to be with that one person for the rest of your life. Don't get me wrong. I am a sap for that whole white wedding, bouquet, walking down the isle to the man that I love thing, but at the same time, what does all of the really mean? What does some stupid status change on Facebook really mean? It's there to satisfy the need to publicize things. It's there to shut up those who ask "well, if you love each other, why don't you be together?". To be totally honest as well, whether you are in a relationship, or married, or simply share a love with someone, nothing guarantees that your other won't leave you. Nothing in this world, nothing you say or do can stop that person from leaving you alone. The only aspect that keeps him/her from leaving, is his/her own thoughts and actions. We don't control other people. Other people don't control us. Free will is the main idea.

People can be in a relationship, or marriage, for years and year, but randomly one day, leave. They will leave without notice, nothing said. They will leave when things are good, or if things are bad. Nothing stops people from leaving. So this makes being in a relationship totally counter productive, in a sense.

I really don't knock relationships. I think that they are great. Hell, I love being in a relationship with someone that I love. But at the same time, labels are labels. The title of "boyfriend/girlfriend" are just names. Those things don't make the love between 2 people more, or less. Just because 2 people aren't "together" doesn't mean that they both don't love each other. It's a hard thing to come into terms with. Hell, it's taken me this long to realize that labels don't equal love. But now I really do see that labels are just words. Labels are words to help fill voids that aren't even really there.

I guess that this whole idea sprung from the movie Sex and the City. Carrie and Big's relationship wasn't the cliche kind. It was filled with hardship, distance, confusion, other people, and pain. It's pretty much the epitome of a REAL LIFE relationship. It entailed things that normal couples could go through, with out any bull, fluffy stuff. Yes, in the end they did end up together, but it, in a sense, told the truth to the ordeals that many couples have to face in the real world! It's none of the fairy tale stuff that only happens to 5% of the population.

I think that it has to do with people's obsession with perfection. How everything has to be perfect and set in stone. People, including myself, are so scared of others leaving. Lets face it, no one really wants to be alone in the world. At the end of those long days at work, we would like to come home to someone that cares for us (whether that be a boyfriend/girlfriend/wife/husband or someone that your not "with"). Everyone wants to feel wanted. The perfect fairy tale ending where he/she is mine and I'm his/hers doesn't always exist and in this day and age isn't even right for everyone.

Another thing that has dawned on me is that I really do believe in fate and free will, at the same time. That is also extremely counterproductive, but it believe in both. I think that people have the right to leave if and when they want to, but I also believe that if something is meant to be, in the end, it will be. I confuse myself all of the time. I guess that it's my wishful thinking. I think that it's me, stuggling to make the best of things; it's me trying my hardest to focus on the light in the situation, and not the dark.

I can't help these things. I am human. I have human tendencies. I feel hurt, I cry, I yearn for certain people. Yes, I want the perfect ending. No, I don't want to have to work really hard for something because it means that I have to be hurt. But I know that in the end, it will be worth it. I love someone with all of my heart, and it's something that he knows. For right now, things may not be perfect, hell nothing is ever perfect in this world, but the fact is that my love for him is there, and it's strong. My love for him is the only thing that truly matters. The love that I have for him, will always exist.

"And we were dressed from head to toe in love.." That's the only label that will ever matter.

Straight Edge

I haven't been that honest recently with my blogs. I just really haven't felt that need to fully express certain things to the public. It's gotten to the point where I really don't care who knows what. In the end, it's my life and my decisions. I learn from people around me, and people that I look up to, on how to take certain things. People are always telling me what I should do and shouldn't do. I know that a lot of people are just looking out for me, but for once, I am whole heartedly set on what I want. I know that I am young. I know that I have my whole life ahead of me, yet I know for certain about one thing. That's all the I want to say for now.

I've Got Some Issues that Nobody can See

Some people in the world are meant to be in your life. I feel like I have been blessed with a few great, amazing people. People in which, I owe a lot to. I won't get into to much detail with that, but I just want to say Thank You. I can't express it enough.

I don't know what I am doing tonight, officially. There are a couple of parties that are going on, but right at this very moment, I don't want to go out. I feel like I am in one of "those" moods; the type of moods that can't be explained.

I hung up a lot of photos on my wall today. They don't look so bare anymore. All of the people that are on my wall, mean a lot to me. I have to print some more, but I sadly ran out of ink :( I don't want them to come out ugly and what not!

Boredom is slowly setting in -__-' I think that I am going to take a nap, maybe. Try to fall asleep to Kid Cudi.

Million Miles Away

So yesterday started out badly, I'm not going to lie. I've been sick these past 2 days, and then I took a nyquill. BAD idea! I slept through my alarm, and missed my first class. I am pretty mad about that, but what can I do at this point, right?

I went to my Economics class. It's a basic "copy the powerpoint off the screen" type of class. I like the professor though, he is really nice and cool. The class is actually pretty interesting, in itself. I am pretty suprised at that. So I basically like all of my classes, except the one that I missed yesterday.
I really have to get up on that class, now that I think about it.

Anyways, I woke up on time for all of my classes today, they all went swiftly without a hitch. I have to write 2 papers though, and I keep forgetting to do some stuff for ECN 100. ANGEL is a pain in the ass.

I don't know what to write about today. Nothing is really striking me as something to talk about. I have certain things on my mind, but that is to jumbled to talk about. I feel, not happy, but not sad. I just feel like I am here.

I really want to see my friends back home. I really miss Sofia, Phil, and Ergin. I REALLY want to go and see Chuggins though. I think that she is the only reason I would go back to RFK to visit. There are a number of other people that I miss though. There are a lot of people that I want to see, but some more than other obviously, lol.

The one person that I really want to see, and spend time with is E$. I am really dying to see him and just hug him. I really miss spending time with him. He is one of those people that I connect with on a different level. I think that the one thing that I am scared of is thing between he and I being different. I really don't want that. I don't want that with anyone! Now I feel really nostalgic. I miss him, more than anything. I wish I could see him, soon.

I've been so obsessed with the Kid Cudi Album and Jay-Z's Album. They are both totally and completely amazing! Both are very inspirational! They are both my grinding gym music! I feel like listening to them now, that I am kind of sad.

Anyways, I need to take a shower, being that I just came back from the gym.

Just Know I Love You

What a weekend. It was eventful and relaxing at the same time. Saturday, I stayed in and hung out with my girls. We watched some movies and just relaxed. The chinese food up here is TERRIBLE! I hate it -_-' So the pizza, and chinese food sucks. I am stuck with the crapy Union food too! AAHHH! I'll live.

Sunday was hectic! Hannah, Ash, and I went to the Peach Festival over in Lewiston, by Hannah's hometown. It was so much fun. I won a fish! :) It was freaking great. The rides were a lot of fun and I had the most amazing peaches of my life! They were so good, ahh! Yummy <3
After the peach festival, we went back to Hannah's house to eat dinner. We got there kind of early, so we ended up watching TV first. Dinner was amazing, her parents are great chefs. It was so good to have a home cooked meal for once! Lol. The day was amazing!

Once we got back to campus, we were watching the VMAs. Oh boy, what a show it was! Now, I like Kanye West as an artist. I love him music and what not, but that stunt he pulled last night on Taylor Swift was the rudest thing I have ever witnessed. It was completely and totally uncalled for. He stole her spot light and made himself look like an jerk-off. He was rude and arrogant. It's funny because I really don't think that the 'Single Ladies' video was all that great. The dance to it is amazing, yet the video isn't that amazing. It's good to have a country artist win for a change as well. We don't see that a lot, especially on MTV. None the less, Beyonce' won Video of the year, so Kanye should have stayed shut. He is stupid. I was in awe that Beyonce let Taylor get her change to shine. Both Taylor and Beyonce are great artists. It was nice to see them both on stage, even though it was under unfavorable circumstances.
Jay-Z's performance was great! He and Alicia Keys are great together! (I can't wait to get his album on tuesday! :) I am so excited about that, and Kid Cudi's.) Who the HELL told Lil' Mama that she could go up on stage and hold that stance. Lil' Mama, you are NOT a thug. You are not even a respectable artist! you shouldn't share a stage with Alicia Keys and Jay-Z.
Lady Gaga is a whole different story. I really don't like her music much, and that performance was terrible! Apparently it seems like she wanted to act like Jesus? She was wearing a shroud after, and looked like a complete and total idiot. She is trying way to hard to be like Madonna, it's ridiculous. He wardrobe changes were to crazy. I respect her, but not her taste that much.

Sunday, I saw how close, and loving Hannah's family is. They literally look like the perfect family, with no problems at all. It's funny, when I think about the difference between her family, and her house, with that of my own. How broken my family seems, how complicated things are. Even though we are all broken, we still love each other a lot. That's all that matters, even if it's not shown, right? Sometimes loving people doesn't mean they have to show it all the time? I guess that's how life works. I just don't get certain things sometimes. It's a hard concept to grasp.

I have so many emotion in me right now. I feel like I always have to fight to prove something. I feel like I always have to shut my mouth and eat my feelings to make other people feel more comfortable. I am tired of doing that, yet I always find myself doing it. I have to fluff up other people's pillows while I lay my head on a hard, cold rock. I fall asleep with pains and cold, while they wake up fulfilled and pain free. Why do I always put myself in these situation? I have way to much love in my system. Maybe that's how life has to be for me? I would rather people feel happy over me, anyway. I'll live. I will get over it. I don't want to hold anyone back from what makes them happy. I don't want to hold anyone back from anything. Live Your Life...that's all that I am able to say. Life moves on, and the pain will disperse in due time. I just want to see smiles and make people happy.

Times are hard, they will only get harder. I just know my love will always be there. And I know that I will always be there, no matter what happens.

I am off to the union.

That Party Last Night...

Ugh! I swear to never drink alcohol ever again! Mad shots, and beer, and other beverages. I swear, this is the reason why I hate drinking. I can't seem to remember why I drank in the first place. Oh Well. I learned my lesson.

Besides the after math, the party last night was really good. I met a lot of new people that are pretty cool. I got into this huge discussion about Jay-Z v. Lil wayne and Kid Cudi v. Drake. That made the night really interesting. It started out with me and one dude, then about 10 other guys came into the argument. It was crazy! My voice is sort of horse from that too. I danced some, and drank some more. I got the title "goddess of the keg" by my boy Derick. Lmao, shit is crazy.

Classes are dragging on. I literally sit in my Solar Systems class, which I love, and seem to know everything that he is saying, so far. I don't really like my Nature and Needs class, at all. Economics is okay, not terrible, but I could really do with out it. The rest of them are good. I just want to be able to keep up with everything that is put on my plate and what not.

I hate when I am attached to someone. I go about my days fine, nothing can phase me; my friends are awesome and I have fun. Yet when it comes down to going to bed at night, and resting my head on my pillow, I can't sleep. There are a million and three thoughts that run through my mind on how come things happen to me. Why things have to be so difficult on my end of the rope. The only solution that I could think of is that it's blatantly me. I seem to be the underling issue to all of my problems. We always tend to yern and desire the ones that we can't have. We always tend to want to hold the ones that we can't hold. We always tend to fall for the people we shouldn't fall for. It's a constant thing, and it seems to always happen. In the end we just have to live with it. We have to sit down and live with the fact that what we want can't happen. We have to realize that we can never truly have everything that we desire. It's not in the cards for some people. I think I am one of those people. 2 hours in distance never felt so far in my life.

There are mad head outside of the Perry Quad right now. I think they're playing football. I am contemplating going out there. This hangover got me bed ridden.

Grind

Ah! This weekend wasn't that amazing, to be totally honest. Friday's party was oober wack. Saturday, we didn't do much at all. Yesterday I didn't do anything either. Yet, it was still a lot of fun. The friends that I have here are amazing! My roommate, Hannah, and I are slowly becoming really close friends. Sara, Ashley, Tajh, PattyMac, and a bunch of other people are really cool too! :) The transition was a lot easier than I expected it to be.

My classes aren't that difficult just yet, I really just want to stay up on my grind! :) I also have been going to the gym! Shedding some pounds! It's great!

I went to see Gamer last night. I swear, I am in love with Gerard Butler <3 He is my future husband!

Anyways, I love the fact that I am always done by noon with my classes. I have the rest of the day to do whatever I want.

I just recently got my nose pierced on Sunday, now that I think about it. What they say is true though, piercing are addicting! I am going to get 2 more done, and that's it. I don't know what it is that makes them so addicting though. I am going to get my ear done, and then my Bellybutton. Thats all. After that, I am going to get 2 tattoos. But that is way later on in the future, lol.

I feel like today is an oober lazy day. I don't want to do anything right now but sleep. I just ate too! Ah! I have to go to the gym though, I haven't gone in 4 days -_-. I am deathly afraid of the freshman 15! So I have been trying to watch what I eat and get on my gym rat! To bad my knee is bad and I can't do as much as I wish.

Anyways, TaTaForNow

First Period

Ayy ! So it's been a couple days, sorry about that.

Things over here have been going really great :) The college life is awesome, and the people I've met so far have been great.

I began classes this past monday, all of them seem to have been good. I dropped my British Lit. class, I couldn't deal with the boring aspect of the class. I wanted to die. So, I replaced it with a Creative Writing Class instead, that of which I am very happy about. It is really amazing! I love creative writing! :) Economics 101 is a pretty interesting class for me. I absolutely love my Solar Systems class also, it's pretty great. My college writing professor could be a little bit more enthusiastic, yet it is okay at the same time. The one class that I am still iffy on is my Nature and Needs class. It's a class on the needs of people with special needs. I saw this video on it, and how badly people were treated. That was so crazy and bad :(

Today was a really good day for me. My classes went swiftly, as they always do Mon, Wed, & Fri. My friend also took me to the falls today. It was so beautiful, I loved it. After, we went to eat at the Hard Rock Cafe, I never went there, I love it now! Lol.

There are parties galore! I really don't know which one to go to, lol. ZBT, Mardi Gras, ect. It's crazy! I am really happy that tomorrow is saturday though! Three day weekend!

I really love it up here. All of my anxiety and fears went away within the first couple days. I miss a lot of people back home though. I miss my mom, dad, and brother. I really miss my best friend and what not. If they were up here, I would love it!

This is an amazing experience though, living on your own and such. It's great and invigorating. It's taught me a lot within the first week! I tend to do a lot more with out someone nagging me about anything! I love it!

I already feel like a different person being here a week. I already feel as if I have changed. In a sense, I already have changed. I see things in a different light. I love it.

Dormin'

This has been, so far, a really hectic week. Orientation has been anything but relaxing at all.

Yesterday was official move in day and what not. It was pretty crazy. After that, there was a floor meeting in my dorm. We just covered some ground rules, and got into out groups and stuff. It was pretty fun.

Today was another hectic run around. It began at freaking 8 in the morning! We had to sit through something I called a "reverse graduation". Let's just say, I fell asleep during MANY parts of it. After that, we were split into out Majors and sent to get talked to again. I am Undeclared for the moment. I really want to figure out a passion. We were told that it's okay to be Undeclared and what not. At least I am going to get my core classes out of the way. There after, we had this "Amazing Race" mock thing. It was completely and totally pointless. Me and a couple of other people from my group simply went to dinner after that. There was a hypnotist on campus that preformed. It had to be one of the funniest things I've seen recently.

My parents also left today. I can't tell you how emotional I was. People always complain that parents are annoying, and how they want them to leave, or shut up, but you never know what you have till it's gone. I know that I have 107382896328 problems with my mom, but I really do love her a lot. My father has to be the most amazing father in the world. I love him to death. They've done so much for me, and now I don't have them around anymore. I need this though.

I really do miss a lot of people back in NYC right now though. I miss my brother a lot, annoying and mean as he is. I really miss Sofia :( I am so not use to not seeing her. Things will adjust though, so it should be good.

One person who I also really miss is E$. I spoke to him on the phone yesterday and I felt my tummy drop and stuff. I didn't know you could miss a person that much! He'll be up in Cuse by tomorrow though, should be good. Sucks that we barely spoke these past few days, and probably the days to come...

I feel really stressed about the whole class thing now though. This isn't RFK anymore, I have to pay for this stuff, and it isn't cheap at all. I worry about my classes being hard and what not. (I finally got my schedule, and I don't have a class later than 11 [: ) I need to have at least a 3.5 or better :( This is going to be really hard, and I really do hope that I can stay focused :(

Big Move

So today I officially moved into my dorm. It was such a crazy and hectic day for me. It's 10 pm right now and all I want to do is go to bed.

I still have a lot of different emotions that are running through me. I don't really know how to feel about the whole being away from my friends and family type thing. I am really not even over not being able to see some people. So I am sitting here, spending my days thinking about certain people, and it's hard because it's probably not the same for them. I guess things will get better? I really hope so.

Thanks to Xhale, and Ergin, here are some songs that I like now :)

Blank

Yesterday didn't turn out how I planned it at all. It was pretty bad :-\

We were to late to do one of the thing that I planned out, so E$ and I went to the movies to see "The Collector". That was so discussing, I thought that I was going to throw up in the movies. -_-' After that, I had to go home due to family stuff. He kindly took me all the way back to Queens.

Saying "goodbye" to him, was probably the hardest goodbye I've said yet. I cried so much, today I woke in physical pain.
He really is the most amazing guy that I know. This is going to really be rough for me, for a while :( I really have a lot to say about him, but I don't want to start to cry again.

Today I have to say goodbye to Sofia. That is going to be a terrible cry fest.

It feels like the summer flew by. I don't feel like there was a summer at all. I really don't know what to write about right now, I am really like... not here i guess.

:-\

Oops

Okay, so it has literally been a week since I updated, sorry for that.

This was my last week in NYC :( I am going to miss it so much here, it is crazy. I never thought that I would be this attached to something. I love my friends. Like, i didn't realize how close I am to Sofia and Ergin, until last night. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I hate Ergin, and want to kill him, and Sofia and I argue like crazy, but I literally spent the summer with them. Ergin, in his own really weird ways, has taught me a lot this summer. I wouldn't be anywhere with out Sofia. She's been in my life since the 5th grade. I really can't imagine what it's going to be like not being so close to her. She is really my sister. This is going to be so hard :(

Saturday night I went to this new Hookah place in Forest Hills called Xhale. That place is amazing, I love it. It was Phil, Sofie, Yan, Ergin, Cristina, and three of her friends. That was a highly interesting night, I must say.
Sunday, I spent at work. It was my last day, that was really sad too. I hated work, but so much went down in that Kiosk :-\
Monday I went downtown to 34th with E$, and then Juan came later on. It was a good time. After that, I went out with my usual people, Mikey, Sofia, Ergin, Arsen, and Albina to Xhale. It was fun. We were celebrating Ergin's 19th birthday! It was so much fun.
Tuesday I took my nephew to the Zoo with my mom and Phil. It was so great :) He is growing up so quickly :(
Wednesday I saw E$ again. It started out really rough, then it got a lot better. I got really sick though :( Felt like passing out :(
Thursday, I chilled at home. Helped my dad work on his 71' Harley. it was cool. I am going to miss him a lot :(
Yesterday night I went out to dinner with Ergin and Sofia, some Italian place that was MAD good ! After we meet up with Mikey and Arsen, went to Xhale again. They had a DJ spinning techno beats. Shit was great.
Today, I planned out a whole day with E$. I hope he likes it :-|

I'll update later again. I have to take care of things =_=